Friday, September 21, 2012

A Brief History of the Universe According to Representative Todd Akin

Posted By on Fri, Sep 21, 2012 at 12:00 PM

Page 3 of 3

1954: The phrase "one nation under God" is added to the Pledge of Allegiance to "drive the liberals crazy." The addition renders the rest of the words irrelevant:

1988: God asks Todd Akin to run for Missouri House of Representatives. He faithfully complies.

21st Century (pre-Heatocalypse 2012): Winter, spring, summer or faaalll, just don't caallll it climate change: "I mean, we just went from winter to spring. In Missouri, when we go from winter to spring, that's a good climate change. I don't want to stop that climate change, you know. So, and who in the world would want to put politicians in charge of the weather anyway? What a dumb idea." (on the House floor during a hearing on climate change)

2008: For the first time ever in American history, freedom is under siege and our equal opportunities for success are undermined, with the election of Barack Hussein Obama, "a complete menace to our civilization.":

2009: God intervenes to kill Obamacare in the Senate. Eventually it passes, but hey, sometimes God needs to test the faithful: "I believe, as we stand on the abyss tonight, that those Americans who are wont to turn to God for answers that this is a time to be doing that. To ask for his help, supernaturally, so that we don't make this fatal step pushing our nation into socialized medicine."

2012: In an elaborate conspiracy, GOP party bosses and liberal media move to eliminate Akin from the Senate race he is sure to win: "The people of Missouri chose me to be their candidate. And I don't believe it's right for party bosses to decide to override those voters."

God tells Akin "you're my homeboy": "I believe in God, and I've asked him for forgiveness for what I've said. I've asked the people of Missouri for forgiveness, too. For anyone serving in a position of public trust, those are the only two authorities that should matter -- as a Christian, God is the ultimate authority. As a public servant, voters are who I answer to."

2100: A day Todd Akin has been awaiting for some time: "Some of the models [from a congressional presentation on climate change] said that we're going to have surf at the front steps of the Capitol pretty soon. I'm really looking forward to that." Kalabunga!

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