St. Louis Riverfront Times

Tag: Columns

  • Ask a Mexican: Why are Mexicans always stealing things?

    Ask a Mexican: Why are Mexicans always stealing things?

    Dear Mexican: As a kid, I grew up with Mexicans who stole things just to steal. As an adult, I see much of the same behavior from adult Mexicans and their children. And I don’t mean just the poor Mexicans. Why is it in their nature for Mexicans to steal?

    Larcenous Lester

     

    Dear Gabacho: The Chicano answer? Mexicans rob as payback for the United States swiping half of Mexico during the Mexican-American War. The sociological view? Poor people tend to commit more burglaries than the rich or middle class, and many Mexicans in los Estados Unidos are a missed paycheck away from the welfare cheese. Or I can sidestep your question and claim that, even if your assertion is true, gabacho embezzlement is ultimately the bigger crime and refer to the convictions of many top executives as proof. All of these explanations are intellectually dishonest responses — but that’s what your pregunta deserves. Theft is no more an innate trait amongst Mexicans than it is amongst other ethnic groups — gabachos only think it is, thanks to centuries of stereotypes perpetuated by American-made caricatures ranging from the Frito Bandito to Carlos Mencia. I will admit to one thing that Mexicans are prone to steal, though: low-paying jobs from Americans. And that couldn’t happen without the help of the free market’s invisible hand and the lazy asses of gabachos.

    Dear Mexican: I’m a pocha from SanTana now living in Portland, Oregon, a town crawling with gabachos. Why? Because I married one. I love that silly gabacho pelón, and as a Mexican, I show him my affections the only way I know how — by teasing him. He doesn’t understand how humor at his expense is a sign of love, and I’ve tried explaining that there’s nothing that Mexicans cannot laugh at, love included. When a Mexican teases, it’s a sign of esteem. I’ve had a similar conversation with some Italian friends and they get it, but the gabachos take themselves so seriously! I love my tía and primas no less for calling me gorda panzona growing up. How do I explain to my husband, and gabacho friends in general, that when I tease them and their mothers about how much they look like a Guatemalan when they act like tontos, I do it out of love and not to be a babosa?

    Cabrona Chistosa

     

    Dear Funny Bad-Ass Wabette: Gracias for nothing. I just spent a couple hundred words arguing that thievery isn’t Mexico’s second national pastime after soccer — and then you try to take my job! Tell those Portland gabachos what you told me — that teasing is a sign of amor for Mexicans, that nothing is so holy that you can’t chop it down a couple of pegs with choice invectives like gorda panzona (big-bellied fatty) or pelón (baldy). If you really want to impress them, reference Mexican philosopher Jorge Portilla’s 1966 tome Fenomenología del Relajo, y Otros Ensayos (Phenomenology of Relajo and Other Essays), in which he examines the uniquely Mexican concept known as echando relajo (roughly translated as “bullshitting”) and its relationship to the Mexican propensity to make light of everything. The sociologist’s take: “The moral subject is transformed into a humorist when she begins to understand suffering as necessarily derived from finitude, as something essential to the human condition.” Translation: Faced with the terrifying reality of being Mexican, Mexicans must laugh or get drunk trying.

    Muchos tamales go to Carlos Alberto Sanchez, professor of philosophy at San Jose State University, for his help on this question. Read the good profe‘s essay, “The Phenomenology of Jorge Portilla: Relajo, Gelassenheit and Liberation,” in this spring’s issue of The American Philosophical Association Newsletter on Hispanic/Latino Issues. See, Larcenous Lester? Mexicans don’t steal — they cite.

    Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at [email protected]. Those of you who do submit questions: they will be edited for clarity, cabrones. And include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we’ll make one up for you!

     

     

  • Why won’t Mexican men go down on their ladies?

    Why won’t Mexican men go down on their ladies?

    Dear Mexican: A friend says she read somewhere that only 20 percent of Mexican men will go down on their ladies. I don’t believe that. Can you “spread” some light on the subject?
    El Gabacho Guapo


    Dear Handsome Gabacho: Let me penetrate the thrust of your friend’s argument by referring her to the seminal The International Encyclopedia of Sexuality, a set of studies on the world’s sex habits gathered into one grande book. Its Mexico section cites two surveys from the early 1990s that found about 50 percent of men in Mexico City practiced oral sex on women — more than twice the amount that your friend laid out. The Mexican hombre taste for cunnilingus grows once they hop over to the United States: a 2002 report by the National Center for Health Statistics showed that 74 percent of Latino men had performed cunnilingus at one point in their life. But that amount is dwarfed by the 87 percent of gabachos questioned by the NCHS who admitted to doing the deed. The Mexican holds various theories about why his swarthy hermanos aren’t as prone to panocha pecking as gabachos — traditional Mexican men don’t bother with cunnilingus since it doesn’t lead to procreation, Mexican women are too ashamed of their bodies to allow a male tongue to lick their hoo-haa, Mexico’s endemic machismo produces a culture where vagina dentata is as feared as la migra. But forget explanations: The paucity of Mexican men who munch muff is an urgent social ill, and I urge all mujeres to remedy the problem by nabbing a Mexican and faking an orgasm in the name of la raza.

    Dear Mexican: What do you think will happen to the gringos if Mexicans become the biggest raza in America, like a lot of people predict?
    El Mex de Durango


    Dear Wab: That’s the 64,000-peso question. Demographics show that Mexican birth rates grow even as those of gabachos fall. The Jim Gilchrists of this country predict chaos and a goat in every backyard once there are more Mexicans than gabachos; pro-amnesty activists claim Mexicans will assimilate into this country’s fabric just as previous immigrant groups did. I’m among the latter, and propose we’ll be the most American ethnic group yet. Taking historical cues from our gabacho forefathers, Mexicans will ridicule English speakers and dismiss them as lazy minorities with funny-sounding surnames and traditions. We’ll do what gabachos were always too pussy to try — take over Mexico — and create a true NAFTA, bringing further riches to the United States and ending the illegal immigration problem for good. Then we’ll become too complacent and fat, and gabachos will plot the takeover of their ancestral lands by having more babies and agitating for affirmative action and Gabacha/o Studies programs. Moral of the story? Protect your children’s future, gabachos — treat Mexicans well and encourage their simpático ways. Otherwise, they might just become Americans.

