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  • Brooke Phillips: The Life and Death of an HBO Hooker

    Brooke Phillips: The Life and Death of an HBO Hooker

    She was identified on the coroner’s slab by the tattoos: the wind-up angel on her shoulder, a woman resting on a flower across her abdomen, some Japanese kanji across her wrist. A purple tank top and jeans were mostly intact, reeking of petroleum.

    Her aunt gazed at the body covered in burns and perforated by gunshot and stab wounds. Yes, that was her niece. That was Brooke Alisha Phillips.

    Moore, Pryor, Salina. The small towns of Oklahoma orbit the bigger cities like Tulsa and Oklahoma City, which exert a gravitational pull on the bored and restless. Some begin to burrow underground, slipping into the twilight culture of the state, its 5,000 gang members and rampant narcotics trade greasing the wheels.

    Brooke was born July 27, 1987, in Moore, to Greta Halfmoon, and Greta was familiar with the twilight hours. A drug addict, she unsuccessfully fought a court order for her fourteen-year-old daughter to be placed in the foster care of Brooke’s two aunts. Brooke became pregnant at sixteen, dismissed the father of dubious worth, and set about getting both her GED and a Certified Nurse’s Assistant degree, all while working full-time.

    She would later tell Tyra Banks, the shrill talk-show host, that the schedule had led to such profound exhaustion that she was in danger of losing the baby. The child made it and stayed with a friend while Brooke took the bus back and forth to work. She scraped by, looked back at her own tumultuous childhood, and decided that both she and her child deserved more than the meager paycheck provided by cleaning bedpans.

    At eighteen, Brooke started working at Night Trips, a strip club in Oklahoma City. As these places go, it was upscale: clean, white-collar clientele, with few fights or rowdy behavior. Brooke was attractive — a petite 5’5″, short dark hair framing a pleasant face. She could dance, but her real talent was conversation. The first part of her shift was devoted to sitting with customers and talking to them, laughing at their jokes, frowning when they complained about work or wives.

    They bought drinks and tipped her. Later, she would get on stage and dance for more tips. On a good night, she would see $1,000. Brooke — known as Hayden Brooks in the business — had everyone’s attention when on the phallic stripper’s pole, which she would envelop like a snake.

    When business seemed to ebb, she’d hit another other club in the area. Once, she offered up a fake ID to get a job at Cover Girls, a place that couldn’t hire anyone under 21 due to an arcane law involving the bar not being roped off from the stage. When the manager confronted her about it, asking why he should hire a liar, she shrugged.

    “I worked at Night Trips and I’m cute,” she said, and got the job. Two years prior, her mother had been on the same stage, dancing to feed her methamphetamine addiction.

    She walked into Bosco’s one day, a club where she could be a new face. She chatted with a few of the girls, auditing her chances of making money. One pointed to Lewis, a fifty-something regular known as “the cute older guy” who talked to the women like women and not masturbatory objects. She sat down next to him.

    “What do you think?” she asked. “Should I work here?”

    “You’ll make all the money, and all the girls will hate you,” Lewis said, and that sounded just fine to her.

    Lewis — not his real name — is an engineer and fancies himself something of a stripper anthropologist, coming into the clubs to drink and tell jokes and make small talk with the girls when they need a break from the customers. He’s dated one and befriended many more. One, Montana, had two sisters; all of them danced.

    Brooke would strip, flirt, pretend to find men desirable, then come sit with Lewis and drop the facade. She’d tell him how she needed new shoes, or that she had hurt her ankle, or that she just got an iPhone and needed lessons on how to use it. Sometimes she would ask for tips, and Lewis would shake his head.

    “I’m not a customer,” he’d say. “You’ve got enough of those. I’m your friend.” It seemed like she needed one, he thought. Maybe she thought so, too, since she kept coming to his table.

    “She put on a tough front,” Lewis says, “but she was just lost.”

