The Forty Challenge 

"No stronger than the tap water in Compton": We put Forties to the test

Event Description: Like the Pepsi Challenge, except with eight types of Forties, miniature corn dogs and popcorn instead of two kinds of cola and bland soda crackers.

Location: Tin Can Tavern & Grille, St. Louis, Missouri.

Jury: Preferring to remain anonymous, our five tasters were permitted to adopt their own nicknames. Ergo, Milt Thompson, Sweet Baby Swain, C-Dawg, Wetsuit Benji and Blind Phyllis.

The Field: Budweiser, Colt .45, King Cobra, Liquor de Malt, Miller High Life, Milwaukee's Best Ice, Olde English "800," St. Ides.

Results are listed in reverse order (worst to first), with commentary:

8) Colt .45

Milt Thompson: "That's gross. This tastes like Patrick Ewing's jersey after game seven."

Blind Phyllis: "Actually not that bad when combined with copious amounts of popcorn."

C-Dawg: "One of the most confusing moments of my well-heeled adolescence was when I came home to find my dad sitting on the kitchen table with his shirt off, drinking a Forty of Colt .45 on a hot summer day. He was like, 'It was on sale.'"

7) Budweiser

Sweet Baby Swain: "It's like my grandma's Forty. Big deal."

Blind Phyllis: "Tastes like Wynonna Judd's love handles after the third encore."

6) Miller High Life

Sweet Baby Swain: "If you're middle-aged and mowing the lawn, then yeah, this is OK. There's really no other reason to put it in a Forty."

C-Dawg: "Reminds me of drinking water out of a hose."

Wetsuit Benji: "If it's not malt liquor, it just tastes wrong."

5) King Cobra

C-Dawg: "It tastes sort of like a wet sock."

Sweet Baby Swain: "I see why the brothers like it."

Milt Thompson: "This is what got me through college. We used to get a Cobra, two hot dogs and a cheap pack of cigarettes for $3.50. That's all we did when we were in the dorms. Nobody had any money. Half the time we'd steal the two hot dogs so we could get a better pack of cigs."

4) Milwaukee's Best Ice

Blind Phyllis: "Inoffensive and refreshing."

Sweet Baby Swain: "At first I didn't like it because of the Ice factor. Now I do. The Beast bites you back!"

Milt Thompson: "All three of Tina Turner's backup dancers look like Beyoncé."

3) St. Ides

C-Dawg: "Piquant, smooth and slightly Caucasian."

Milt Thompson: "Makes me want to hump a plastic-covered couch."

Sweet Baby Swain: "It makes me feel like Ice Cube, except I don't put out shitty movies."

2) Olde English "800"

Wetsuit Benji: "This is the beer of my childhood."

Blind Phyllis: "Like air -- so smooth!"

C-Dawg: "This doesn't really taste like much of anything. No stronger than the tap water in Compton."

1) Liquor de Malt

Blind Phyllis: "It tastes like a microbrew! Nut Brown Ale or Sierra Nevada."

Milt Thompson: "Good! Like a Victoria's Secret thong."

C-Dawg: "Like it was poured down Aaron Neville's chest. Like cocoa butter."

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