    Dear Mexican: President George W. Bush wants Guatemala to have the next two-year term on the U.N. Security Council. Your thoughts on this nomination and what the world can expect should it happen would be appreciated.
    Gabacho in Pittsburgh, PA


    Dear Gabacho: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

    Dear Readers: In my October 12 column, I wrote that the United States “never had the decency to invade Mexico.” Of course, the U.S. has invaded Mexico — during the Mexican-American War and when General John Pershing unsuccessfully pursued Pancho Villa in 1915. What I meant to say was that the United States “never had the decency to occupy Mexico, install a puppet regime, then sit back as the natives slaughtered our boys and each other, while our true enemies bide their time somewhere in the tribal lands of Afghanistan and Pakistan.” My apologies.

    Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at [email protected]. And those of you who do submit questions: include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we’ll make one up for you!



  • RFT readers weigh in on the closing of the Creepy Crawl

    RFT readers weigh in on the closing of the Creepy Crawl

    A to Z, December 22, 2008

    May the Creepy Crawl Rest in Peace

    Thanks for the memories: Grand Center will surely crumble now [“The Creepy Crawl is Closing,” Annie Zaleski]. I guess it sucks that it is closing, but honestly, who gave a fuck after it moved? Nothing got booked anymore, and it was sterilized. This is not Mississippi Nights closing. I used to long for Mississippi Nights to reopen, but venues are a time and a place, not a name. Creepy Crawl 1.0 was great, this place was not.

    Some memorable shows I saw at Creepy Crawl 1.0: Eagles of Death Metal with the Giraffes; Kasabian, with a stadium light show; Serena Maneesh; the Burning Brides. RIP Creepy Crawl.

    Pete E. Parisi, via the Internet

    Hamburger helper: Yeah, I’ve got a lot of Creepy Crawl 1 memories: Guitar Wolf; (International) Noise Conspiracy; the Strike/Odd Numbers; the Briefs; Moral Crux; Nomeansno and Dillinger Four’s Paddy doing a headstand in a vomit-and-piss-filled toilet; and exactly one Creepy Crawl 2 memory: Neil Hamburger.

    Jason Toon, via the Internet

    Closing was inevitable: I think everyone kind of assumed it was just a matter of time after the move happened. Standout shows I saw at the old Crawl: Guitar Wolf; Shonen Knife; Greenhornes (the last show with Brian Olive, featuring an onstage brawl and everything!); Captured by Robots; Dillinger Four (I was also there for Paddy’s filthy-toilet headstand); Shattermask.

    Matt Picker, via the Internet

    Creepy No. 2 was no Creepy No. 1: Creepy Crawl 2.0 wasn’t what it could have been. It’s a shame because Jeff’s totally a swell dude. A bunch of 1.0, but a few 2.0 mammories: the Dirtbombs; the Detroit Cobras; the Von Bondies; the Riverboat Gamblers.

    But I guess those bands would have been impressive anywhere they played.

    Jason Potter, via the Internet

    Fond memories of toothless hoosiers: It’s obvious that the old location, of course, had a different vibe than the new place. The layers of flyers and grime each told a story about a bit of time and fun. Creepy managed to create a real word-of-mouth equal to that of the Outhouse in Lawrence, Kansas, as the place to play in the Midwest for touring bands. Once the name was ripped from that building it really never could be the same. I’m not sure that any attempt was made to make it the same, other than the bands that were booked there after the move. I had a lot of fun at Creepy, even when the shows blew beyond belief, as toothless hoosiers growled from the stage about Satan and Busch beer. The second floor was the scene of a lot of fun, too, but those are other stories. The best shows there off the top of my head would be discovering Grade, Wretch Like Me and Dead Lazlo’s Place over a couple of months in late 1998. Beyond that, the best shows were: The Dragons, Hot Water Music, UK Subs (Come on, I have to list that one, right?), Chargers St. Gang, Riverboat Gamblers, Bad Brains, GBH — and that’s just off the top of my head. I’m sure I could think of ten more if I tried. Anyway, it’s a shame to see it go but I’m afraid it had already gone.

    Tim, via the Internet

    Cutting the Mustard: Ahh, what the heck, I’ll chime in about CC 1.0. I never even went inside CC 2.0, sadly (or…not?). I’ll always be grateful to Jeff for giving Mustardfish a chance, and letting me set up shows here and there, when nobody else gave a darn! Memorable times at Creepy Crawl 1.0 — keeping in mind I never went there before, say, the year 2000 — included: Erase Errata, Arab on Radar, Lightning Bolt, the Flying Luttenbachers and the Locust. For what it’s worth, to this day I’ve probably played there as much as or more than anyplace else, with various outfits. RIP!

    Pancake Master, via the Internet

    Same as it ever was: Reading many of the above comments, I wonder if one contributing factor to the Creepy Crawl’s demise is that the new place “wasn’t the same” as the old one. Forced nostalgia can’t be the only reason for the Creepy Crawl’s closure, since it appears to be following in the footsteps of other musical venues closing shop. But if there’s so much of a cry for how great the old Creepy Crawl was, that may mean that the new one was never given a chance.

    Stannate, via the Internet

  • Please do whatever it takes to clean up the mess Irons has created and give future Vashon players something to be proud of: integrity.

    Please do whatever it takes to clean up the mess Irons has created and give future Vashon players something to be proud of: integrity.

    Feature, November 9, 2006


    Long Live Dave Simon


    Long live Annie Zaleski!     I have only read the online version of “Long Live Rock School” and can’t wait to get the paper copy, but I want to commend Annie Zaleski on her great article. I am Claire Holohan’s, mom and she absolutely captured the essence of the school and the truly wonderful qualities of Dave Simon.

