10 Bad Things That Will Happen in 2017: A Modest Prediction

And here you thought you hated Trump...
And here you thought you hated Trump... Flickr/Gage Skidmore

2016 sucked wang, and not in a fun way. Will 2017 be better, like it was back when America was great, or worse, like when a "wealthy" circus peanut cosplaying as a human being was grabbing pussy left and right? Following a rigorous course of spiritual cleanses and violent refusals to shower, the man who won $10 betting on a Trump victory emerges from his haze of black metal and German Christmas cookie crumbs to offer predictions for the new year.

Spoiler Alert: That man is me.

1. Trump dies before March ... leaving Mike "Puritan" Pence in charge.

2. The Rams win the Super Bowl. Kroenke accepts the trophy while puking into a decapitated Fredbird's open mouth.

3. The surviving Rolling Stones team up to kill Ringo ... but he takes out all of them before succumbing to his wounds, leaving a devastated Paul McCartney to reflect on the end of the Stones vs. Beatles debate.

4. Adele goes modern country.

5. John Ashcroft sings a medley of bowdlerized Bowie songs at the inauguration.

6. Robert McCulloch doesn't run for the St. Louis mayor job, but he somehow wins the position nevertheless.

7. New food trends: '50s-style recipes (think meat jell-o molds and hot dog charcuterie as main courses); heirloom porridge; deconstructed TV dinners; bad sitcom-themed restaurants (Two and a Half Naan, Kevin Can Steak, Family Gyro, etc).

8. Neil DeGrasse Tyson suffers aneurysm pondering Rogue One space fight physics; Bill Nye dies in suspicious circumstances similar to Bob Crane's murder; Stephen Hawking transforms into one-man spacecraft and departs for a kinder galaxy.

9. A new type of weaponized ringtone is developed that can be heard through time and space.

10. ISIS endorses the Mike Pence for President 2020 campaign.

See also: 13 Reasons 2016 Didn't Suck After All

About The Author

Scroll to read more St. Louis Metro News articles (1)
Join the Riverfront Times Press Club

Local journalism is information. Information is power. And we believe everyone deserves access to accurate independent coverage of their community and state.
Help us keep this coverage going with a one-time donation or an ongoing membership pledge.


Join Riverfront Times Newsletters

Subscribe now to get the latest news delivered right to your inbox.