There are some things that you can count on in life, and one of those things is that every week without fail, someone on social media dons a cape they made themselves to “call out” parasocial behavior. That they will do so with the moral subtlety of a cat puking on the bed at 3AM is another thing you can count on. Social media lured us all in with the promise of connection without ever having to leave our homes, but those spaces have turned emotional attachment into something to be ashamed of — as if liking a creator (who is specifically showing up hoping to be liked) makes you a danger to society. Have people really decided that cyberstalking is the hot new hobby, or do we all just collectively need a lesson in media literacy — and what does and does not constitute harmful behavior?
To really understand what we’re seeing with all of the “call-out” behavior, we need to have a basic understanding of what parasocial relationships are and how they work. Parasocial relationships are one-sided relationships where one person feels emotionally connected to a public figure or fictional character. Given that the careers of “content creator” and “influencer” didn’t exist a decade ago and are now viable career-day presentations for parents, it’s not an overstatement to say that more of the population than ever before is finding themselves in parasocial relationships online — intentionally or not. If you’ve ever screamed when your favorite creator posts a banger? Congratulations! You’re in a parasocial relationship. Creators go into content creation expecting some level of parasocial engagement because that is literally how fandom works — and how they make their money.
Along with creators showing up online to do their thing, there are also the scrollers who are showing up 24/7 to consume the content they’re putting out. Where there are groups of people that gather, there are people trying to prove they’re somehow superior to those around them. With creators, that shows up in the form of people attempting to police the feelings of others through self-righteous posts that equate parasocial feelings with some kind of moral failure. These posts almost always have an air of “I’m better than you because I feel nothing,” followed by discussions that are more social signaling than actually protecting anyone. These call-outs gum up the works because they’re confusing what is normal emotional investment in a creator whose work is being consumed and appreciated with stalking behavior that is actually dangerous and needs to be reined in. When social posturing equates perfectly normal and rational feelings with behavior that puts people at risk, it becomes much harder to identify the real problems that need to be dealt with. Call-out posts rarely change behavior and generally just function as a public signpost that allows the poster to say, “I, unlike you plebeians, would never catch feelings for a public figure.”
Let’s make things crystal clear so we can get rid of some of the confusion over what is problematic and what is absolutely freaking normal. Parasocial relationships are emotional attachment without real-world intrusion — none harm done. Stalking is obsessive and persistent, boundary-violating behavior that puts people at risk and often results in violence — big bad, much harm done. When you feel a little happy pitter-patter in your heart when your favorite VA shares a new audio? Parasocial. Totally fine. When you track down their home address so you can send them handwritten letters detailing what you’d like to do to them? Stalking. Not okay. Stalking is almost always part of a broader mental health or behavioral pattern that requires actual intervention with licensed professionals. Angry comment sections? Not gonna do shit to solve that problem. Creators across platforms and genres all attract stalkers — that’s just an unfortunate reality of living in the world we do. But the fact that stalkers happen doesn’t mean that every fan who feels feelings is dangerous and needs to receive a public finger-wag.
To me — a writer who is chronically online for work — the real issue at the heart of the matter is that we collectively suck at media literacy. Online discourse doesn’t allow for basic nuance, and a thing is either good or bad; there is no middle ground. Pfffffffft to that. Pffffft, I say! People don’t know how to separate an emotional response they witness in comment form from harmful actions that happen offline. Apparently, we’ve decided that the correct level of attachment is zero, which isn’t at all realistic unless you’re planning to cease all media consumption altogether. The actual solution for feelings online? Not shaming people for the way they feel, but instead teaching them how to contextualize those feelings and recognize boundaries. And one of the boundaries that needs to be crystal fucking clear is that it’s not your job to schoolmarm everyone who expresses feelings of attraction for a creator who is showing up to quite literally arouse their audience. We get it. You don’t experience sexual attraction. I’d congratulate you on making the Puritans proud, but pride was a no-no for them — so it turns out you owe them an apology too.
For those of us who care about being smart media consumers — and let’s be honest here, you should care — here are a few ways you can be more intentional about consuming media and handling the fee-fees that pop up when you do:
Parasocial relationships aren’t the enemy. Ignorance is. And yelling at people online to stop feeling feelings isn’t going to solve anything. Learning how to engage with media while thinking critically so you don’t lose the plot? That’s the good stuff right there.