    The article is just great, and demonstrates Annie’s depth of understanding. Thanks for taking the time and care.
    Faith Sandler, St. Louis


    Feature, November 2, 2006


    Balls


    Bad sport:     Good article on something we always suspected of happening. Having a son who played against Floyd Irons’ team in 2005 and losing just adds to the disappointment of not advancing.

    An interesting point no one has mentioned: Irons would not shake the opposing team players’ hands after a game, for whatever reason. Although I don’t believe anyone would have beaten Poplar Bluff that year, it would have been fun advancing to the next level. I was very happy when they beat Vashon, and especially happy in how they did it.
    Mike Beryman, St. Charles


    At least he got his clock cleaned: Kristen Hinman did a great job reporting “Basketball by the Book.” I loved the article.

    Having been a basketball player myself and an avid fan, I have seen Irons coach. We saw his team play in Columbia at the state championships against Poplar Bluff. He was confident of winning and ordered boxes of state champs shirts. Poplar Bluff cleaned Vashon’s clocks. Irons was so rude and unsportsmanlike. He pulled his players off the court with minutes left on the clock and did not shake the winning coach’s hand. Gee, that is really showing class.

    Good job on [exposing] a phony-baloney snake in the grass.
    Pamela Kennedy, St. Louis


    Why pick on Vashon? Why now, may I ask? The witch hunt continues. I have never played basketball for Floyd Irons or attended Vashon, but I have many friends and acquaintances that who done the latter, and I have followed his career as a coach and mentor. It amazes me that people still have it out for Mr. Irons and the Vashon basketball program. We all know that there may be some violations within the program, but I’d be willing to bet that these are violations that almost every school with powerful sports programs violates in some form, such as Rich Grawer and Clayton High.

    The Wolverines have not been ordered by the Missouri State High School Activities Association to forfeit a single game. Is this their fault? What’s going on with MSHSAA?

    Why are we still picking on Vashon? Every local sports fan knows Vashon has built a dynasty. Vashon has been and still is the best sports team in St. Louis, not the Blues, Rams or Cardinals (though I congratulate them on the World Series). Now that it seems that Mr. Irons may be gone as a coach, schools like DeSmet, Vianney and Hazelwood Central just may have a chance to win a state title.
    Marvin Crummer, St. Louis


    Integrity is the name of the game: So where do we go from here? Thanks for Kristen Hinman’s research and hard work, but it won’t generate any change in the culture of Vashon unless the program is penalized seriously, like forfeiture of the state championships, fines and a year’s suspension from MSHSAA. From what you have found to be true, that’s the least that should happen.

    Let me comment on just a few more things concerning Coach Irons. I was on the board of MSHSAA for three years and represented the St. Louis area. When I shared some of the stories I heard from other coaches and administrators, I was told by MSHSAA that we didn’t have an investigative body, like the NCAA does, to monitor where players lived. Now, after I’ve retired, it appears they do have a committee. Unfortunately, as you reported, these infractions have been going on for at least eight years.

    Putting Irons and Demetrious Johnson in the same sentence also sends a strong message. Both do more to hurt race relations in St. Louis by their talk and actions than any I know.

    On the issue of recruiting, Irons didn’t have to personally recruit any player. The program’s success did that for him. And the comment from the mother — “Look, sometimes as a parent you got to do what you got to do for your kids” — that sets a great example for them. Next the kids will think it is all right to cheat on income taxes and do other dishonest things they somehow think they are “entitled to.”

    Think of the injustice to every other student athlete that has to compete with a program like Vashon’s. Is it fair for them to lose to a team year in and year out that uses ineligible players and suffers no consequences? Please do whatever it takes to clean up the mess Irons has created and give future Vashon players something to be proud of: integrity.
    L. Kreyling, Johns Island, South Carolina


    At long last — someone who “gets it”! I laughed as hard as anyone else when I read your cover story about Vashon cheating at basketball. You guys are really getting good at these spoofs, and I’m getting better at appreciating them. Your impersonation of Floyd Irons — you know, the made-up quotes — sounded exactly like him, just the way Mike Shannon did in your satire a couple of weeks ago.

    I admit it took a while for me to catch on last time. (A flashy downtown arts district? Frank Gehry? Of course it can’t happen here. Dawn breaks slowly over Marblehead!) Satire works so much better when you are invited to take it seriously and the subject means something to you. Some people around here might hold high school sports in such high regard that they would not see the wickedly brilliant humor in your fake exposé, but not me.

    Bravo and well done. Keep those barbed yuks up. Pretty soon you’ll have the number-one satire magazine in the whole city.
    James Dolan, St. Louis

  • RFT readers skirmish over whether a kickball league in Tower Grove Park deserved the boot for unruly behavior

    RFT readers skirmish over whether a kickball league in Tower Grove Park deserved the boot for unruly behavior

    DAILY RFT, APRIL 21, 2010
    SHOW SOME BALLS
    Tower Grove caves: I have been playing kickball since last spring, and I have never seen anything close to the incidents reported [“BigBalls Kickball League Kicked Out of Tower Grove Park for Unruly Behavior,” Chad Garrison]. I think Tower Grove was just looking for a way to back out.
    Kickball Rules, via the Internet

    Kickball league gets bad rap: I’m in total agreement with Kickball Rules. Tower Grove wanted out, and the residents on the Magnolia side of the park had it out for the league. Both were bound and determined to kick BigBalls out. I never heard of such problems from the residents on the Arsenal side of the park. Perhaps the Arsenal-side residents were used to all the kickball leagues, and Magnolia couldn’t tolerate a change.

