YOU GUYS! I ACTUALLY WATCHED THE NEW GIRL FOR YOU! ASDFGHJKL;!
First, a little context. I hate Zooey Deschanel. Yeah, she played LouFest that one time and I know that some of you adore her, but I seriously can't stand her precious twee ways, her cotton skirts, her giant eyes and her abhorrent "singing." I know, I know: I have issues.
But until eight gazillion commercials featuring Prince and Zooey cuddling aired during the Super Bowl, I totally forgot that The Artist Formerly Known As Prince But Once Again Known As Prince was a huge fan of The New Girl and had worked his way onto an episode of the show. And here we freaking are.
See also: Check Out This Awesome Prince Fan Art
If you missed what surely ranks as one of the worst post-Super Bowl episodes of any show in the history of forever, you're lucky. But if you're curious about the purple crapfest, here's what went down:
A bunch of guys -- Zooey's roommates, we learn -- are arguing over who will pick up Zooey's panties. "Panties." They're saying "panties" over and over. This already is stupid. And then Zooey walks in. OH MY GOD, ZOOEY'S MOUTH MAKES WEIRD NOISES WHEN SHE TALKS ABOUT PRINCE. Zooey and her friend Cece somehow have scammed an invite to a party at Prince's house. They dance awkwardly to celebrate, and Zooey points out her underwear. Or panties. Whatever.
Later, Moonpie Eyes wears a stupid sequined shirt while debating which shoes to wear to Prince's party. Nobody really gives a crap. Rightfully so.
Zooey gets into the limo that Prince sends and in her weird voice laments not having long legs to fit the length of the car. Ummmmm, OK. Her boyfriend (Nick?) wishes her well and says he loves her, to which she painfully responds with finger guns and not "I love you, too." She's demented. Go to your stupid party, Zooey.
Now the guys are at home wondering how to say "I love you" without freaking out their ladyfolks. Oh, god, they're hatching a plot to crash Prince's party and help Nick "take it back." You know, because Nick can't wait three damn hours for Zooey to come home and have an adult conversation. Oh, and now the episode is becoming a commercial for Ford Fusion's excellent gas mileage as they drive to Prince's crib. This is ridiculous.
At the party, a shorn, newly-hot Clayton Kershaw of the Los Angeles Dodgers hits on Zooey, but she's not having any of it. Maybe she's offended that he doesn't read Hello Giggles. Her penis-endowed roommates are outside trying to get into the party, and there's a whole "This guy saved my life" thing with fake crying that's moving the dumbass bouncer to let two of them in. What? Seriously? This is dumb. Everyone knows you need to slip $5 bills to bouncers. And now Z's boyfriend shows up to the party with some models. WTF.
Ugh, more talking. Zooey doesn't know how to talk; how is her voice this annoying? Nick finds her, and she's trying to say "I love you" but falls down drunk. Wait, not drunk -- panic attack! Oh, that makes it funnier, then? Our friends with legit panic attacks are laughing their asses off, we're sure. Zooey's pals now are babysitting her outside, and Nick is taking the "I love you" back. But she loves him for real and can't say it! Confusing wacky sitcom hijinks -- so original. WHERE THE HELL IS PRINCE? WHY AM I WATCHING THIS SHOW?
The lovebirds ditch their friends so they can discuss this "I love you" thing alone. Well, alone except for Prince, who FINALLY shows up to give them advice -- but not before some elitism. "How rude of me, I haven't given you enough time to freak out now. You may do so now." Yes, Prince, please give these idiots more opportunities to show us how ridiculous they are.
Yes, there's more of this stupid show. Sorry.