We Watched the American Country Countdown Awards So You Wouldn't Have To

Because the world needed another country music awards show, apparently.
Because the world needed another country music awards show, apparently.

Because you're a self-respecting human with some shred of dignity, you probably didn't spend two hours of your life last night sitting in front of the TV, drinking White Russians and watching the first-ever American Country Countdown Awards (2014's fourth televised awards show celebrating the country music industry, in case anyone's counting). But if you had, here are some thoughts that might've crossed your mind.

- What are we counting down to? Wait never mind, they thought of that: American Country Countdown is a Top 40 radio show. OK, got it.

- And here we go with the unnecessary hashtags. "#CarrieKickOff"? Sounds like an obscure early 1900s football maneuver, like the Flying Wedge, which got so many people killed that it had to be banned.

- How sweet death sounds as Carrie mutilates her notes, no trace of remorse on her face.

- Tyler Hubbard (the Georgia half of Florida Georgia Line) looks like a redneck Vincent Vega, minus everything that made Vega's character cool. God, I'll never be able to un-see this.

- I wonder how many performers will make Jesus references onstage?

- OK, if they have a bar on the set, I'm drinking too.

- I wonder what Jesus thinks of country music?

- Luke Bryan is up, I've heard of him. Singing about a roller coaster. His twang is so exaggerated it sounds fake. Do they have a machine that can do that now? Auto Twang? If not, I should get really good at computers and invent that; I'd make millions. Note to self: Investigate Auto Twang.

- But seriously, other than Bryan's voice, this sounds like a cheesy rock love song that would feature in a low-budget '80s family movie while our young male protagonist stares off into the distance, thinking about the girl he fell in love with over the summer but can't be with because this is a low-budget '80s family movie and he has to learn a lesson about growing up or something. Dammit, '80s.

- There are probably going to be so many ridiculous ads for pickup trucks during this show. I'm so excited.

- Would Jesus drive a Ford or a Chevy?

- And now Kix Brooks is singing about a girl who listens to Merle. I wonder if any members of the audience know who Merle Haggard is.

- Real talk, why the big to-do about this production? Yeah, it's all "based on metrics"--which is a fancy way of saying they're rewarding whoever sold the most albums/singles/whatever in 2014. Other awards shows at least have the goddamn decency to fake the pretense of judging musical quality (despite the way most charting country songs come off as carefully designed to target a specific consumer base), but this one is unabashedly rewarding salesmanship. Which is kind of sickening, but also maybe more honest?

- I could use another drink.

Continue to page two for more.