'Tis the Season When Horny Emo Deer Try to Kill Themselves With Your Car

Oct 31, 2018 at 6:38 am

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thriol / Flickr

Look at her. She totally listens to the Smiths.

As if you needed another reason to stay the fuck off your phone while you’re driving, you asshole, it’s officially the time of the year when you must watch out for suicidal deer that are keen to take you with them to the big berry garden in the sky.

A sober warning from the the Missouri Department of Insurance, Financial Institutions & Professional Registration this week says that October through December is when deer are most active ... apparently because it’s when they’re out roaming through the woods and looking to hump. It might take them until their third cocktail to make a move, but those twitterpated horndogs will be out there twitching their tails until they get thumpered.

It’s also the time of year that many herds migrate, and for some reason they like to do that right across our roadways. The nerve! We think they’re out there trying to get hit. Why else would they just run in front of your car and stand there? It’s a murder-suicide and those deer are trying to homicide you, no doubt.

How else to explain the over 4,000 deer involved collisions in Missouri last year? Sometimes you don’t even hit them; they just hit you. Your own reporter once had a kamikaze deer run full speed into the side of her SUV, leaving a massive dent and a stench that won’t soon be forgotten. It’s unclear what happened to the big-antler’d homie because he smashed and then disappeared, just like his male human counterparts are known to do.

Don’t want to become a victim of these violently suicidal creatures? The MO DIFP has some suggestions. First of all, emo deer travel in herds, so if you see one eyeliner-wearing deer who looks like he cries to Pinkerton, keep an eye out for more. Also be alert during dawn and dusk: that’s when horny deer are sneaking in and out of their parents' houses. And use your high beams whenever possible. Nothing kills the mood like some harsh lighting.

For more tips on where to find (and how to avoid) these slutty, depressed, rage-filled creatures, check out the state's full list of tips here.

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