Tour Diary: Spelling Bee. Show One

Joseph Hess from the band Spelling Bee wrote in to say that Internet issues and time have slowed the band's ability to send us tour missives. Instead, his friend Mitch Gilliam -- in the band Only the Bugman -- penned the following account of the tour's first show. And don't worry -- Hess promises a full report when the they return!

Spelling Bee's Mini Cooper, clutched by the cold hands of oblivion, rolled into Joplin, Missouri. The Cesspool Castle (French slang for Cesspool House) sat ominously atop a mountain which rose more ominously above ground level from a trench of interminable depth. Thunderclaps tore through the thin veil of comfort they had managed to maintain in sight of the cobblestone fortress. The bridge that gave pass over the chasm creaked and swayed under the weight of their car and gear. Joe's eyes seized Mabel's and they both understood the silent ocular agreement they had made: "We may die, but we will shred."

The wheels of the Cooper touched firm ground (British slang for Terra Firma) and they began their winding ascent. A large bird of interminable size circled above them; its peregrination punctuated by spiderwebs of lightning. Joe queried into its species, and Mabel quickly identified it as a Garf Wing. "It will Garf anything in sight," she added. Joe continued to ponder this for the last few windings of their road climb, but his thoughts of Garfing were cut short by a pale, dreadlocked figure in a long-sleeve Anal Blast shirt and camo pants. "I'm Gene, follow me," said the figure. Joe and Mabel complied.

He led them along an underground road lit by torches made of oddly flammable bone. Stifled tears and a church organ were distantly audible. The sobbing and music intensified until the three came face to face with a sobbing boy and a man playing music. "Why are you crying and you playing that music?" asked Mabel sympathetically. "The Garf Wing has garfed the power stone" said the boy. The man playing the organ informed them he does whatever he damn well pleases. The boy went on to explain that the show couldn't happen without all three pieces of the power stone. He explained further that although the Garf Wing had garfed it, it could only garf so much without expelling what it had previously garfed (Portuguese slang for this act is barfing.) Joe and Mabel, aided by lightning wit, realized they had brought 330 pounds of precooked bacon with them. (Note: Mabel is a total bitch without a belly full of bacon.) The boy quit crying and became elated while the man continued to do what he damn well pleased.

Gene led them up a tower to the very top of his septic shelter. The wind was howling, and the thunder was deafening. It took all the three could muster to stand in the middle of the madness. Mabel and Joe, with the splendor of a hundred sealed dreamcasts in their eyes, pressed their lips together and began throwing handfuls of bacon at that bastard of a bird. "Garf that bacon!" yelled Joe, followed by Mabel's more masculine commandment to simply "Garf Bacon!" The Garf Wing garfed and garfed until it could no longer garf and eventually barfed all three pieces of the powerstone into Joe, Mabel, and Gene's hickory tainted hands. (They were all eager to get the three pieces for themselves and try their super move but decided to be pros and just power up the stage.)

Spelling Bee churned out a lover's brew of mathy noise pop goodness and pleased the ghouls and specters of Gene's abode. Gene thanked them for all their hard work, and disappeared into a cloud of very strange Christmas smelling smoke. As they went to sleep on the Cesspool balcony that night they vowed to never forget that day, and to make sure the word "Garf"(Only the Bugman slang for eat) went global.