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Friday, September 2, 2011

Ten Biggest Douchebags of the Summer of 2011

Posted By on Fri, Sep 2, 2011 at 8:00 AM

What a long, hot summer it's been! Between pantless parties and dumbshits contracting deadly diseases whilst eating live crayfish, frankly, we're feeling tired and a little bit hungover. We're ready for fall!

In anticipation of Labor Day, and in hopes of putting the summer of 2011 in the rearview mirror, we compiled a list of the ten biggest douchebags who made headlines in St. Louis in the summer of 2011. Feel free to argue with our selections or suggest a few of your own; this is a big city, after all, and the place is crawling with potential nominees.

10. LaRon Williams

click to enlarge LaRon Williams: Choked his girlfriend and locked her in a dog kennel.
  • LaRon Williams: Choked his girlfriend and locked her in a dog kennel.

This prince of a man was found guilty in July of savagely attacking his girlfriend. Prosecutors allege that he beat her, choked her, tied her up, shut her up in a dog kennel and (she feared) nearly lit it on fire.

And, when the woman's dog came to her aid, Williams allegedly picked up the 75-pound pooch and whipped it across the room into an entertainment center.

Bonus: Williams had previously been convicted for trying to bribe a court clerk with a six-pack of Budweiser Select. He also threatened to release a sex tape featuring his girlfriend if she dared to press charges against him.

Here's hoping he rots in prison for a very long time.

9. Timothy Jones

Timothy Jones: Traded a get-out-of-jail-free card for sex.
  • Timothy Jones: Traded a get-out-of-jail-free card for sex.

Jones, a police officer in Country Club Hills, apparently had some difficulty luring women into the sack the conventional, non-slimy way. (You know: candy, booze, charm.) So he resorted to using his position to seal the deal. Jones was charged last month in St. Louis County with "acceding to corruption by a public servant" -- basically, offering to let a drunk driver off the hook if she had sex with him.

The worst part: Some poor drunk girl actually acquiesced. Can you say "beer goggles"?

8. Keith Conway

Keith Conway stole from one of the county's poorest towns.
  • Keith Conway stole from one of the county's poorest towns.

As mayor of suburban Kinloch, Keith Conway presided over one of the poorest small towns in St. Louis County for more than a decade. But rather than help the people who elected him, Conway has now admitted that, in 2009, he began helping himself to Kinloch's already meager resources.

In court last month, Conway admitted to stealing at least $34,905 from the historically black municipality. He used the money to finance Caribbean vacations, pay for DirecTV, even pay his back taxes on an IRS-sponsored website.

When busted, Conway failed to see the error of his ways. Just hours after he was released on bond and agreed in court not contact the witnesses against him, he raced over to City Hall and began browbeating members of the board of aldermen -- who were, yes, witnesses in the case -- to listen to his version of events. He also began photocopying city documents to aid in his defense. He's now pled guilty to all three counts against him, including one added after the initial indictment charging him with witness tampering. We can hardly wait for his sentencing in November. 7. Kevin T. Malone

Kevin T. Malone: winning
  • Kevin T. Malone: winning

Most adults know not to sink to the level of teenagers. But this upstanding citizen -- a member of the board of review for St. Clair County -- showed his true colors when confronted with a mouthy youth. Kevin T. Malone, 51, claims that a fourteen-year-old black kid asked him to step into the street and called him a "white man."

But rather than ignore the teen, Malone fired back with the n-word and punched the kid in the face. Even after the police showed up, Malone kept firing off racial slurs. He also threatened to have the cop fired for daring to stop his assault. Now he's been charged with a hate crime. 6. Ryan and Caroline Waldo Ferret lovers everywhere were up in arms when Daily RFT reported in January that Ryan and Carrie Waldo's pet ferret had eaten seven of their infant's fingers. What bloodthirsty beasts! What a cruel world!

Good news for the ferret crowd: In June, the cops provided more information, and it suggested that the problem wasn't so much a hungry rodent as a pair of neglectful parents. Turns out the Waldos were actually texting each other from different locations while their poor babe was being munched on by the family pet. Neither was home -- and so they've now been charged with endangering the welfare of a child.

As for the ferret, he was killed after his little snack. And so we're thinking the Waldos should be on the hook for cruelty to an animal, too: If you're gonna have a rodent for a pet, don't leave it alone for hours with a tempting treat and expect it not to munch away. That's just cruel.

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