STL Scientologist Seeks Musicians to Create a "Band of Unprecedented Heights"

This could be you. - Flickr Creative Commons: Paul Sableman and Andrew Hurley + MS Paint
Flickr Creative Commons: Paul Sableman and Andrew Hurley + MS Paint
This could be you.

Are you a musician in the St. Louis area? Do you play bass, drums or the keyboard? Do you believe that you are, in fact, an immortal being whose true nature has been forgotten and obscured following an attempted murder by the former dictator of the Galactic Confederacy, Xenu?

If you answered yes to all of these questions, then we have just one more: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK??

See also: Craigslist: Band Members Needed for "Black-Metal Surf Western" Project

A being known to humans only as xSense took to Craigslist on Wednesday, seeking fellow musicians in order to "create a band of unprecedented heights" and "decimate the music establishment and emancipate the masses."

From the ad:

I am a practicing Scientologist and have recently moved to St. Louis from L.A. to continue my Work for the Church. Destiny is at work and I am gathering top musical talent to create the next BIG THING!

Lest you dare doubt xSense's Scientology credentials, be aware that he/she/it is hip to many of the major Incidents, and consciously remembers previous lives spent as an alien:

I've spent several years clearing engrams towards my goal of reaching OT I. I am consciously aware of many of the major Incidents including the Glade Implants, Helatrobus Implants, Gorilla Implants, and Obscene Dog Incident. I am also aware of previous lives, many of which are alien. Because of this I have memories and experiences with civilizations such as the Marcab Confederacy, Helatrobus, and the Galactic Confederacy.

Man, that Obscene Dog Incident sure was a bitch, wasn't it? Luckily for you and your future music establishment decimation endeavors, its memory will aid you in spreading your unprecedented sound throughout the planet Earth Teegeeack:

Through these memories and experiences I have learned much about alien music forms and wish to share this with Earth, or Teegeeack as it is known everywhere else in the galaxy. Many of these musical forms serve as inspiration for my own original music, and I also enjoy playing covers of alien musics. Current Galactic Law does not strictly address inter-planetary copyrights and therefore I am at ease playing and introducing galactic musics to Earth without fear of interdiction from the Confederacy.

Better consult a lawyer on that, actually, just to be safe. The ASCAP group here on Teegeeack can be notoriously harsh in its penalties for those who perform copyrighted music without the proper license -- I'd hate to see the kind of fines the Confederacy would impose, seeing as how its former dictator once dropped us all in volcanoes and dropped hydrogen bombed on us and all that.

I believe that my alien musical experiences may be similar to those of Jimmy Page from Led Zeppelin, as some of the music I've heard from the planets of Alkaid sound a bit like The Song Remains The Same and Dancing Days. Much of it is very different however and I think it is time to unveil these beauteous art forms to this planet!

Uh, hmmm. Led Zeppelin is alien music. That actually kind of makes sense. I have no snarky quip.

To those who have the spiritual courage and creative fortitude to join me, please get in touch and perhaps we can form a symbiotic relationship to create something unlike anything heard before on this planet!

Get after it, enlightened thetans! Just remember us little guys when you hit those unprecedented heights, OK?


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