Thursday, March 22, 2018

A Very Scientific Breakdown of the 556 People St. Louis Gained in 2017

Posted By on Thu, Mar 22, 2018 at 1:11 PM

click to enlarge Just look at those shiny happy St. Louisans! - THEO WELLING
  • THEO WELLING
  • Just look at those shiny happy St. Louisans!

So the St. Louis region is no longer in the top-20 nationwide. Big whoop! Let those nattering nabobs of negativity at the Post-Disgrace go in-depth on the bad news. Here at the RFT, we like to focus on the positive.

And while we suspect some of you failed to dive deeply into the daily's analysis of the St. Louis region's standings in 2017 census estimates, we most certainly did not. We couldn't care less about Baltimore ekeing out slightly larger population growth in a one-year snapshot. We're looking at the good news, which is that the region gained 556 people between July 2016 and July 2017.

Now, you may note that said number is dwarfed by the 146,000 people gained by the Dallas-Fort Worth area, but to that we say "pshaw!" Each of these 556 people is a precious commodity, here to be coddled, wooed and persuaded to stay just long enough to count for next year's census estimates (oh, and maybe have quintuplets here too!). Our regional identity verily depends on it.

To that end, we took a closer look at who these people are who've given us that net population positive. After a four-month RFT investigation, we can exclusively reveal:
  • 100 tourists entered City Museum and never figured out how to leave
  • 66 people are standing line at City Hall, thwarted by the business license renewal paperwork
  • 57 people are passed out in Soulard, still trying to recover from the nation's second largest Mardi Gras celebration
  • 40 people are in an unnamed gym, toning and shaping their bodies in preparation for our epic World Naked Bike Ride
  • 39 more are waiting for the hyperloop to get them back to Kansas City
  • 36 are Hamilton fanatics who've been camped out in front of the Fox Theatre ever since the show was announced. (Hey, easier to get tickets here than Chicago!)
  • 31 people are hopelessly lost in the Cherokee Caves, growing ever paler, forgetting more and more about the above-ground world
  • 30 people bought homes just to be close to Shake Shack
  • 27 "people" are actually naked mannequins hanging out in various alleys and dumpsters.
  • 20 people are actually just dogs wearing overcoats; they moved here for the pet-friendly patios
  • 19 are trapped in a kettle somewhere downtown
  • 15 checked into Hotel California
  • 14 people share joint custody of an Instagram account, and they haven't finished their 365 images of Busch Stadium in 365 days
  • Roughly a dozen people are continuing the longest-ever game of hide and seek in Ikea, which started the day after Ikea opened
  • 10 are Confederate sleeper cell agents, plotting revenge for the removal of that monument in Forest Park (might not actually be a joke?)
  • 9 people are scoping property for yet another craft brewery
  • 8 people are stuck in an Arch tram, waiting for CityArchRiver to reopen the goddamn thing already
  • 7 unrelated adults joined the cult of Penguin & Puffin Cove and now live joyously as puffins
  • 6 people camped out on the riverfront about a half-mile north of downtown, hoping to see "a fucking swan or some other goddamn fancy bird"
  • 5 are now members of Frank Slay's prog-rock band, SLAYGRAVANCHO, and they're in marathon rehearsals in a south city garage
  • 4 women signed up for Eric Greitens' personal training sessions and are still tied up in the basement
and finally ....
  • 1 Judy Garland superfan is still waiting to see a real Meet Me in St. Louis-style trolley (he died sometime before Xmas; police are still looking for the body).
Like we said, we're focused on the positive! Because who wouldn't want to move to greater St. Louis?

Editor's note: The mischief-makers who work at this rag clearly don't don't love Hamilton enough. The show is playing at the Fox, not Powell Hall. We regret any implication to the contrary.
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