MONDAY, MARCH 27 Three children and three adults are dead in Nashville after yet another horrible school shooting. Never mind that authorities are only beginning to dig into the shooters’ manifesto; Josh Hawley knows what happened — it’s a hate crime targeting Christians! Meanwhile, the writers over at Deadspin are in awe of St. Louis’ new MLS team. “City SC have started the year 5-0-0, are atop the Western Conference, have the best goal difference in the league, and have already collected just shy of a third of the points they’ll probably need to get to the playoffs in their inaugural season with only 15 percent of the season gone. So who the fuck are these guys?” Yo Deadspin: We’re St. Fucking Louis!
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 29 In Rome, Pope Francis is in the hospital. Maybe we could send him St. Louis’ newly acquired Holy Toe (™)? In Jefferson City, Democrats filibuster a bill to make it harder to change Missouri’s constitution. It’s time well spent: Everybody knows the only way to enshrine Democratic values into law in this state is to put them on the ballot separate from all partisan affiliation.
THURSDAY, MARCH 30 It’s really and truly spring now — and it’s glorious. The trees are budding, the sun is shining … just in time for the Cardinals to lose 10-9 to Toronto. Unrelatedly, the Post-Dispatch says more people are leaving the region. The metro area is now down to 2.8 million, and the city of St. Louis is now smaller than Henderson, Nevada, and Wichita, Kansas. (Who?) Will the last one to go turn off the light? Meanwhile in New York, a failed real estate developer has been indicted for business fraud. Is it bad we’re more riveted by Gwyneth Paltrow’s legal travails? Today we learned she’s not at fault, naturally. Gwyneth is never at fault.
FRIDAY, MARCH 31 The predictions got ever more terrifying — hail the size of baseballs! Gale-force winds! Tornadoes! Somehow, St. Louis again avoids the worst of the carnage, even as a twister touches down in Little Rock and 32 are left dead throughout the South and Midwest. Once again, we thank the Arch for sparing us from destruction.
SATURDAY, APRIL 1 Soulard pizzeria Pizzeoli is now Pete’s Aioli, the Battlehawks are taking their talents to Inglewood, the Chicago Bean has moved atop our own Gateway Arch and Imo’s is now selling a pizza solely composed of “crunchy corners” — April Fools'! (Really, brands, is this tomfoolery actually worth your time?) In real life, all good things come to an end, and so it is for both the weather (brutally cold winds whip across the region) and our expansion team (CITY SC falls 1-0 to Minnesota). Boo.
SUNDAY, APRIL 2 All of yesterday’s sadness is forgotten as the Battlehawks win, 24-15, in Houston. Spring is back — sunshine and warmth fill the air, but not too much warmth: It’s perfect marathon-running weather, and the dedicated nutjobs who run 26.2 miles for fun are at it again as we lazy slobs wave, hungover, from our front stoops. More good news: Pope Francis makes a remarkable recovery! Christians around the world wave palm branches in the streets, preparing to reenact their journey from praising Jesus to agitating for his death within one brief week. A further reminder (as if you needed it) that humans suck.
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