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Wednesday, October 8, 2014

The Nine Distinct States That Make Up Missouri

Posted By on Wed, Oct 8, 2014 at 8:00 AM

  • Kevin Cannon

No matter the issue, Missouri has always been labeled as a state of two distinct camps: Yankee vs. Confederate, urban vs. rural, Blue state vs. Red, Calvin pissing on a Ford logo/Calvin pissing on a Chevy logo and — most divisive of all — "Missouri" vs. "Missourah."

In reality, though, the Show-Me State is much more nuanced than these polarizing issues suggest. Missouri is comprised of nine distinct states, each with their individual quirks and hangups that remain bonded together in uneasy harmony because, like mentally imbalanced siblings, they're kin. Dammit. (Also, no neighboring states would want them.)

So here it it is, a scientific breakdown of the true Missouris (or is it Missourahs?) based on geography, culture, politics, demographics and a healthy sprinkling of stereotyping.

  • Kevin Cannon

Danger Zone CAPITAL: St. Louis OTHER CITIES: Clayton, St. Charles, Ferguson MOTTO: "Hands up, don't shoot!" ATTRIBUTES: The Delmar Divide, half of a gigantic McDonald's sign FAMOUS INHABITANTS: Chuck Berry, Jon Hamm, Phyllis Diller EXPORTS: 'Merican Beer, syphillis, "Hot in Herre" Also known as the Gateway to the West, the inhabitants of this boil on the butt of Missouri got a few miles past the Mississippi River and said, "Screw it. This is west enough." But don't be fooled: While not particularly adventurous, the folks who live here are far from lazy. No, they're busy working to make this the "economic engine" of Missouri and ensuring it routinely lands atop the national listings for segregation, crime, sexually transmitted diseases and obesity. But, hey, who's gonna let that stuff bother them when there's so much Bud Light and baseball to consume?

  • Kevin Cannon

Meth-o-potamia CAPITAL: Crystal City OTHER CITIES: Bonne Terre, Potosi, Cape Girardeau MOTTO: "A thousand-dollar car, it ain't worth shit." ATTRIBUTES: Lead poisoning, cave raves, death row FAMOUS INHABITANTS: Rush Limbaugh, anybody who was executed EXPORTS: Rocks and minerals, bad teeth Just as the land between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers is thought of as the "cradle of civilization," this stretch of land between the Meramec and Mississippi rivers is a fertile valley of its own — especially for meth makers. Few other places in the world have as many meth-lab busts as Missouri's Meth-o-potomia. But that's not all this region has going for it. It's also home to lead mines, countless roadside firework stands (as well as the band the Bottle Rockets) and Missouri's death-row prison. Yes, for an unfortunate few, Meth-o-potamia may not be a favorite place to visit, but it is the last.

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