Monday, April 18, 2011

Ryan Franklin's Top Ten Excuses For the Matt Kemp Home Run

Posted By on Mon, Apr 18, 2011 at 11:37 AM

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Cardinals closer Ryan Franklin blew his fourth save opportunity in five attempts Sunday, giving up a two-run homer to the Dodger's Matt Kemp in L.A.'s 2-1 win over St. Louis.

Franklin now has an ERA of 11.57 for the young season. Here, then, are the ten imagined excuses he gave to team management and the media yesterday.

"I've always heard Dodger Stadium was a pitcher's park and is really hard to hit the ball out of. I was just curious if that was true or not." 

#9: "Winning streaks are boring. And fascist. I'm pretty sure that was in a movie one time." 

#8: "That's not what you meant by pitching to contact?" 

#7: "Probably had something to do with them power plants in Japan. Nuclear power ain't nothin' to be screwin' around with." 

#6: "Kemp told me before the game he promised a kid dying of butt cancer he would hit a home run for him. I just couldn't bear to let that poor kid suffer. What? Yes, butt cancer is too a medical term!" 

#5: "What? You said you wanted ground balls. That was a ground ball! The first bounce just happened to be 400 foot away." 

#4: "He hit a homer on the first pitch the last time I faced him. This time it took five pitches. That's way better. Like, five times better." 

#3: "Seriously? Doctors don't say butt cancer?" 

#2: "Well, according to Andy Van Slyke, I don't have anything to feel bad about. He said Colby totally should have caught that ball." 

#1: "Hey, if Carpenter wanted the win he should have finished his own damn game." 

Or, we could all just listen to the real excuse. I made the pitch I wanted, put it where I wanted to. He just hit it. Gotta tip your cap to the guy, blah blah blah. So in other words it wasn't a mistake. It just wasn't good enough. 

Feel better now? 

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