Kim Gardner hasn't even left office yet, but already people are speculating about who Governor Mike Parson will appoint as her replacement.
So who, realistically, might get Parson's consideration? We don't know, but unconstrained by reality, we decided to round up some candidates. Here are the results of our speculation. We're warning you, some of it is wild.
People Who Could Be St. Louis' Next Circuit Attorney
By Riverfront Times Staff on Thu, May 4, 2023 at 9:39 pm
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THEO WELLING
Patricia McCloskey
Like her husband, she knows the importance of innocent until proven guilty.
Like her husband, she knows the importance of innocent until proven guilty.
FILE PHOTO
Terry Crouppen
Who could steady the ship after these troubled waters better than that kindly guy in the TV commercials? Plus, he's so famous he floats above the city's petty Democrat vs. progressive divisions.
Who could steady the ship after these troubled waters better than that kindly guy in the TV commercials? Plus, he's so famous he floats above the city's petty Democrat vs. progressive divisions.
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SCREENSHOT
Mark McCloskey
If he protects the city half as well as he does his lawn, we’ll be in great shape.
If he protects the city half as well as he does his lawn, we’ll be in great shape.
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ROBERT COHEN ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH
Judge Mike Noble
He certainly has a way with words — and any man who can coin a phrase like “rudderless ship of chaos” deserves a bigger bully pulpit.
He certainly has a way with words — and any man who can coin a phrase like “rudderless ship of chaos” deserves a bigger bully pulpit.
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SCREENSHOT
Francesco Schettino
Look him up. He has experience with rudderless ships of chaos.
Look him up. He has experience with rudderless ships of chaos.
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SCREENSHOT
The pirate from Tom Hanks’ Captain Phillips movie
He’s the captain now.
He’s the captain now.
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File photo
Steve Roberts
Because instead of soothing St. Louis in these troubled times, we suspect Gov. Parson can’t wait to fuck us over — and Steve Roberts is the kind of Democrat only a Republican would love.
Because instead of soothing St. Louis in these troubled times, we suspect Gov. Parson can’t wait to fuck us over — and Steve Roberts is the kind of Democrat only a Republican would love.
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RYAN KRULL
Will Scharf
Hey, Andrew Bailey got Kim Gardner out of there for Governor Parson — the least Parson can do is get Bailey’s deep-pocketed rival out of the AG’s race.
Hey, Andrew Bailey got Kim Gardner out of there for Governor Parson — the least Parson can do is get Bailey’s deep-pocketed rival out of the AG’s race.
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DANNY WICENTOWSKI
Joe “Car Wash Daddy” Vaccaro
He’s a lawyer, right?
He’s a lawyer, right?
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RYAN KRULL
Bret Narayan
He actually is a lawyer. And if he leaves the Board of Aldermen, that clears the field for Car Wash Daddy’s triumphant return! What can we say, we miss the guy.
He actually is a lawyer. And if he leaves the Board of Aldermen, that clears the field for Car Wash Daddy’s triumphant return! What can we say, we miss the guy.
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Tom Carlson
Al Watkins
Because we need more big words with our shady lawyering.
Because we need more big words with our shady lawyering.
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Ryan Krull
Hal Goldsmith
We actually SHOULD get Assistant U.S. Attorney Hal Goldsmith in there to clean things up. Hal, you want this job, right? Right?????
We actually SHOULD get Assistant U.S. Attorney Hal Goldsmith in there to clean things up. Hal, you want this job, right? Right?????
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DANNY WICENTOWSKI
Brad Bradshaw
He’s a lawyer and (already) a doctor. No need to try to sneak in another degree from SLU.
He’s a lawyer and (already) a doctor. No need to try to sneak in another degree from SLU.
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SCREENSHOT
Lionel Hutz
He watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn’t on, but he thinks he got the gist of it.
He watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn’t on, but he thinks he got the gist of it.
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RYAN KRULL
Eric Schmitt
He’s not doing anything in the U.S. Senate anyway.
He’s not doing anything in the U.S. Senate anyway.
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TOM HELLAUER
Josh Hawley
If Kim could take nursing classes, surely Josh could find time for his treasured mid-day workouts and wine shopping. You say he doesn't live anywhere near St. Louis? He also doesn't live anywhere near Missouri, and that doesn't stop him from pretending to represent us in the Senate.
If Kim could take nursing classes, surely Josh could find time for his treasured mid-day workouts and wine shopping. You say he doesn't live anywhere near St. Louis? He also doesn't live anywhere near Missouri, and that doesn't stop him from pretending to represent us in the Senate.
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BRADEN MCMAKIN
Daniel Drake
The food artist of Dancakes fame can flip the hell out of a pancake… Maybe he can flip a beleaguered office into something functional.
The food artist of Dancakes fame can flip the hell out of a pancake… Maybe he can flip a beleaguered office into something functional.
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DOYLE MURPHY
Javad Khazaeli
He’s smart. He wants the city to do better. He’s wound up about everything. His very presence would be a wild jolt of adrenaline for the three beleaguered souls still left on CAO staff.
He’s smart. He wants the city to do better. He’s wound up about everything. His very presence would be a wild jolt of adrenaline for the three beleaguered souls still left on CAO staff.
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Photo by Danny Wicentowski
Jane Dueker
Just title this one “Mike Parson’s Revenge.”
Just title this one “Mike Parson’s Revenge.”
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FILE PHOTO
Catherine Hanaway
She’s tough, she’s less of a right winger than Jane Dueker, and she has the backing of the only Republican not named McCloskey left in the city — Rex Sinquefield.
She’s tough, she’s less of a right winger than Jane Dueker, and she has the backing of the only Republican not named McCloskey left in the city — Rex Sinquefield.
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