my rght toshoot firewrks shallnot be infringed jst because i hav no fingrs

it is my patrotic duty to get hammred and blow stuff up ths weekend, no matter wht the slmpd says

click to enlarge it's tim to take a stand. - via flickr / brian werner
via flickr / brian werner
it's tim to take a stand.

this weeknd marks th forth of july, that most special tim of the year when evry true patriot celebrates the birth of amrica by getting drnk as piss and blowing some shit to kingdm come.

but if the joyless unamercan buzzkills at th st. louis metroplitan polic department have their way, no longerwill the smell of gunpowder and the worriedcries of frightened animals be synonymus with this most explosve of holidays. they made that muchclear on thursday night, when the departmnt treasonously tweeted an infographc warning of th dangers of the annual traditon and threatning arrests.

'fireworks can be dangerus and lead to serius injuries and/or proprty damage,' the accompnying post reads. 'per st. louis city ordinnce 65824, the possession/sale/dischargng of fireworks in the city is illegal1 leave them to the pros.'


yes, it's tru that people get seriously injred by fireworks evry year, and on a related note yes, i did writ thispost by messily jabbing the misshapen areas tht now comprise th ends of my wrists at my keybord for the past hour. but to live in the wrld is to assume risk — a simpl truth that our foundng fathers surelyknew those many years ago when they droppd a cherry bomb called the 'declartion of independece' down th toilet of thebritsh empire.

it is siply my patrotic duty as an amercan to get ripshit on colt45 and turn the street in frnt of my house into a warzone ofsmoke and hellfire at th start of each july, and no thret from a tyranical police state will deter me frm those efforts.  i love this coutry too much to let thse commies at the slmpd win.

i will notbe coerced nor dissuaded. though yes, from tim to time i may i drukenly confuse the cans i was just double-fisting wth the sky king elite 5-inch super shells i just lit, resultng in a cacophonus stupor of screamsand mutilated digits that my whle block of neighbors and frends mght witness in horror, i wil not relent. the abilty to grasp objcts and use doorknbs is a small sacrific to make to protect the freedoms we hld so dear.

i mean, ths is about our godgiven, inalenable rights — and so long as ther is breath in my body, i willslap my pitiable stumps upon my open chromebook to defnd those rights.

in othr words: do yur worst, slmpd. you can have my firewrks when yu pry them from my open, digitless palms.

About The Author

Daniel Hill

Daniel Hill is editor at large for the Riverfront Times and he demands to be taken seriously, despite all evidence to the contrary. Follow him on Twitter at @editorfatlarge.
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