Friday, January 4, 2013

Six Employment Options for Todd Akin

Posted By on Fri, Jan 4, 2013 at 1:52 PM


Yesterday the 113th U.S. Congress convened, and Todd Akin was officially out of a job. Ann Wagner now occupies the seat he abandoned in his ill-fated bid for the Senate.

There have been rumors that Akin is planning to use his free time to write a book. The subject of said book is up in the air -- but how awesome would it be if he started writing historical romance novels in the manner of his fellow Republican Newt Gingrich?

Uh, well, maybe not. While the prospect of Akin's interpretation of what's known in the romance trade as the "love scene" is kind of fascinating, it's also really, really terrifying. Maybe Todd should stick to memoir.

Anyway, as Todd himself told the Post-Dispatch, "I think there's a natural mechanism to get over it [e.g. losing the election] called the mortgage payment. I've got to find what my next job is going to be."

Don't worry, Todd. Daily RFT has always been here for you, and we're not going to abandon you now! Here are a few suggestions.

1. Med school. After all, Akin, with his training in engineering and his years on the House's Science, Space and Technology Committee, is a man of a scientific bent. But, as his "legitimate rape" comment last summer proved, there have been considerable gaps in his scientific education. It's never too late to keep on learning! It's true further schooling doesn't immediately solve the mortgage problem, but since his kids are grown and he's no longer tied to a congressional district, now would be the perfect time to downsize. And when the first tuition bill arrives, perhaps Todd will start to see the value in student loans.

2. Hairstylist. Anyone who has ever encountered Akin, particularly outdoors, particularly on a breezy day, has marveled at his hair. How ever does he keep that comb-over in place? It's truly a miracle of modern hairdressing. Doubtless there are countless men who find themselves missing a little bit on top who are dying to know Todd's secret.

3. Political consultant. It may not seem like the most obvious of careers, considering how Akin's entire career came crashing down due to one ill-considered sound bite. But don't forget that Akin survived twelve years in Congress (including six elections), not to mention another dozen years in the Missouri legislature, while presumably holding those exact same views. And the vast majority of Americans, including his own constituents, never even knew! Neither did his fellow Republicans, who continued to give him campaign funding. That, friends, is what is known as flying under the radar. We're sure there are plenty of aspiring politicians out there who would pay good money to find out how he did it.

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