    Branding the rest of the league as “drunken grade-schoolers” as this “writer” suggests is totally false. Many in the league enjoyed our time in the park respectfully and appropriately. I never saw the incidents mentioned, but I’m sure the residents created some of these accusations to force Tower Grove to move.
    BigBalls Supporter, via the Internet

    No kidding? Fucking hipster hoosier kickballer motherfuckers. Next time you jump out in front of my car as I’m cruising down Arsenal, I’ll have to pick American Apparel out of my grill.
    Die Hipster Scum, via the Internet

    Take your ball and go home: I live on Arsenal. I hate kickballers. You’re always crossing the street in front of traffic. I’ve been flipped off by people not crossing in a crosswalk because they darted out in front of me. You can’t run in the park when the kickballers are there because the trails are covered with coolers and people’s chairs. You all smoke and leave trash everywhere. I’ve personally seen drunken behavior and people vomiting on multiple occasions. You’re all a bunch of arrogant, overgrown frat boys and sorority girls. Get out. Good riddance.
    Drunken Grade-schoolers Is Accurate, via the Internet

    Troubled by team names: I wonder what your “professional” employers would say if they knew you were on a team called the “Gang Bang All-Stars” or the “Prom Night Dumpster Babies.”
    Just a Bunch of 20s and 30s Professionals?, via the Internet

    DAILY RFT, APRIL 20, 2010
    ARCH GROUNDS DEBATE
    Nothing could be uglier: I sure hope this position was decided by a coin toss, because it doesn’t make sense [“Tuesday Tussle: Part 1, Tearing Down I-70 Near the Arch Is Utterly Unnecessary,” Keegan Hamilton]! Andrew Faulkner doesn’t claim it’s impossible to walk from the Arch grounds to Busch Stadium. He says that people don’t do it because the present infrastructure discourages people from doing so. Try walking from the Old Cathedral to the Stadium and time that, by the way. A direct route down Walnut would take the average able-bodied person less than two minutes, probably. That’s a lot of time-savings as a pedestrian, especially a fickle-minded, wayward tourist.

    Also, there has already been a decision to spend a lot of money on fixing the connections to the Arch grounds! Since the plans are to better connect downtown to the Arch, why don’t we do the best job possible rather than accepting visually hideous “functionality.” I challenge you to find an uglier bit of infrastructure so close to such an iconic structure as the Arch in any other city. It’s a civic embarrassment.

    For the final point, Memorial Drive, just west of the Arch, is not City to River’s only beef. It’s the elevated portion that divides Washington Avenue from the Landing and Arch grounds that serves as another ugly blockade. Are we cool now?
    Matthew Mourning, via the Internet

    DAILY RFT, APRIL 16, 2010
    RECKLESS RULING
    Trooper deserved harsher punishment: Law-enforcement officials are probably high-fiving each other over this ruling [“Illinois Trooper Gets 30 Months Probation for Reckless Homicide of Two Teens,” Amir Kurtovic]. Getting away with reckless behavior is a perk for them. Had the circumstances been reversed, and the officer was struck and killed — rather than these two women — Matt Mitchell would have had a stretch of Interstate 64 named after him. There would have been endless news reports on his bravery and heroism, along with the family members he left behind. In this age of the Internet, it might be a good idea to start keeping a database of officers like these and then have this dog them in their employment and personal lives for the rest of their days.
    Concerned, via the Internet

  • Why do Mexicans hang CDs from their rear-view mirrors?

    Why do Mexicans hang CDs from their rear-view mirrors?

    Dear Mexican: What’s with Mexican-Americans who live in New Mexico claiming they’re Spanish and not Mexican? Many actually get angry and combative if you ask them if they’re Mexican. But if you look at them, they look more Indian than Spanish! Why have so many developed a deep-seated embarrassment of who they are? Why are many so ashamed of their heritage?

    Albuquerque Amigo


    Dear Mexican: Why are Mexicans in California proud of their Mexican roots but in New Mexico they’re ashamed?

    Hispano Hottie


    Dear Mexican: Why do people in New Mexico (many of them my relatives) believe that they’re Spanish and deny that the area used to belong to Mexico?

    Bill Richardson for Presidente


    Dear Readers: Ever since the Mexican first appeared in Albuquerque’s Weekly Alibi, readers of that muy bueno paper continue to swamp my mailbox with this question; it now ranks behind only “Why do Mexicans swim with their clothes on?” as the most-asked pregunta in “¡Ask a Mexican!” history. The easy response is that New Mexicans are simply smarter than other wabs, because no one in their right mind should ever claim Mexican heritage. Besides, Mexico’s claim to New Mexico — to the entire southwest United States, for that matter — is as tenuous as the peso’s value. Mexico ruled the Land of Enchantment from 1812 until 1848, a chronological fart between the much-longer reigns of the Spaniards (212 years), gabachos (158 years) and the Native Americans (eternal). Mexico’s lazy mestizos never made much effort to populate New Mexico, so many longtime New Mexicans can honestly claim a Mexican-free background. But those so-called Hispanos are delusional: Even if a Hispano can proclaim his family clean of Mexicans, many Hispanos intermingled with gabachos or Indians (consult Ramón A. Guttiérez’s controversial 1991 study When Jesus Came, the Corn Mothers Went Away: Marriage, Sexuality and Power in New Mexico, 1500-1846). And even if a Hispano has no Mesoamerican blood whatsoever, his Spanish ancestors were the mutts of Iberia — Jews, Arabs, bastard sons and other miscreants who fled the Inquisition for the northernmost border of New Spain. The Hispanic experience in America, whether you’re Mexican, Hispano or even Guatemalan, is one of impurity, so Hispanos should stop with their Spanish superiority complex — they’re no better than Mexicans.

    Dear Mexican: Why do Mexicans hang CDs from their car’s rear-view mirrors?

