Join Riverfront Times Press Club. Because No News is Bad News.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Screw Your Jumping Jacks, Pat Conway

Posted By on Wed, Jan 25, 2012 at 1:31 PM

click to enlarge Dozens of these litter my personal swanktuary.
  • Dozens of these litter my personal swanktuary.
Fired Up Missouri recently pointed out some of the more inane bills proposed by our state legislature, and HB 1063, proposed by Rep. Pat Conway (D-St. Joe) is particularly egregious.

And I quote, "HB 1063 designates the exercise known as 'jumping jacks' as the official state exercise."

Jumping jacks? JUMPING JACKS?!

Rep. Conway, I'm a four-time winner of the President's Council on Physical Fitness award in this very state. I know jumping jacks. I've done jumping jacks. You, jumping jacks, are no sort of exercise.

In fact, in winning my four consecutive President's Council on Physical Fitness Awards, I seem to recall that jumping jacks were not part of the test -- they were what we did to warm up for the actual exercise. A little research confirms that they aren't part of the official criteria for minimum fitness. Hanging from a bar, however, is.

In other words, the 'jacks aren't even good enough for the Federal government, and if there's a lazier group of people in the country than them I'd like to see 'em.

Missouri is a proud, midwestern state. I acknowledge that the reasoning behind your bill, which is that this ersatz exercise was invented by native son General John J. Pershing, honors a bit of that heritage. It's a weird and empty sort of honor, but whatever -- on this side of the state we named a highway after Mark McGwire. But we can do better than this.

Push-ups, man. Let's make it push-ups. That shit is manly.

Tags: ,

Riverfront Times works for you, and your support is essential.

Our small but mighty local team works tirelessly to bring you high-quality, uncensored news and cultural coverage of St. Louis and beyond.

Unlike many newspapers, ours is free – and we'd like to keep it that way, because we believe, now more than ever, everyone deserves access to accurate, independent coverage of their community.

Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing pledge, your support helps keep St. Louis' true free press free.

Read the Digital Print Issue

September 23, 2020

View more issues

Newsletters

Never miss a beat

Sign Up Now

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.

Best Things to Do In St. Louis

© 2020 Riverfront Times

Website powered by Foundation