Another school year has passed, and now all that's left for departing students to cherish are the sweet memories of Friday-night football, prom and the loin-burning, unrequited, forbidden lust for their smoking-hot teachers.
I know, it sounds kind of creepy. But admit it: You once had a fantasy teacher, that certain Mr. or Mrs. (or Dr. or Coach) who made dragging your ass to the bus stop and eating bland lunchroom food all worth it.
How could you not? If you had even one teacher who was reasonably attractive, the boredom of class and the frustrations of young adulthood made that educator your own personal pinup. At the least, seeing him or her made the day brighter. And, if they were truly amazing, a porno the length of one class period ran through your head.
As long as these longings remained imaginary and not realized -- nothing that could have landed Mr., Mrs., Dr. or Coach in jail, let's say -- then these passing passions could be permitted. So, in honor of these secret indiscretions -- and not the kinds that become Nancy Grace stories -- here are the best songs for recalling these romances:
"I Have a Crush On My Teacher," Kate Micucci Micucci is half of the comedy music duo Garfunkel and Oates, but this one's from her 2010 solo effort E.P. Phone Home. The song sounds like the innocent beginnings of a sweet, harmless infatuation. Micucci's girlish voice accentuates innocent lines like, "You can come to my house anytime/I don't think that my mom would mind/She can make spaghetti."
Her instrument of choice is ukulele, which furthers the notion of Micucci as a baby-faced bobbysoxer crooning under a tree in her high school courtyard. But, don't be fooled by all this purported saccharine. Her full catalogue includes songs about one-night stands, handjobs and sex with ducks.
"Teach U a Lesson," Robin Thicke Thicke's latest, the up-in-the-club jam "Blurred Lines" may be in the running for song of the summer. He played teacher with a dirty mind on this track from 2006's The Evolution of Robin Thicke.
Using a soulfully seductive falsetto to draw prey into his den of iniquity, this cad is obviously no English teacher. The song qualifies as possibly one of the worst ever written, with lines like "You won't get the grade you want/Unless you stay after school/You can work it off/Baby, I can give you extra credit." Midsong there's an entire stanza about frisking the subject (victim?) for WMDs. WMDs? WTFs? Apparently, the guy has never heard of a mixed metaphor.
Maybe this song will score some jailbait from the bottom of the class rankings, but the valedictorian would laugh this teacher's ludicrous wordplay out of the classroom.