Cakewalking the Dog

Three Dog Bakery parties with pooches

SUN 7/11

There's an old adage that dogs and their people begin to look like each other over time. If that were true, the Night & Day dog would have the great legs and fashion sense of Ms. Day and the swollen belly of Mr. Night. Instead, Dr. Barkapotomus has the grossly hirsute legs of Mr. Night and the always-hungry tummy of Ms. Day, and as for his sense of fashion, well, you can draw your own conclusions about a dog who only wears Mayhem concert T-shirts. Still, we're a happy office family, and we'll gamely line up to have our caricature, uh, caricatured at the Three Dog Bakery's Ice Cream Social, and we'll all laugh and agree that it looks like us. Sort of.

But caricatures of dogs and people are only a fraction of the fun to be had at Three Dog Bakery (8861 Ladue Road; 314-726-1674). Just like at the carnival, you buy tickets and then exchange them for things like Lickety Splits (frozen treats for dogs), ice cream (for people; never give a dog ice cream unless you want to ford a river of frothy puke), drinks and the mystic powers of the Animal Psychic. Ah, at last, we shall find out what Dr. Barkapotomus thinks of our TV-watching habits: "What's that, Dr. B? More Johnny Quest, less Six Million Dollar Man? OK!" Then, a quick whirl around the Canine Cakewalk, and it's back to the office -- but not before we get our photo taken. The Ice Cream Social runs from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m., and all the proceeds benefit Randy Grim's Stray Rescue of St. Louis. -- Paul Friswold

They're Playing Our Schlong
Club Buca pimps it up

SAT 7/10

There's no way in hell we'll ever get into Club Buca. The pasty skin, the underdeveloped "physique," and the same T-shirt and jeans for the past sixteen years all mark us as "less than desirable." But you, you're a hottie. You belong at Club Buca, with all the other beautiful people. And you definitely belong at the Pimp 'n' Ho Ball, with all the other playas. Squeeze into your slutty pants and shimmy down to Club Buca (707 Clamorgan Street); Ron Jeremy, the hardest-jerkin' man in porn show business, is the special guest host for the evening. The Ron's presence is practically a guarantee of high-quality titillation. You need to call 314-231-2822 to reserve your tickets ahead of time, and your friendly operator can also fill you in on the start time and any rules and restrictions that may be in place for the evening. Say hi to Ron for us, but don't shake his hand. You don't wanna know where that thing has been. -- Paul Friswold

Head East
Never been any reason (until now)

TUES 7/13

Driving to Illinois can be a scary prospect for some silly native St. Louisans. The river serves as a much larger mental barrier than a physical one, and all those highways merging together only add to the confusion. As a result, we bet some of you have never even been to Belleville. Well, now's your chance for a bit of adventure! Cross that expanse of water into the mysterious 618 area code, and set your sights on Michael's on Main (6980 West Main Street, Belleville, Illinois; 618-397-5907). This restaurant is playing host to a $5 wine tasting at 5 p.m., but this isn't any old wine tasting: It's one that benefits a charity (the Hospice Foundation, to be exact). Those people do great work, so don't let your fear of the ill side prevent you from being charitable. Remember, it's good to face your irrational fears sometimes. -- Alison Sieloff

Platinum Links

FRI 7/9

What do Alice Cooper and Luther "Luke Skyywalker" Campbell have in common? A deep love for the game of golf (really). Campbell shows his love for both the links and charitable causes by appearing and playing at the St. Louis Spirit Cup open golf tournament at the Courses at Forest Park (call 314-533-0400 for tickets). Other celebrities, including Tony Shellman, FatCats and Keith Perrin, will attend and help raise money for Nelly's 4Sho4Kids Foundation. The tournament runs from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., and organizers hope to make it an annual event. Windows Off Washington (1501 Washington Avenue; 314-241-1555) hosts the post-game awards buffet, where a ring designed by Chris "The Iceman" Aire will be awarded to one lucky attendee. -- Paul Friswold

Our Fair Film

SAT 7/10

We're tits-deep in July, which means there're only five more months in which to celebrate the World's Fair centennial. Don't squander them. The Fox Theatre (527 North Grand Boulevard; 314-534-1111) does its part by screening The World's Greatest Fair, a high-definition digital film about, well, the 1904 World's Fair. Using hundreds of never-before-seen images that were transferred to digital stock for the express purpose of this film, The World's Greatest Fair also showcases well-known St. Louisans reading period accounts of the grandeur of old St. Loo. Will Mayor Slay be reading the part about the Ferris wheel? Will Stan Musial be the voice during the creation-of-the-hot-dog scene? Only one way to find out. Tickets are $7.50 and the show starts at 7 p.m. -- Paul Friswold