    Poor Use of That Album


    Dear PUTO: Any number of reasons. Mexicans love religious tchotchkes — seven separate religious icons guard my car, from a rosary to a St. Jude prayer card to a statue of the Santo Niño de Atocha (venerated in New Mexico and Zacatecas) — so the CD you see dangling might just be a Virgin of Guadalupe mini-hubcap. Mexicans also like pretty, shiny things — dig all the gold jewelry we hang from our earlobes and necks, our spinning rims and Three Flowers-brilliantined hair. Or Mexicans might hang CDs in an effort to stymie radar guns, a long-disproved urban legend that only proves Mexicans don’t see the Discover Channel show Mythbusters, which devoted a 2004 episode to debunking that popular belief. But to paraphrase Freud, sometimes a CD is just a CD. Maybe the offending Mexican wants the world to know about his favorite album but can’t fit a sticker on the car because all those pinche bull decals, Calvin-pissing-on-something logos, Mexican flags and “¡Viva México, Cabrones!” license-plate holders get in the way.

    Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at [email protected]. And those of you who do submit questions: Include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we’ll make one up for you!



  • The Mexican answers his spiciest question yet.

    The Mexican answers his spiciest question yet.

    Dear Mexican: I’m a 60-year-old Chicano and proud. Why do young Chicanos keep imitating blacks? They dress like blacks, talk like blacks, listen to black music and hang with blacks. Aren’t they proud of their own culture? Why don’t they embrace Hispanic ways and learn about Hispanic history?

    Say It Loud! I’m Brown and I’m Proud!

     

    Dear Wab: Your letter is remarkable, porque it simultaneously refutes and validates the fears of gabachos who say Mexicans aren’t assimilating into this grand land. As you correctly point out, many Mexican kids in los Estados Unidos embrace African-American culture. No big mystery there — black culture is American youth culture, and even the wabbiest chamaco wants to keep up with his American-born peers. But then there are older pendejos like you who retain Mexico’s deep-rooted hatred of Afro-anything and inculcate their children with it. The result is racial animosity — riots at high schools and prisons, gangsters who bump Tupac while bumping off black teens, or mensos like you who find no irony in appropriating James Brown’s black-power anthem for a pseudonym. Many Mexican kids do embrace their mother culture, and that’s the problem: instead of seeing blacks and Mexicans as oppressed hermanos, the younger generation of Mexicans simply follows parental cues and bash blacks. Hey, youngsters: Love this country — love negritos. By the way, Say It Loud, stop using such antiquated terms as “Chicano” and “Hispanic.” They’re as relevant to the contemporary Mexican-American experience as a daguerreotype.

    Dear Mexican: I had never seen an uncircumcised penis before I saw one on a Mexican guy. I asked why he wasn’t circumcised, and he said it just isn’t done in Mexico. Oh, my God, the sex is so much better! Since being with this man, I’ve come to see the idiocy of circumcision in general. Why do Mexicans understand that cutting off part of a baby boy’s penis is crazy when our much more “civilized” American society thinks it is the best thing?

    White Girl in Love with Mexican Cock

     

    Dear Gabacha: Mexicans didn’t always leave their newborn boy’s pito intact. The 1968 book Medicine in Mexico — from Aztec Herbs to Betatrons says Mexico’s indigenous peoples practiced circumcision until the Spaniards arrived, at which point the uncut conquistadors “swiftly stamped out circumcision” in the Americas. “They themselves did not practice it,” author Gordon Schendel wrote, “and the Catholic clergy then condemned any attention paid to genitalia as a barbaric and sinful obsession with sex. As a consequence, circumcision is not the custom today in Mexico, or in other Latin American countries.” Mexico doesn’t keep numbers on the number of wang-whackings performed each year, but the United States does: In the 1997 article “Circumcision in the United States: Prevalence, Prophylactic Effects and Sexual Practice” Journal of the American Medical Association authors Edward O. Laumann, Christopher M. Masi and Ezra W. Zuckerman concluded that only 54 percent of Latinos in the United States sported a sheared schlong, as opposed to 81 percent of gabachos and 65 percent of negritos. So your Latin lover was partly correct: Mexicans do lop off their love snakes, but not as frequently as gabachos. But chula, your great sex with that uncircumcised Mexican owes less to the penis than to the Mexican attached to it.

    ¡ASK A MEXICAN! CONTEST! The Mexican is looking for pictures of the most stereotypical Mexican restaurant logos in the country to include in his upcoming book. If you’d like to see your picture in the libro, e-mail me below. The five best pictures will be included, and the winners will receive a free autographed copy of the book along with a lawn mowing of up to 200 square feet.

    Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at [email protected]. Those of you who do submit questions: they will be edited for clarity, cabrones. And include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we’ll make one up for you!

     

     

  • RFT readers reveal a genuine love-hate relationship with Kevin Slaten

    RFT readers reveal a genuine love-hate relationship with Kevin Slaten

    FEATURE, AUGUST 28, 2008

    Kevin Slaten: Words of Love and Hate

    Nasty note to the nasty man: Great story [“Kevin Slaten’s Head is About to Explode,” Kristen Hinman]! He is truly a piece of shit. When he has an unsupported article or opinion, he will simply talk over, yell at or cut off anyone who doesn’t agree with him. The man is a self-involved jerk who is incapable of having a rational, intelligent debate. It’s either his way or no way. I wish Steve Savard would beat him lifeless.
    Mike, St. Louis, via the Internet

    Simply put: Once a douche, always a douche.
    Adam, St. Louis, via the Internet

    CARRR-PAAAY DI-EM!: St. Louis should be thankful we have Kevin. He is the only one not afraid to tell it like it is. So what if he steps on someone’s toes? I, for one, cannot wait until he is back on the air. The problem is people in this town want someone who will stroke them and tell them we will win every game. Then when we lose tell them it’s OK, we’ll get ’em tomorrow. Bryan Burwell doesn’t like Kevin. We get it. I must say his show is great. Oh wait, he doesn’t have one. He, like Bernie, wouldn’t know objective journalism if it bit them in the balls. So carpe diem, and long live the king.
    Gary, Springfield, Missouri, via the Internet

    Don’t disagree with Kevin: I used to love to listen to him and Bob Ramsey. Bob could rein him in a bit. When he went solo, I liked to listen until a caller disagreed with him. It just pissed me off to hear Slaten turn the guy down and then just talk over him. He had all the control on his show. Life isn’t that way, and he’s finding that out again.
    Jim, St. Louis, via the Internet

    Keep Slaten silent: Kevin Slaten is the most overrated, untalented sports personality St. Louis sports has ever known. The best thing that could happen is if he never had another radio, print or television opportunity and started chasing ambulances.