    Bosco’s ended up burning down, so Brooke went to Double Ds Saloon, where the women were expected to be exceptionally well-endowed. Brooke wasn’t, but she made money anyway. Lewis went there, too, and watched Brooke drink and steal glances at the clock until it was time to go home. She would be warm and inviting to the customers, pretend she was interested, sell them on the possibility of something they would never have.

    He would sometimes see her with rough-looking types, men who flashed wads of cash and had nocturnal lifestyles. One, Jose Fierro, struck up a friendship and employed her for bachelor parties he organized. The day they met would be a seminal one, but no one would understand that until much later.

    One of Brooke’s boyfriends told her about one of his exes, Shelly Duschel. Shelly was a dancer, too, but then she went to Mound House, Nevada, to work at the Moonlite BunnyRanch.

    Prostitution was legal there, the girls got tested weekly, and there was no chance that police would kick in the door. And surely Brooke saw Cathouse, the HBO series-slash-recruiting tool documenting the sorority-style hedonism of the Ranch and the patriarchal embrace of Dennis “Daddy” Hof, the P.T. Barnum of pimps. One episode drew 1.5 million viewers. The girls loved sex and loved lots of cash, and, really, what could be better than that?

    “I’m going to try something new,” she told Lewis one day. “I can make a lot of money.”

    Lewis shook his head. “You have more to offer than that.”

    “I know I do,” Brooke said. “But the only thing anyone wants is this,” and pointed underneath the table.

    Shelly Duschel remembers Brooke coming to the Ranch in early 2008. Freckled, brunette, a few pounds from Hof’s ideal, she introduced herself to Shelly and they talked about Moore and Popeye’s chicken and the numbing inertia of Oklahoma. Brooke had submitted a video of herself pole-dancing, which attracted the attention of the front office. Thanks to HBO, they could receive upwards of 1,000 applications a month.

    Like all the girls, she was picked up from the airport and driven directly to the brothel, located at the inevitable address of 69 Moonlight Road. A doctor tested her for syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia and HIV. She was given a “Bunny Bible,” a written code of working-girl conduct (don’t discuss children or boyfriends) and a “mentor” who assisted in her first few negotiations.

    Ranch workers are not unlike firefighters: They sit around in the windowless property and kill time until a buzzer goes off, at which point they stop whatever they’re doing — including sleeping — and line up for whomever just walked through the door. The customer picks the woman he likes best, and she has ten minutes to get him into a room and begin selling him on various sexual services from a menu. If she can’t, he’s turned loose for someone else to try and close. It was not unlike speed dating, Shelly recalls, only with a guarantee of a climax.

    Brooke was a closer; she had experience chatting up men, making them feel special. Most workers average four to ten partners per week. If they’re popular, $15,000 for a three-week stint (four or five days a week, twelve-hour shifts) is not unreasonable, though the house takes a 50 percent cut.

    When an escort closes a sale, she goes to an office and writes down the services to be performed, along with the agreed-upon price. The office hands her a fresh set of sheets. She inspects the customer’s genitalia with a flashlight for any breakouts. Sometimes it’s over quickly; sometimes the men just want to talk. Sometimes you hit a high roller: Brooke once made $20,000 for an overnight party.

    No drugs are allowed on the premises, but no drugs are allowed in baseball, either. Mostly, the girls drink. “You had to be in a different place mentally,” Duschel explains. “Girls drink in order to do the job.”

    Once, on a slow winter night, Brooke drank to excess and had to be carried to her modest room, the kind reserved for the new and unproven. Eyes glazed over, she stared at Duschel and pulled her close.

    “I want you inside of me,” she said, too cotton-headed to process the gender of the person in front of her.

    “Honey,” Duschel said,” I don’t have a penis.”

    The next morning, Duschel told Brooke about it. Brooke laughed. She had been too drunk to remember.

