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Friday, January 4, 2013

Six Employment Options for Todd Akin

Posted By on Fri, Jan 4, 2013 at 1:52 PM


Yesterday the 113th U.S. Congress convened, and Todd Akin was officially out of a job. Ann Wagner now occupies the seat he abandoned in his ill-fated bid for the Senate.

There have been rumors that Akin is planning to use his free time to write a book. The subject of said book is up in the air -- but how awesome would it be if he started writing historical romance novels in the manner of his fellow Republican Newt Gingrich?

Uh, well, maybe not. While the prospect of Akin's interpretation of what's known in the romance trade as the "love scene" is kind of fascinating, it's also really, really terrifying. Maybe Todd should stick to memoir.

Anyway, as Todd himself told the Post-Dispatch, "I think there's a natural mechanism to get over it [e.g. losing the election] called the mortgage payment. I've got to find what my next job is going to be."

Don't worry, Todd. Daily RFT has always been here for you, and we're not going to abandon you now! Here are a few suggestions.

1. Med school. After all, Akin, with his training in engineering and his years on the House's Science, Space and Technology Committee, is a man of a scientific bent. But, as his "legitimate rape" comment last summer proved, there have been considerable gaps in his scientific education. It's never too late to keep on learning! It's true further schooling doesn't immediately solve the mortgage problem, but since his kids are grown and he's no longer tied to a congressional district, now would be the perfect time to downsize. And when the first tuition bill arrives, perhaps Todd will start to see the value in student loans.

2. Hairstylist. Anyone who has ever encountered Akin, particularly outdoors, particularly on a breezy day, has marveled at his hair. How ever does he keep that comb-over in place? It's truly a miracle of modern hairdressing. Doubtless there are countless men who find themselves missing a little bit on top who are dying to know Todd's secret.

3. Political consultant. It may not seem like the most obvious of careers, considering how Akin's entire career came crashing down due to one ill-considered sound bite. But don't forget that Akin survived twelve years in Congress (including six elections), not to mention another dozen years in the Missouri legislature, while presumably holding those exact same views. And the vast majority of Americans, including his own constituents, never even knew! Neither did his fellow Republicans, who continued to give him campaign funding. That, friends, is what is known as flying under the radar. We're sure there are plenty of aspiring politicians out there who would pay good money to find out how he did it.

Todd Akin knows his history!
  • Todd Akin knows his history!

4. Director of a pro-life group. Even when things appeared at their darkest for Todd, a few of his friends spoke out in his defense, namely Missouri Right for Life and Family Research Council. Even though Todd can no longer be of any political use to these groups, how can they possibly abandon him in his hour of need? And is there any more famous pro-lifer in all the land?

5. History teacher. Akin, as some of you may remember, has a fondness for American history and has spent many years refining his own personal interpretation of the principles this country stands for, most notably the history of Thanksgiving. As Akin himself told Congress in November 2011, "[The Pilgrims] came here with the idea that after trying socialism that it wasn't going to work. They realized that it was unbiblical, that it was a form of theft, so they pitched socialism out. They learned that in the early 1620's." That speech, incidentally, lasted 50 minutes, the exact length of a class period. What timing!

6. Communications Assistant, Office of Senator Claire McCaskill. This just in: Claire McCaskill is hiring! OK, it's a few days past the deadline, but we're sure HR will make an exception for Todd. After all, he has plenty of experience with campaigns and on Capitol Hill, and who could possibly have stronger ties to Missouri?

Pssst, Todd -- this could be a great entry into the world of corporate espionage!

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