Rolling Stone Alone (In a Field Somewhere)

You're Bill Wyman, dammit. You held down the bottom end for the quote-unquote World's Greatest Rock and Roll Band for 31 years. What to do, what to do?

Write the ol' memoir? Check.

Speaking engagements? Sure!

Mentor the youth? Most definitely.

Self-employed metal detector? Why, obviously.

In a move that must have Gene Simmons positively chagrined that he missed this marketing opportunity, Wyman has come out with his own line of signature metal detectors. Why? Because, as Wyman himself states on his informative Web site (under the header "Bill Wyman -- History Detective"):

"When I'm detecting I really enjoy the peace and quiet of being out in the fields; the fresh air, hearing the birds sing and all the exercise."

O...K.... We'll bite. Are you hard up for money, Bill?

"I've found hundreds of coins going back to Roman Britain, as well as blades from 3,000 years ago. I've also found gold coins from the 1300s which are worth £1,000 each. But I'm not interested in their monetary value, it's the history that's important to me," Wyman asserts in his online love letter to the metal detector.

And we believe him. Not content with being one of the greatest, unobtrusive and yet effective bassists of all time, Wyman also adheres to a similar code when detecting. Seriously. He has even posted the National Council for Metal Detecting "Code of Conduct," which stresses being as polite and unassuming a treasure hunter as is humanly possible through nine points of conduct. Only the tenth point on the list strikes a dangerous tone: "Never miss an opportunity to explain your hobby to anyone who asks about it."

So you've been warned. If you see Wyman wandering about your back yard, don't ask him what he's doing, or you'll get a treatise on the wonders of metal detecting.

Of course, if you do look up from your barbecue grill this weekend and discover Wyman wandering through your back yard, he might be undertaking research for his other going concern: Bill Wyman's Sticky Fingers Café.

Check out the Half Rack Of Ribs on the "Starters" menu (cleverly linked through the "Beggars Banquet" header): "Tender St. Louis style baby back ribs smothered in our bbq sauce served with coleslaw. £7.45."

Evidently the History Detective didn't do the legwork for his menu; that should read: "Grocery store-pork butt soaked in Maull's and grilled within an inch of its life," if it's going to be St. Louis-style. But hey, if he finds that St. Joseph icon buried back in 1978, we'll call it even.

-Paul Friswold