    Duschel left the Ranch in early 2009 but returned to visit. Brooke, tired but happy to see her friend, came out to greet her wearing a kimono; she had an interest in Asian culture, watching anime and reading manga in her free time. She was blonde now, and thinner, better tailored to Hof’s preferences. She had slept with the boss, as many do, and had been an escort for promotional duties like the Tyra show. Her room had been upgraded to one for the better earners: She had a private bathroom and a fireplace. They talked about Duschel’s pregnancy and her marriage.

    “She looked beautiful,” Duschel remembers. “Beautiful and troubled. Like all of them.”

    In late summer 2009, Brooke told management that she was pregnant with her second child. “She didn’t seem to care who the father was,” Hof says, claiming that Brooke had initially approached him with an offer to essentially be a sperm donor. They never pursued it.

    There had always been boyfriends, none of whom seemed to stick around long. “It’s impossible to have a normal relationship,” Duschel says of adult entertainers. “You begin to believe you only deserve another damaged soul.” Maybe, Duschel thought, Brooke got too drunk with a customer one night and forgot to use a condom.

    She intended to return to Oklahoma to have the baby, then resume work in Nevada. She had appeared only briefly in one episode of Cathouse, masturbating while two other women watched, and hoped to get more screen time in the next season. Hof promised her a baby shower when she returned.

    According to Air Force Amy, a popular Ranch attraction, Brooke could’ve stayed and earned money from men who “love lactation.” While that notion didn’t entice her, she did promote an auction for her “anal virginity,” which she hoped would invite attention. Law school was on the table, too, but few women in the business can ever escape the stigma for mainstream careers.

    Lewis saw her for the last time at lunch, just before her final trek to Nevada. He repeated his concerns.

    “I’m fine,” she said. “I’m safer than if I were home.” He walked her to her car, hugged her, and told her to be careful.

    Less than a month later, she was back in Moore and phoning Fierro looking for cocaine, the damaged girl coming to the surface. He drove her to 1511 SW 56th Street, where drugs and guns and bad feelings left her a witness to a murder. Fierro escaped. Brooke fought for two lives and lost both of them.

    On the coroner’s slab, Brooke’s tattoos told another story. The wind-up angel was impaled with a pin. The kanji on her right wrist was mirrored by a bloody slash across her left. The woman at peace in a flower had been retouched during her stay at the Ranch; she used to be bound and helpless.

    Brooke was cremated, the twilight culture of Oklahoma never skipping a beat. Her mother was arrested in a Tulsa Walmart in 2011 for trying to make methamphetamine inside the store, the fumes peeling paint off the walls. A scavenger went through her trash, saw the brothel’s time cards and phoned its front office, offering to sell photos and other discarded belongings. A friend went to the Ranch bearing a tattoo of Brooke, but stayed only briefly. “She just wasn’t very good,” Hof says wistfully.

    He installed a plaque dedicating their stripper pole to Brooke. Sometimes the new girls nervously ask if someone died on the premises. Of course not, Hof tells them. No one died here.

    One day, Lewis walked into a club and saw his friend Montana on stage with her of-age daughter, showing her moves on the pole. “She wants to do this,” Montana told him, “so I figured I’d show her how it’s done.”

    “She had no clothes on,” Lewis remembers. “Eight years ago, she called me ‘Uncle.’”

