Flying High: Happy Hour to Arrive at Lambert at 4 a.m.

"There'd best be some vodka in that orange juice, sweetheart."
"There'd best be some vodka in that orange juice, sweetheart."

The airline industry needs cash in a major way. Overall profits were down some $3 billion last year, and so airlines have started rolling out well-publicized, much-maligned fees for things like checked bags and carry-on luggage. (Enjoy using that armrest for free while you still can.)

Thankfully, Lambert-St. Louis International Airport is doing its part to give the airlines a shot in the arm by serving up shots themselves: Legislation was signed into law last week by Governor Jay Nixon which will allow travelers to start cocktailing at airport bars at 4 a.m. rather than the current far-too-late hour of 6 a.m. See, passengers drinking before flying means that passengers will also drink while flying -- ain't no way you're quashing a sweet buzz that you've been working on since 4 a.m., morning business meeting in Toledo be damned -- and that will increase on-board purchases and airlines' overall profits.

Ah, booze. Is there any problem you can't solve?

So here are five specialty drinks that Lambert's bars ought to serve in order to get its early-morning party started. (A word of caution: Order drinks ending in "bomb" at your own peril.)

  • Fragile Screaming Baby: A takeoff on the Fragile Baby coffee drink, but instead of Frangelico and Baileys, it's tequila and coffee -- and drinking it is about as enjoyable as sitting next to its namesake
  • The Lambert Slammer: Similar to an Alabama Slammer, but with dust from construction zones in place of Southern Comfort
  • Painkiller: This faithful interpretation of the traditional rum-based cocktail will also come with a free Xanax slipped under the coaster
  • Rum and Half Coke: Re-create the sensation of flying with this drink, which is like a regular ol' rum and Coke, but you only get half a can of soda -- just like on the plane!
  • Shanghai Surprise: Bartender drains rubber bar mat into a lowball glass -- you'll never get the same drink twice -- and a chopstick takes the place of a swizzle stick, in honor of Lambert (probably not) becoming a China hub