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I, Seinfeld 

We score an exclusive interview with Bizarro Jerry

Our conspiracy theory about Jerry Seinfeld, most successful comedian of our time: He's run out of things to say. The man has been transmitting the clues for us to interpret. In the finale of his eponymous sitcom, Jerry and sidekick George, sitting in a jail cell with nothing else to talk about, rehash the same conversation (about how "the second button literally makes or breaks the shirt") that kicked off the pilot nine years prior. Once the show ended, Seinfeld staged a Broadway standup show and released a comedy album, both entitled I'm Telling You for the Last Time. It doesn't take a magic-loogie theory to figure this out, people.

So we figured, even with his new comedy tour's upcoming swing through St. Louis, what's the point of an interview with this guy? We all know the backstory anyway: Long Island boy becomes well-known comic thanks to multiple Tonight Show and Letterman appearances, teams up with colleague Larry David to create a "show about nothing," yada yada yada, now lives on Central Park West counting his bajillions, babying his Porsche collection and his baby daughter Sascha (born to the wife he swore for years he'd never have).

Instead, why not let the sitcom he's renowned for, and its know-'em-by-heart one-liners, do the talking? Like all great works of literature (Shakespeare, the Bible, Beatles lyrics), such art lends itself to interpretation. Hence, we give you the Bizarro Jerry Q&A.

RFT: Hope you don't mind that we're conducting this interview Bizarro-style, Mr. Seinfeld. Do you?

JS: No, intervene. Go ahead, intervene all you want. I'm just afraid you might be interfering while we're intervening.

Um, I said interview, not intervene. Anyway, this new tour puts you back on the road for the first time in about three years. Why another tour? Do you miss hearing millions of fans clapping their hands like mad for you?

We all want the hand. Hand is tough to get.

So true. And I'd imagine it's gotta be scary, wondering if your new material will knock 'em dead like the old stuff. Kinda like how the new Star Wars movies suck compared to the first trilogy.

You don't understand what I'm up against. This is a force more powerful than anything you can imagine. Even Superman would be helpless against this kind of stench.

You're talking above my head, sir; I don't know all that Hollywood Reporter, industry-insider jargon. Let's change the subject. Who's your pick to win the presidential election this fall?

No pick! No pick!

I see you're torn like most of the country. Ever thought about entering politics yourself?

I choose not to run!

Understandable. Well, looks like we've run out of time already. Anything else you'd like to add, Jerry?

You're a shmoopy!

Shmoopy? Why would you call don't know my name, do you?

Yes, I do.

What is it?

It, uh, rhymes with a female body part.

What is it?


It's Rose, like nose, you ass-munch!

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