  • RFT readers reveal their own naked truths about Alton, Illinois

    FEATURE, DECEMBER 11, 2008

    In For A Nipple

    A boobie lover reflects: I’ve been a patron in those Alton bars for years, and yes, I’ve seen a fair amount of nudity [“Alton Confidential,” Chad Garrison]. Sure, as a man, I sometimes enjoy a nice set of boobies with my beer. Most make me smile, and some have made me have to force a smile. One line I remember from some drunken dude was, “Damn! Looks like golf balls hanging in a sock!” Of course, the bartender didn’t appreciate that very much. But what kills me is that some people actually go to these places, knowing what goes on there, just so they can see it. Then they go snitching to the authorities. With all of the murderers, crack- heads and car thieves running around Alton, the police aren’t really interested in fighting the evil threat to society that bare mammary glands cause. Used to be, the only girls who worked in these places were former strippers from the east side. Battle-hardened, drug-addicted hooker types whom no one else would employ. It was hard to feel sorry for them. But nowadays, I’m seeing something different. I’m seeing young single mothers, freshly divorced, who normally wouldn’t be caught dead in these types of places. I’m seeing young single women who don’t make near as much money on their day jobs, so they have to moonlight just to feed their kids.
    Ben There, Alton, via the Internet

    Beauty amid the beasts: I am an Alton-area native. I went to the Pub Room about a week before the shit went down in September. After viewing a horrible excuse for a vagina from the skanky bar maid, she got pissed and called me uppity when I requested to not drink from their glasses. This article needed to be written. Alton has many shortcomings, and many natives — including myself — find humor in them. The city is beautiful in its own right and has many great establishments that are trying to better the city. I encourage people to check out the many hidden treasures Alton has to offer.
    Travis, via the Internet

    Damn, we forgot to visit the churches: I’m not sure why there’s an issue about women showing their tits. Besides dive bars, there are plenty of churches you hypocrites can frequent. While I do live in Alton, I am not a fan of the city. I also realize that cigarette smoking and amusement devices can be found all over the area, and not just at the Pub Room. And the reason for Mr. Garrison to hone in on bars in Alton is beyond me.
    John Olson, Alton, via the Internet

    STLOG, DECEMBER 11, 2008

    Street Talk

    Let Delmar stay Delmar: Delmar is a historic name, and then to change it to some corrupt Chicago politician’s name, who may or may not change our country, is bullshit [“Green Light for Obama Boulevard,” Ellis E. Conklin]. Let’s wait until he does something other than make speeches and say what he will do, and see if he does it before we dedicate a street to him. Let’s not get too hasty, St. Louis. This isn’t Dr. King we are talking about. This is about as stupid as naming the highway after Mark McGwire.
    Travis, via the Internet

    Bad idea: I voted for Barack Obama, but I think Barack Obama Boulevard is a bad idea. What is it with this city and county? Why do we keep naming our streets for people who aren’t even from here, like Rosa Parks and Mark Mc­Gwire? Chicago should name a street for Obama, and we should wait until a St. Louisan becomes president before we do it.
    Linda P., via the Internet

    FEATURE, DECEMBER 4, 2008

    For the Love of Loehr

    A wonderful tribute: I just wanted you to know how much I enjoyed reading your story on Kenny Loehr [“And the Fighter Still Remains,” Kristen Hinman]. I’ve known Kenny, and Rose — what a wonderful woman as well — for about 25 years, and you were able to capture his character perfectly. (Yes, he’s even called me “creep” sometimes). I have also enjoyed a number of Busch beers with him over the years. Kenny is one of the most genuine people I know, and he would give his last dollar to a stranger if he thought the stranger needed it more than him. He has touched so many lives (not only in the boxing gym) that I’m sure many of your readers had tears in their eyes as they turned the pages. Thank you for paying tribute to such a great person.
    Jeff Comotto, St. Louis, via the Internet

  • DJ Ranx Benefit at Rockstar Nightclub, Thursday, May 7

    DJ Ranx Benefit at Rockstar Nightclub, Thursday, May 7

    Sad news to report about Russ Rankin, a.k.a. DJ Ranx of KDHX and the leader of Dubtronix: He had a stroke and a heart attack last week.

     

    DJ Ranx Benefit at Rockstar Nightclub, Thursday, May 7

    To help defray medical bills, stalwart local reggae acts Murder City Players, Youth & Roots and Yard Squad will be performing a benefit show for him at the Rockstar Nightclub on Thursday, May 7. Guest vocalists are promised by those planning the event. Doors are at 8, the show starts at 9, and admission is just $8.

