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Tuesday, March 31, 2020

Missouri to Close State Parks Because People Are Dumbasses

Posted By on Tue, Mar 31, 2020 at 3:46 PM

click to enlarge Bye-Bye, Elephant Rocks State Park - NIKONIAN NOVICE / FLICKR

Everyone knew this would happen. Everyone knew that one day, somehow, the morons of the world would endanger us all. And in Missouri, all of those morons decided that “social distancing” meant playing frisbee in the park and crowding nature trails. And now, Jefferson city has found a way to fix all of that.

Starting this Thursday at 5 p.m., four state parks will be fully shut down to the public and one state park will be partially shut down. The Missouri Department of Natural Resources issued a statement that said overcrowding in the parks had forced this development and that the temporary closures will last at least through the entire month of April.



The press release listed these parks as the ones to be impacted by the decision:

“The operation modifications, effective at 5 p.m. on Thursday, April 2, include the following:

Castlewood State Park will close.
Elephant Rocks State Park will close.
Watkins Woolen Mill State Historic Site and Park will close.
Weston Bend State Park will close.
St. Joe State Park will close the off-road vehicle riding area.
Gates to individual parking lots may close at all state parks when the lot reaches capacity.”

But it’s possible that this won’t be the end of it. Missouri DNR’s statement also points out that as conditions change they will “make additional closures as needed.”

They encourage potential visitors of any state park to check MOStateParks.com ahead of any parks visit to make sure that the park is still open to the public. They also encourage all visitors to carry “hand sanitizer, soap, wipes and drinking water as services may be limited.”

Now, tell all of your dumbass friends that this doesn’t mean that they need to hustle to a state park before the closures on Thursday. And also do us all a favor and tell them to stay home. Please? Thanks.

Email the author at jaime.lees@riverfronttimes.com
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