    R.K. Johnson, Phoenix, Arizona, via the Internet

    Warning to KSLG: If anyone from KSLG reads this, please pass it along to your “higher-ups”: If Slaten is hired when he is available, I will no longer listen to your station. I am sure I’m not the only one.
    Mike, St. Louis, via the Internet

    But you can’t deny his talent: Sure he can be an ass, but it’s entertaining when an idiot calls in and Slaten tears him a new one. If you don’t like him, I would suggest finding a new AM station because Slaten is too big of a talent for 1380 not to hire him.
    Derek, St. Louis, via the Internet

    Jesus weighs in: This guy’s a Christian? Oh yeah, he’s Jewish, because it’s obvious he hasn’t read or comprehended the New Testament. What a hypocrite.
    Jesus, New York City, via the Internet

    Scum of the earth: That guy is a scumbag, no-talent shock jock. The only reason people listen to him is because folks love to hate. The world is a better place without having to listen to that loudmouthed, do-anything-for-ratings slimeball.
    Jacoby, Florissant, via the Internet

    He’s a standup guy: I have been a Kevin follower for many years. I am not a young woman, but I admire him for standing up for his belief of what he says. I listened to some of the jerks who have called his various shows, and they do not seem to know what they are talking about. I have always admired Kevin for telling people they are wrong when he thinks they don’t know what they are talking about. I admire him for being a truly devoted father and raising his son at the expense of his career. Not many fathers would do that. I have always thought Kevin was a good person and have heard him present himself as such. He loved his parents and that makes him great in my book. I hope to hear him on the air again. That is where he belongs. Great job, Kevin!
    Phyllis Stealey, House Springs, via the Internet

    Keep 1380 rant-free: Kevin is a childish brat. It is nice to be able to listen to KFNS now, and I, along with many other people I talk to, will certainly stop listening to 1380 if he goes there. People don’t want to hear a child rant on the air.
    Randy, St. Charles, via the Internet

    King of nothing: Overall, I can’t help but find it amusing that so much attention is paid to Slaten in particular and to his “peer group,” Bernie Miklasz, Tim McKernan, etc., in general. St. Louis is a shrinking market, and the radio percentage of that shrinking market owned by sports-talk is minor indeed. Whatever the differences among these personalities, they share one common trait: They just don’t matter that much. “The King” is the king of a minor monarchy indeed.
    Protzie, via the Internet

  • RFT readers are still in a tizzy over Kevin Slaten’s temper and whether MetroLink imports crime

    RFT readers are still in a tizzy over Kevin Slaten’s temper and whether MetroLink imports crime

    FEATURE, AUGUST 28, 2008

    Slaten Lives in the State of Denial

    Don’t deny it, Kevin: Good Lord. If only half of what Kristen Hinman wrote is correct (and I have no reason to doubt any of it), then this is a man with serious anger management issues (“Kevin Slaten’s Head is About to Explode,” Kristen Hinman). But of course, I knew that when he took a swing at that soccer player in the incident that she described. Mr. Slaten seems to be a man in serious denial of any mental issues that he obviously has. To paraphrase Bruno Bettelheim, denial is the easiest form of treatment, since if you don’t have to admit that you have a problem, then you don’t have to do anything to treat it. Mr. Slaten obviously would rather persist in a world of denial than seek the professional treatment that he obviously needs. One last thing, Kevin. Didn’t anyone ever tell you the old saying that it’s a very bad idea to pick fights with people that buy ink by the barrel?
    Ruschman 3x, St. Louis County, via the Internet

    CAFÉ, AUGUST 28, 2008

    Class Dismissed

    Confused critics spoil the broth: In his review, “Seriously Old School,” Ian Froeb demonstrates an inability to research, a failure of observation and a lack of food knowledge. The overly negative tones diminish the three eateries’ (more than) 40 successful years in the restaurant industry and thousands of pleased customers. In no place in Bartolino Osteria is there “white-walled elegance,” and if something as simple as the color is misconstrued, how can readers trust the judgment of the food itself? We are glad that the opinion was “upscale” because that was the goal, but at no time did we express ourselves as a “neighborhood joint.” Moreover, calling a family-owned restaurant steeped in tradition a “spiffed up Olive Garden” is deeply insulting.

    Since it is the job of the critic to describe the experience we cannot refute Ian Froeb’s opinion, but his use of al dente to describe an onion is clearly the wrong use of the word. Literally translated — “to the tooth” — the term applies to a level of cooking applied to pasta. Secondly, although it was possible that Froeb’s veal chop was “fatty and gristly,” it was very unlikely. We proudly serve choice meats, from the highest quality vendors in the industry, and any time the cut does not satisfy the customer we gladly prepare another. Lastly, we serve our pork dishes cooked medium; if a pork dish is served at medium rare or rare it will almost always be sent back by the guest as being “raw,” even in this day and age. This explains why the well-trained waiter did not ask how it should be cooked, much to the critic’s confusion. Our recipes convey our passion for good food and a tradition of giving generously, and our motto: “Cook good food and give plenty.”
    Michael Saracino, Saracino Family of Restaurants

