We called Ryan James, sales manager at Affton Lawn Equipment, for a cutting-edge report.
Unreal: Would you be so kind as to give us your Lawn-Mowing for Dummies tutorial?
Ryan James: When it's springtime and the grass is new and nice and green, it's smart to mulch. During summer when it's hot, dry, and there's a drought, your best bet is to bag.
Bag? What bag?
You're just messing with me, aren't you?
No! We have no idea what bagging is.
The mowers now are three-in-one: mulch it, bag it or side-discharge it. Around here bagging is best. Though it depends what kind of mood you're in.
Hmm. Would you say certain mowers attract certain kinds of people?
Yes indeed.
How about men versus women?
A woman's best bet — if you don't want to do an electric start — we have a Lawn-Boy. [Pause] It's the name of a mower.
Sounds like our kind of mower!
Yeah, it has a Honda engine on it. We only sell quality stuff, unlike Home Depot or Lowe's, where you bought a guaranteed piece of junk. We're full-service. We even have a pickup service in the winter where we come to you.
Oh!
I know — it's enticing.
Is there a happy ending?
Of course. Always.
The AAOS says "thousands of Americans suffer deep cuts and lacerations, sprains and strains, fractures, and even loss of fingers and toes due to the improper use of a lawn mower each year." It sounds like they're giving your business a very bad name.
[Laughs] Well, people are gonna mow their lawn no matter what.
So, what kinds of injuries have you seen?
I haven't seen any. Even our mechanics here — no one's seen any. But I'm sure it happens.
Maybe we should have called the hospital, although it was fun talking to you.
Yeah, it was a blast.
You sound sarcastic.
Nah. We're not that busy today. I don't mind.
Bet on It
Most of the swag that comes our way at this dump is utterly useless. So when a flack from the Chicago Review Press asked whether we'd be interested in a copy of Horseplayers: Life at the Track, newly released in paperback, Unreal champed at the bit (as it were). After reading the book — which we highly recommend — we got author Ted McClelland on the blower and asked the Chicagoan who he likes in this Saturday's Kentucky Derby.
Unreal: How much did you lose while researching the book?
Ted McClelland: Gosh, I didn't even keep track. Could have been about $4,000 or $5,000 over the course of the year.
What's the most you've ever bet on a single race?
It was a Pick Six bet on the Breeders' Cup. I spent $2,000 and I was out after the first race. But that wasn't a single race. Most I ever bet on a single race was about $250 — but I won. I basically bought out the trifecta, bought all the likely combinations. And it came in for $1,400.
Why do horseplayers have lousy hygiene?
I didn't know that many who had bad hygiene. They had bad wardrobes, though. I think of a horseplayer as someone who'll bet $200 on a race but won't spend $20 on a pair of pants.
You kinda take a swipe at our home track, Fairmount Park—
Oh, no! I love that old-fashioned atmosphere. It's a place where people are coming for the horse racing, you know — they don't have to be lured in by slot machines or petting zoos or giveaways. Everybody's there to gamble: No distractions. Do they still have the bars over the betting windows? That was one of my favorite touches. Did you think I came down hard?
Well, you write: "Evidently, Collinsville nightlife was so threadbare that Fairmount qualified as a wholesome date."
Is that true or not?
We've never thought "wholesome" and "Fairmount Park" belong in the same sentence. Do you still play the horses?
Oh yeah. But I don't play them as intently as I used to. You either have to go all-out at this or you probably shouldn't be betting much money at all. I figured out that it's possible to win, but I also figured out that it's not worth the money that the effort is gonna get you.
We have a horse. You've probably heard of him. His name is River Front Times....
No, I haven't heard of him. Where's he run?
At Fairmount!
Oh, that's why I haven't heard of him. I don't know how they get away with this, but the Chicago tracks don't [regularly] simulcast Fairmount Park.
Triple Crown or Breeders' Cup?
Triple Crown.
Cubs or White Sox?
Detroit Tigers.
If you had $100 of our money to bet on the Kentucky Derby, how would you play it?
You missed the best investment: I've got Scat Daddy in Derby Pool 1 at 44-1 and Circular Quay at 12-1.
Commontary™
This week's Commontary(tm) comes from Tom L. Sanders of Kirksville, who's having trouble warming up to KSDK-TV (Channel 5)'s coverage of the St. Louis Cardinals. Take it away, Tom!
There are so many things wrong with Channel 5's game coverage that it's tough to pick out just one thing to bitch about. The two biggest holes in the lineup are a geriatric golf commentator who doesn't have the chops to keep up with a sport that requires more than a comment every five minutes and a news anchor with a deer-in-the-headlights bobblehead stuck on top of a fiftysomething turkey neck.
Oh hell, I can't stand it anymore — I'll pick one.
Deanne Lane.
OK, Dee. Anne. Lane.
Deanne Lane?
Are you fucking kidding me?
Rennie: [Positive intelligent comment]
Deanne: [Nod, smile] "Yeah."
Rennie: [Negative intelligent comment]
Deanne: [Head shake, frown] "Yeah."
Deanne: Let's send it back to the team....
Where's a bicycle helmet with a chin strap when you need it? She's useless.
Where the hell is Katie Felts? Sure, she has to do weekend sports, but can't she pull double duty? I'm pretty sure that she'd probably have something more intelligent to add than Lane's mindless warbling. Not to mention the fact that Katie Felts is chubby-inspiring as opposed to Lane, who looks like she should be sitting on a porch somewhere knitting a sweater for her cat. OK, maybe that's not a real reason, but I like it anyway.
When's the last time one of the networks stuck one of their anchors on a sports show? I can only imagine dropping somebody like Katie Couric next to Joe Buck so he could mercilessly backhand her with sarcasm for being a waste of space, "OK folks, while Katie breaks out her rule book to figure out what 'offside' means, the rest of us are going to talk about the playoffs...."
This could only happen on Channel 5, where they actually believe that being "First in St. Louis. First in color. First in HD" is a legitimate, compelling reason to watch their sorry-ass station. Nothing like using nostalgia and bragging about yesterday's technology that everybody else has to drive ratings.
Note to Rick Horton: Those high camera angles are really killing the effectiveness of that continent-size, wispy comb-over you're sporting. Grow some sack and cut that mess.
Ever get the urge to jump up and ____ this damn town? Tell Unreal about it! [email protected].
