Prom season is here! Magazines, websites and well-meaning-but-crazy family members have been preparing girls for this magical dance for years, ensuring that prom is second only to a wedding in terms of a young woman's self-worth. How exciting!
Such a grand occasion calls for just the right dress -- something classy yet memorable, unique but age appropriate. Unfortunately, the prom dress websites we've researched have terrible grammar and cater only to future escorts who have crackwhores for moms. Where are the pastel cupcake dresses from Footloose or the black taffeta number that both Brenda and Kelly wore on Beverly Hills 90210? But perhaps we're jaded and aren't seeing these gowns with clear eyes. Maybe we need a dose of reality from someone who's lived through two tantrum-prone girls clamoring to grow up too fast.
Enter our mother Marsha, a corn-fed Ohioan with good taste and solid Midwestern values. We showed Mom a few dresses and asked if we could wear them to prom. Boy, did she have opinions:
13. Sherri Hill Short Dress 2900
Site description: "This Sexy Dress showcases a sweetheart neckline and an incredibly fitted corset with exposed boning. Intricate Stones on Bodice sparkle unbelievably! This Sherri Hill Dress 2900 is fabulous for a New Years Dress, Party Dress, or Social Occasion Dress. Complete this look with Fierce Bracelets, a Cocktail Ring, and Sexy Heels. $850." [All dress descriptions are directly from the website and have not been edited.]
Our take: It's a bit tiny, but we think it's got a little more potential than the next few dresses. Besides, shiny black film strips and colorful rhinestones suit our personality.
Mom's take: Dear God. [Dramatic pause] Allison, it looks hoochie. Look how far it goes up!
Are we allowed to wear it to prom? No.
Site description: "Shopping for the perfect Little Black Dress? Look no further than this Jasz Couture Dress 4701. This Sexy Dress showcases an intricately beaded sweetheart neckline, fitted silhouette, and side midriff cutouts embellished with rhinestones. Accessorize this Dress with Rhinestone Earrings, a Statement Cuff, and Black Heels. This Black Dress is fantastic for a Homecoming Dress, Winter Formal Dress, or Social Occasion Dress. 2012 Jasz Couture Homecoming Dresses. $258."
Our take: "Sexy" means leaving a little to the imagination, right? That's exactly what this dress does, as the side straps show off our supple tanned flesh without being too revealing.
Mom's take: Maybe if it wasn't cut out on the sides. I don't think the back is that bad, though. They sure wear goofy stuff to prom now.
Are we allowed to wear it to prom? No.
11. Short Form-Fitting Black Dress
Site description: "Short sheer black dress. $49."
Our take: This basic tank dress has a great shape. It looks a little like a wetsuit, and classy leather circles are hiding the boobs. Plus it's rated four out of five crowns and is only $49 on promgirl.com. Cheap!
Mom's take: That looks like Spanx! Cripes, it's even too tight for her, look at her hips! There are no redeeming qualities on this one.
Are we allowed to wear it to prom? No.
Continue for more skankalicious dresses.