    FEATURE, AUGUST 21, 2008

    On the Right Track

    Hats off to the fearless RFT: Chad Garrison’s article “Blood on the Tracks,” which dealt with crime and the MetroLink, generated much anger among those who view transit as pure, unadulterated good. Fortunately, the RFT employs people who understand that few things in life are pure — and who are willing to seek controversial answers to important questions like this. The serious street-level research which Mr. Garrison put into this piece lends it a level of credibility that is lacking in the responses we find elsewhere, which could have been copied from a quick Google search. As our region makes decisions on the expansion of the MetroLink system, many factors must be considered. Most important is the widely accepted fact that the vast majority of suburban residents will never become regular transit users, no matter how much you expand the system. The financial viability of an expanded, underused system must be considered. And as Mr. Garrison has pointed out, in some situations MetroLink may also serve as a conduit of crime. The public must make these decisions based on reality, not as viewed through the Post-Dispatch‘s rose-colored glasses or the blinders of civic progress. This article gives us yet another reason to be thankful for the fearlessly independent Riverfront Times.
    Nick Kasoff, Ferguson

    Fanning the flames of fear: There is no solid evidence for the idea that MetroLink is bringing crime to St. Louis County. Yes, shoplifting is way up at the Galleria, but it is way up in many places around the country. And it is still below the levels of the 1980s. There was a nasty incident recently in the Loop and two nasty incidents at MetroLink stations. Fine, but the MetroLink line, which runs to the Delmar Loop, has been in operation since 1993! During this period, the level of crime in the Loop and in the nearby Skinker-DeBaliviere neighborhood has plunged. Ask any resident of this area, and they will agree that they are far safer today than they were before MetroLink started running fifteen years ago.

    So why the terrifying cover, guys? Why the idiotic question in the headline (“Is MetroLink to blame?”), which your own article clearly answers in the negative? It seems to me that there is really only one news story here, and that is this: Once respectable alternative weekly, failing to increase its readership through pornographic stories about predatory middle-aged women, turns to cheap and empty scare tactics to gain public’s attention; a sad story indeed.
    Warren Rosenblum, St. Louis

  • Turn Down the Damn Trumpets!

    Turn Down the Damn Trumpets!

    Dear Mexican: I have no problem with immigrants. My grandparents were Dutch on one side and Irish on the other — but they came here legally, through Ellis Island. What I can’t stand are a bunch of fence-hopping, river-wading illegals telling me I owe them a free education, free healthcare, free transportation, and then making me speak Spanish at every restaurant, car wash and public school in the county. Making these people citizens simply because they’re here is like letting someone keep my car just because he already stole it.

    Angry Gabacho Goes Really Off


    Dear AGGRO: Breathe. Relax. Wake up and smell the tacos. Your letter contains enough inaccuracies, misrepresentations and logical fallacies to qualify as a quiz for high school rhetoric students. Primeramente, you begin by saying that immigrants don’t bother you, then switch courses by bashing illegal immigrants. It’s fine to distinguish between the two, but don’t offer qualifiers when arguing a point — they weaken your conclusion. Also, illegal immigrants aren’t demanding free anything — just amnesty for millions. But even if your assertion were true, you’re forgetting the libertarian concept of TINSTAAFL (an acronym for “There is no such thing as a free lunch” popularized by Nobel Prize laureate Milton Friedman). Taxpayers foot the costs of “free” social services, and Mexicans want to join those ranks; hence, it doesn’t follow that Mexicans seeking everything for gratis would rally for something that requires paying more for the right to live in this great land. Also, you didn’t specify which state you live in, but no Mexican “makes” anyone speak Spanish. Ever heard of free will? If you’re speaking bad español to get by, that’s your choice, chulo. Finally, your stolen-car analogy commits an informal fallacy — it doesn’t follow that a topic as complex as illegal immigration (driven by numerous economic, social and governmental factors) is the same as jacking a ranfla, which only involves a nominal knowledge of hot-wiring. Most important, AGGRO: Where’s my pinche question? Warning to all future submitters: Ask, don’t rant, lest I reward you with the logical smackdown.

    Dear Mexican: Just needed to know the reasoning behind the BLARING MARIACHI MUSIC AT 7 A.M. ON A SATURDAY MORNING. I am of Spanish descent (my father is Puerto Rican), and I wasn’t raised around such BLASTING ACCORDION MUSIC when growing up. Just to add to this, my father also was a professional musician and played Latino music. So, what is it with the Mexi-tunes? Are they trying to wake up, or wake others up?

    Boricua Baboso


    Dear Mexican: Why are Mexicans so damn rude and inconsiderate when it comes to blasting that horrible, bass-pounding circus music when at home or in their unlicensed, uninsured cars? They pound that crap at all hours, not caring who they disturb.

    Can’t Hear Myself Think


    Dear Boricua and Gabacho: Ustedes answered your questions without even knowing it. Boricua Baboso: The blaring in mariachi comes from trumpets, and have you ever heard one? The noise it makes ain’t exactly rustling leaves. Accordions used in conjunto norteño are similarly loud and high-pitched — even at its softest, a squeezebox screams with all the subtlety of a siren (apologies for the alliteration). Can’t Hear Myself Think: Although you didn’t specify what kind of Mexican music qualifies as “circus,” your reference to a heavy bass probably means you hate banda sinaloense, the brass band genre native to Sinaloa anchored by eardrum-exploding tubas. You can play these genres at the lowest possible levels, and their natural reverberations would still shudder through walls, cars and steel. Mexicans are used to the loudness, but not gabachos — with that knowledge in mind, every Banda El Recodo or Los Tigres del Norte track cranked up to Level 11 is payback for your white noise of talk-radio pendejos. And Lou Dobbs — can’t forget Lou Dobbs.

    SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION ALERT! Buy my book!

    Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at [email protected]. Those of you who do submit questions: they will be edited for clarity, cabrones. And include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we’ll make one up for you!



  • Ask a Mexican! And why do Mexican men get jealous when Mexican women date hombres of other races?

    Ask a Mexican! And why do Mexican men get jealous when Mexican women date hombres of other races?

