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Thursday, July 2, 2020

Do Not Shoot This Horny Roaming Bear, He's Just Trying to Get Laid

Posted By on Thu, Jul 2, 2020 at 3:39 PM

This black bear has just entered Missouri and, man, he is horny AF. His name is Bruno and he’s originally from Wisconsin, but this dude isn’t out looking for cheese.

Scientists track ya boy Bruno because he’s such a fine specimen and also because now this sexy single is off on an off-road trip to find his own honey pot.



That’s right, Bruno is so horny that he’s walked through Wisconsin, Iowa, Illinois and now Missouri — all to get a date. Yesterday he even popped his collar, sprayed himself with Old Spice and swam across the Mississippi River north of St. Louis near Elsberry, Missouri, in pursuit of a little sugar.

Scientists think that he’s betting on some sweet lady bear action down at Party Cove, so like many other helpless morons just trying to get some this weekend, he’s headed to the Ozarks. (He probably met a girl from down there on Timber.) The Missouri Department of Conservation says that most black bears in Missouri live in the southern half of the state, so it's a safe bet that Bruno's instincts are telling him to head south.

The science and wildlife communities are obsessed with Bruno and his pursuit of a little lovin’. They even have entire Facebook groups dedicated to tracking him and ensuring his safety while he’s out roaming across states and buying sows drinks and asking them to dance.

Would you really begrudge a homie getting some snuggles in a pandemic? Naw, you find his pursuit bear-y relatable. What you must do, though, is tell your friends and neighbors to neither slut-shame nor shoot poor Bruno. Even if he’s dragging his horny ass across your property, he'll likely be on his way after just a few minutes.

In his entire trip, though, he’s never shown any interest in humans (you don’t have what he wants) and he mostly just keeps to himself and continues on his journey. It couldn’t hurt to bring your pets and pet food inside, though, when you know he’s in the area. A man has gotta eat, after all.

But aside from snapping a picture or two or giving him a knowing wink (from very far away), there's no reason to interact with Bruno at all, really, though he's quickly becoming a superstar. When he's been spotted anywhere lately it seems like everybody shows up to watch him waddle along on his path to Bone Town.

To keep track of Bruno, join one of the Facebook pages or just give him a Google. Bruno the Bear is quickly becoming nationally famous, so we’re sure to know when to hi-five a bro after his mission has been completed and he starts his long, long walk of shame back home.


Email the author at jaime.lees@riverfronttimes.com
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