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Peachy Keen Smoothie 

Kaldi's Coffeehouse and Market Bakery, 700 DeMun, Clayton, 314-727-9955

Waking from a nap, you rise, put on your fanciest jewel-adorned gown, then your tiara, and push through blue-velvet curtains and onto the balcony, which lords 50 feet above a grand square. It is 8:30 a.m. Raise your fist, and the crowd below roars. There you stand, overlooking the people. Your people, the humble proletarians who plow your fields, pluck peaches from hearty trees and gather raspberries from the acres of pregnant bushes. A fancy dignitary delicately removes your tiny tiara and replaces it with a glorious crown. The throngs howl, a million strong!

Architects spend years formulating lines and curves as subtle and as sensual as yours. And those eyes, so soft. You are literally adored by millions, and they all stand before you on this dazzling day. The journey from shanty to castle is complete. Where once you slurped up bowls of Honeycombs for breakfast, now your forgiving face is powdered, your platinum locks glowing, and you're fresh as the first spring magnolia blossom, ready for a breakfast worthy of your stature. A flashbulb twinkles in your eyes as tears roll down your face. A big smile ensues, and your front tooth tings. You wink, and they go apeshit. Snap your fingers and a slathered manservant hands you a goblet filled to the brim with Peachy Keen. Cup it in your hands and the gathered masses hush, anticipating the first taste of your maiden breakfast as queen: the Peachy Keen smoothie, a mixture of peaches, raspberries and lemonade made fresh at Kaldi's Coffeehouse in the DeMun neighborhood. Take a big swig, and raise your fist in defiant glory. Hold it on your royal-ass tongue, and the sourness explodes, so cold, so clean, so gosh-dang good for you! Yeah! Big swallow, and its chill works its way through your system.

Proletarians, of course, need a monstrous breakfast: eggs, grits, bacon, ham, hash browns, turkey leg, toast, pancakes, waffles, French toast. You, however, are no prole. You're a priss, a Queen, with hands absent a single callous and extendo-nails adorned with unicorns and rainbows. That much grease that early in the morning would ruin your complexion -- not to mention your ass and thighs -- and admit it, you're not going to break a sweat today, or any day soon.

You can get smoothies in a lot of places throughout your kingdom, but Kaldi's smoothies rule because they're so out there, so creative, so wow. And this one is a new favorite; it will fill you up for a few hours without dragging you down. It tastes like frozen peach-raspberry lemonade and is such a pretty color: hot pink. Sure, they're a little pricey, nearly $4 for a small. But you're loaded, so go for it, Lady. You are the Queen, and therefore, by definition, worldly and beautiful, and all-powerful, and hot and sexy. And the Peachy Keen is as well -- all-powerful, hot and sexy. It's the perfect way to start the first day of the rest of your charmed life, a life filled with joy, hope and springtime wonder.

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September 23, 2020

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