    Dear Mexican: I see lots of Mexican-Americans struggling in grade school and high school. Many Mexican-American activists claim it’s because they don’t speak English at home or the schools don’t teach them well. But I see lots of Asian-Americans in the same schools who do really well. Many of them also don’t speak English at home. The last time I went to a hospital, it seemed like Asians were 30% of all the doctors. I didn’t see a single Latino one. Why is it that one group consistently does better than the other? I don’t understand.
    Clueless

    Dear Gabacho: Because Mexican students are stupid, while Asian students are geniuses — that’s what you and your ilk want to hear, right? This pregunta always busts me up, because no matter how many studies activists can offer examining the myths of model minorities and Mexican apathy toward academics — variables, educational background of parents, socioeconomic conditions of neighborhoods, the quality of schools blah, blah, blah — Know Nothings dismiss the facts. That’s not what they want to hear, and they don’t even care about solutions to the education gap. So I’ll just say it again to please ustedes: Mexican students are stupid, Asian students are geniuses. Happy? Of course you are! However, just because you wish something to be verdad doesn’t make it so — and if you don’t believe me, go see what happened to Mitt Romney’s dream of Mexicans self-deporting.

    Dear Mexican: Far too many Mexicans REFUSE going to the trouble of learning English. They often speak Spanish annoyingly loud in public. Sometimes, the KIDS speak better English than their PARENTS! And, if they don’t understand you, they just smile and say, “No, si, no.” What is that crap anyway! How about learning enough of our language to say, “I’m as proudly Mexican as you are American. Screw you, muchacho!” While this would be totally obnoxious, at least it’d be more HONEST than “No, si, no.”
    Willy the White Writer

    Dear Gabacho: Of course the kids speak better English than their parents — the kids are Americans, while the parents are Mexicans. And those Mexicans are muy honest with you — or do you not hear them mutter “Chinga tu madre, pinche gabacho feo apestoso” under their breath?

    Dear Mexican: My boyfriend is Mexican, and I am a gabacha. Whenever my boyfriend sees a Mexican girl with someone of a different race, he gets disgusted and mad (especially when he sees them with black guys.) I’ve pointed out to him that he seems a bit hypocritical, since he’s with a white girl as well — but he says that he makes an exception for me. Do all Mexicans feel this way, or is my boyfriend pinche loco?
    Lover of Verga

    Dear Cock-Loving Gabacha: Of course your guy is pinche loco — but so are all men of color. Hombres complaining that their raza’s women are dickmatized by gabachos while boasting about nailing gabachas is a trope as old as gabachos fearful that oversexed bucks and banditos were taking too many of their women. That said, I’m not going to dismiss the anti-negrito sentiment that still dominates the Mexican mind, especially when said negrito is dating a mexicana. Raza: We gotta drop anti-black thoughts from our community the same way we ditched Carlos Mencia.

    Ask the Mexican at [email protected], be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!

  • Ask a Mexican: Why do whites tan if they hate brown people so much?

    Ask a Mexican: Why do whites tan if they hate brown people so much?

    Dear Mexican: If dark-skinned people are so “undesirable,” unwelcome and put down by you gringos, how come you bake in the sun like zopilotes to get dark? Summer is fantasy time for all of you, when you can actually get some color in that white skin of yours. Maybe the whole deal about racists is that they hate being white. I would too! Maybe white angry males are actually latent homosexuals attracted to dark-skinned men! I know for a fact, that white women at one point or another fantasize about a dark man, and that many more actually convert that fantasy into reality with guys like me. Who wants to go to bed with a pale guy? I don’t think being brown or black is bad after all. Comments?
    Tall, Handsome, and Dark

    Dear Wab: You won’t hear any arguments from me about this, but since I’m not versed in the gabacho ways, I threw the question to the Mexican’s Mexican, William Nericcio of San Diego State and the scabrous Tex(t)-Mex: Seductive Hallucinations of the “Mexican” In America. In addition to dissecting the semiotics of Mexican imagery, Profe Nericcio also has insight into the American obsession with image (check out his upcoming Eyegiene: Permutations of Subjectivity in the Televisual Age of Sex and Race). Take it, Nericcio!

    “This is the age-old sexual conundrum that is actually easy to explain — we all covet something ‘strange’ from time to time; or, to use other words, the ‘exotic’ is erotic, the other beckons with an erotic electricity that can be blinding and impossible to overcome. Let’s pause here a second and throw racism and sexuality into the proverbial conceptual blender: racism is an extension of sex when you think about it — the racist’s hate of the visually different other stems from an anxiety (at the level of DNA) for ‘the same.’  The tribal backstory of homo sapiens evolution (whether or not you buy into the frisky intersexual intrigues that just had to be going down with Neanderthals) is a tale of a species that ‘feels safe’ when making the beast with two backs within the tribe, but that benefits in terms of evolution when philandering outside the tribe.  Evolutionary anthropologists call this exogamy — basically the species (or the tribe) thrives when you stop sleeping with your familia, second-cousin lovers be damned! 

    “So enjoy all the love you’re getting and sharing with pale chicas lusting after your swarthy goodness. While you might feel muy guapo with all the attention, know also that these melatonin-challenged mujeres are merely following basic laws of attraction that owe more to Darwin than your own inner-Papi-chulo!”

    Dear Mexican: I read your column some time ago about why Mexicans go swimming in their undershirts. But I think you missed something. All us Mexican guys are terribly un-tanned. Lift up my sleeve, and it looks like someone dipped my arm in the deep fryer, at least after the shirt ends. How do I fix this?
    Prieto but Not That Prieto

    Dear Dark but Not That Dark Wab: You want to be darker? Um, okay, but the Mexican always loves to shock gabacho audiences by rolling up his sleeves to show a natural skin color even lighter than their lace-curtain Irish auntie. Besides, there’s no better way to get into a gabacha’s chonis is by asking them if they want to see your naturally tanned verga…or not.

    ¡ASK A MEXICAN! VIDEOS ARE BACK!: Gentle cabrones: after a years-long hiatus, I’ve relaunched the video version of this columna. Follow my weekly rants on Twitter by clicking the hashtag #askamexican and ask away. Enjoy!

    Ask the Mexican at [email protected], be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!