Well, it was beautiful while it lasted, but that free, messy, and anonymous internet we grew up with? Its days are numbered if things don’t change. New age-verification laws are coming fast, framed as “protecting the kids,” but that’s not what they actually do. What these laws do is more along the lines of tracking your movement online, censoring content, and making it easier for your data to get swiped. Privacy and free expression are on the chopping block — all so someone else can decide what’s “safe.”
Worldwide, more governments are pushing age-verification laws under the banner of protecting minors from harmful content. In the UK, the Online Safety Act now requires a full ID check to access adult content. In the United States, states like Texas, Utah, and Louisiana are all in the process of passing (or have already passed) similar laws. Now, I love irony in all its forms, but this particular flavor is extra special. The laws? They barely work. VPN use has skyrocketed, and kids are finding workarounds faster than lawmakers can draft new bills. And yet, these laws keep coming, despite their failure — because, spoiler alert, they’re not actually about protecting kids. They’re about collecting data.
If you’ve ever heard the term “safety theater,” you’re watching it in action now. Age-verification laws are largely performative, designed to make governments look like they’re solving a problem. They tout these rules as a way to shield innocent eyes, but numerous studies show kids bypass restrictions with ease. Platforms can’t even consistently detect or filter harmful content. What these laws are good at, though, is tracking exactly who is looking at what. Big Brother? Please. This is Digital Dad, Digital Mom, and Creepy Uncle Marketer, all watching you through the webcam.
Age-verification laws also open the door for massive content choke points. To avoid liability, platforms start deleting borderline content altogether. LGBTQIA+ creators? They’re always first in line when “harmful content” flags start flying. Trans, queer, and sex-positive communities could lose visibility overnight. The same governments that claim to “protect the children” are also deciding what’s appropriate for them to see. And what they deem “appropriate” never seems to include queerness, sex positivity, or anything that makes certain lawmakers squirm. Free speech advocates are right to sound alarms: once censorship targets porn, speech, art, and identity are always next.
To comply with these new laws, many platforms are rolling out biometric age checks. That’s right — scanning your face so a system can “guess” your age. If that sounds like something straight out of Minority Report, you’re not alone. Here’s the problem: tech companies hoarding facial data opens the door to tying your identity directly to your browsing habits. Minors just trying to access streaming platforms or games could end up feeding their data straight into commercial algorithms. And if I haven’t driven this home enough yet, this isn’t really about keeping kids away from porn. It’s about mapping their preferences. It’s about shaping their online worlds and locking them into paths defined by predictive advertising. Your kid just wanted to watch a clip on YouTube? Congratulations. Now they’re flagged as a future dental hygienist with a penchant for Diet Coke and Wendy’s chicken nuggets.
Once this infrastructure exists, there’s no stuffing the toothpaste back in the tube. Allow me a quick Yoda moment: IDs lead to data. Data leads to ads. Ads… lead to manipulation. These systems could decide who your child is and what they want before they’re even old enough for a learner’s permit. Digital freedom isn’t revoked in one swoop. It’s stripped away click by click.
Like I said earlier, I really hope you’ve enjoyed your free and open internet. Because unless we push back — hard and fast — you’re about to start scanning your face just to watch cats chase laser pointers. Stay tuned to what’s happening with age-verification laws, and while it’s nobody’s favorite pastime, make sure you actually read the terms and conditions your favorite platforms throw at you. This isn’t just about porn. It’s about who decides what you see, what you learn, and ultimately, who you get to be.
