Schmitt Happens: With Eric in the Senate, Who Will Sue Missouri’s Schools?

Well, Missouri is anything but unpredictable, dear readers: The goblin — cough — person with an “R” next to their name has won the U.S. Senate race. Missouri Attorney General Eric Schmitt has apparently beaten Trudy Busch Valentine, with the AP calling the race around 9:12 p.m. after very preliminary results showed Schmitt up 62 to 35 percent.

But despite the vomit-inducing reactions you may be feeling right now, you might want to stop and consider one important question: What will our local school districts do with the money they no longer have to spend on lawyers?

Schmitt, in all of his lacking wisdom, sued multiple public school districts when elementary school-aged children were welcomed back to the classroom mid-pandemic with just one caveat: wearing a mask. Our attorney general simply could not let this stand, because there is nothing worse than preventing a deadly virus from spreading (that was sarcasm).
School districts — including, famously, the feisty one in Lee's Summit — defended their policies against the attorney general’s legal actions, and instead of minding his own children (whose school districts he also eventually sued), Schmitt doubled down.

But now Schmitt can move on from these petty (and oft-failed) lawsuits. He got the national (and campaign dollars) attention he sought, and now he’ll have copious amounts of time to spend with seditionist and now-senior Missouri Senator Josh Hawley in D.C., where he will be instructed in the art of peddling more conspiracy theories.

So now, fellow Missourians, we offer you a look on the bright side: School districts can turn their focus back to what has mattered all along — the kids. Maybe they can spend their money replacing banned books or buying new textbooks on Critical Race Theory (just kidding, literally no one teaches this shit, Schmitt made it up).

They’ll actually just spend what little money they get from the state on pencils for your kids.
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