Support Local Journalism. Join Riverfront Times Press Club.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Dipshitius Maximus: Cast Your Vote for Ass Clown of the Year!

Posted By on Thu, Dec 30, 2010 at 10:15 AM

It was a bountiful year in St. Louis with lots of stupid criminals, dozens of dirty rotten scoundrels and plenty of pompous politicians who delivered us scores of candidates for our Ass Clown of the Week competition.

But now it's time to crown an official winner. You know, Ass Clown of the YEAR! So, without further ado, the nominees of 2010:

Matt Bartle
  • Matt Bartle
1. Matt Bartle: The conservative state senator from Kansas City won Ass Clown of the Week twice in the past 12 months. The first victory came in February when he proposed a law to regulate Missouri strip clubs and adult bookstores. His second win came in May when the bill passed to become state law. Bartle's legislation -- now in effect -- prohibits any nudity and alcohol use at Missouri strip clubs (if you can still even call them that) and regulates their operating hours.

John Hill
  • John Hill
2. John Hill: As a salesman at luxury car dealership St. Louis Motorsports, John Hill has a pretty sweet gig. It's his job, after all, to know everything there is about exotic Italian sports cars -- such as how to drive them at speeds topping 150 m.p.h. The problem for Hill was that he chose to do his high-speed test drives on Interstate 64 and then post videos of himself committing the traffic crimes on YouTube. Charges of reckless driving followed, as did his Ass Clown nomination and victory.

Tessa Vanvlerah
  • Tessa Vanvlerah
3. Tessa Vanvlerah: The suburban St. Louis mother won a landslide Ass Clown title in March when police accused her of prostituting out her 13-month-old daughter. According to police, Vanvlerah arranged for a man named Kenneth Kyle to travel to St. Louis from California with the expectation of violating the child.  

Ass Clown in question
  • Ass Clown in question
4. Chad Garrison: A certain blogger (this one) was voted Ass Clown back in July after he dared tonominate an anonymous women for the same Ass Clown title. "Jane Doe" had recently lost a civil suit in St. Louis against Girls Gone Wild in which she sought $5 million for briefly appearing topless in a film without her knowledge or consent. A jury (comprised of seven women and five men) found her claims groundless even though someone pulled her top down to reveal her nipples in the video. The jury said Doe had been dancing and playing for the camera while at a St. Louis nightclub where Girls Gone Wild was filming. "She knew what she was doing," said the jury foreman. Readers of the "celebrity, sex, fashion for women" website later caught wind that -- based on the jury's findings -- Daily RFT had nominated Doe for Ass Clown and, well, hell hath no fury...

5. Jane Doe: Why not? Since losing her case, Doe and her attorney have been granted a new trial with the a judge agreeing that she could be heard mouthing and saying "no" when asked to remove her top. Here is a picture of Doe revealing her cleavage to the camera right before another woman pulls down her top a few more inches to reveal her nipples. BTW, no complaint or lawsuit has been made against the woman who exposed Jane Doe, even though her identity is known to all parties.

6. Junkie's Bail Bondsmen: Last but certainly not least was the queer tale about these three Ass Clowns:

Shawn Boyer, Kevin Ritrovato and Sean Baker
  • Shawn Boyer, Kevin Ritrovato and Sean Baker
In June the employees of Junkie's Bail Bonds in Jefferson County were accused of torturing a man who they apprehended for violating parole. The men allegedly took the man to their office where they wiped pepper spray on the his genitals and demanded oral sex. They then gave the victim a warm, wet washcloth to wipe the pepper spray off, but -- according to police -- that only caused the man's pores to open resulting in a burning sensation "15 times" worse than before.

Cast your vote below!

Tags: ,

Support Local Journalism.
Join the Riverfront Times Press Club

Local journalism is information. Information is power. And we believe everyone deserves access to accurate independent coverage of their community and state. Our readers helped us continue this coverage in 2020, and we are so grateful for the support.

Help us keep this coverage going in 2021. Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing membership pledge, your support goes to local-based reporting from our small but mighty team.

Join the Riverfront Times Club for as little as $5 a month.

Read the Digital Print Issue

September 15th, 2021

View more issues


Never miss a beat

Sign Up Now

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.

Best Things to Do In St. Louis

© 2021 Riverfront Times

Website powered by Foundation