We have radioactive shrimp now? Sounds about like 2025. We’re all still recovering from our roommate’s AI meltdown, not getting invited to Jeff Bezos’ wedding, and preparing for the release of TS 12, but sure. Radioactive shrimp it is.
So where are there radioactive shrimp? This one little story no one’s heard of called Walmart. …except everyone shops there, and it was also the bargain-brand shrimp that was flagged for cesium-137 contamination, so you might wanna double-check the bag in your freezer and yeet that mess. The FDA and Border Protection were the lucky ones who noticed the glowing sea bugs in four of the United States’ major ports: Los Angeles, Houston, Savannah, and Miami. It’s almost as though the shrimps went on a radioactive road trip and got dinged at every single stop.
How do you know if the Shrimpocalypse affects you? Well, go check your freezer, because it appears to only be the frozen shrimps that are gnarly. Great Value brand raw frozen shrimp in the 2-lb bag is what you want to be checking for. If you’re one of the unlucky ones who has a bag, check the bag for lot codes: 8005540-1, 8005538-1, 8005539-1, and a best-by date of March 15th, 2027. “Beware the Ides of March,” amirite?
The affected shrimps are suspected to have been distributed across 13 states: Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, Louisiana, Missouri, Mississippi, Ohio, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Texas, and West Virginia. The FDA did ruin this for all of us and says that the detected level (~68 Bq/kg) is below the danger threshold. You aren’t likely to sprout glow-in-the-dark gills unless you eat more shrimp than is ideal for any human (even when it isn’t radioactive).
The FDA is actively warning people not to eat, sell, or serve the shrimp to other people who might eat it. Indonesian supplier BMS Foods is now on an Import Alert and is working with Indonesian regulators to figure out which mad scientist is trying to grow Superman shellfish. Walmart has moved like the wind to remove the shrimp from the shelves and is offering customers full refunds for recalled bags of RADIOACTIVE SHRIMP. We have radioactive shrimp. I’m not over that yet.
So, are we all doomed? No. The FDA says there’s no immediate health risk and that the levels are too low to cause instant harm. However, long-term exposure to cesium-137 increases your potential risk of cancer. There haven’t yet been any confirmed cases of the shrimp reaching consumers, but if you’re worried, just go check your freezer (and maybe your Nanna’s too). The bad news is that you won’t gain immediate superpowers from eating a radioactive shrimp. The good news is that you (probably) won’t get cancer from them either, but it’s still a good idea to get that bag out of your house ASAP.
Ok, 2025. You’ve thrown some doozies our way this year, but I’ve got to admit, this one made me chuckle a little bit. It also made me rewrite the theme song for the Spider-Man cartoon, but I won’t be offending any of you with that rendition here. You’ve got enough to deal with, what with the radioactive shrimp in the freezer.