  • Ask a Mexican: Why do Mexicans call people with curly hair chinos?

    Dear Readers: The Mexican is currently dealing with deportation issues but will return next week once he builds his fifteen-foot escalera to climb over that pesky fourteen-foot wall. In the meanwhile, here’s some oldies-but-goodies to tide you by like yesterday’s menudo. Enjoy!

    Dear Mexican: It seems that whenever Chicano professors want to show off their mexicanidad, they wear a guayabera. In fact, I saw a picture of you in the Los Angeles Times donning the shirt, along with Dickies pants and Converse All Stars. How trite and bourgeois! You go to a café or bar in any university town in Mexico, and the students will think you’re totally naco. I stopped wearing the guayabera when a friend said I looked like a waiter in a Mexican restaurant. Do certain clothes determine your Mexicanness?
    Sexy Mexy

    Dear Wab: Abso-pinche-lutely. “The bigger the sombrero, the wabbier the man,” is a commandment all Mexicans learn from the Virgin of Guadalupe. But seriously, Mexican clothes correspond to social and economic status — sweaty T-shirt indicates laborer, calf-length skirt means a proper Mexican woman, and if a cobbler used the hide of an endangered reptile to fashion your cowboy boots, you’re probably a drug dealer or a Texan. The guayabera (a loose-fitting, pleated shirt common in the Mexican coastal state of Veracruz and other tropical regions of Latin America) also announces something about its owner: the güey is feeling hot and wants to look sharp. Why the hate, Sexy? Remember what Andy Warhol said: “Nothing is more bourgeois than to be afraid to look bourgeois.” Who cares if people mistake you for a waiter if you sport a guayabera? Just spit in their soup. And who cares if Mexican university students call me, you or any guayabera wearer a naco (Mexico City slang for bumpkin)? They can’t be that smart if they’re still in Mexico.

    Dear Mexican: Why do Mexicans call people with curly hair chinos? Most chinos I know have very straight, hard-to-curl hair.
    China Confundida

    Dear Confused Chinita: The Mexican has discussed the word chino before, as in why Mexicans call all Asians chinos (same reason gabachos call all Latinos “Mexican”). Chinos is one of the more fascinating homographs (words with the same spelling but different meanings) in Spanish. Its Old World meaning specifically refers to a person of Chinese descent, but in his Dictionary of Latin American Racial and Ethnic Terminology, Rutgers linguist Thomas M. Stephens documents how chino assumed different connotations once the conquistadors pillaged the Americas — and none of those connotations was positive. Stephens’ book devotes an incredible seven pages to chino; some of its more peculiar Latin American definitions include “female servant,” “slave from Mozambique,” “concubine,” “young Indian female who served in a convent,” and, yes, “curly-haired.” Chino also was the category in the Spanish Empire’s Byzantine castas (caste) system designated for the offspring of parents with varying degrees of African and Amerindian blood. Stephens’ only sin is that he doesn’t explain why chino took on so many non-Chinese connotations, though he did write that china in Quechua signifies “female servant or animal,” while Nahuatl speakers used chinoa (“toasted”) to describe dark-skinned people. And he offers no insight into the chino-curly connection.

    But it doesn’t take a Ph-pinche-D to identify the common threads in chino’s various meanings: African blood and servitude. Many blacks, of course, have naturally kinky hair, so at some point over the centuries, chino became an ethnicon (a term meant to comment on an ethnic group’s prominent cultural characteristic that become popular shorthand for said characteristic) for both “black person” and “curly.” Mexicans then went on to drop the black denotation and kept the curly connection. Such linguistic amnesia isn’t unprecedented in Mexican Spanish: marrano, which many Mexicans use to call someone a “pig” or “filthy,” comes from the Inquisition-era slur used against Jews who converted to Christianity. All this wordplay is further proof that Mexico is a country with a racial problem that makes America seem like Sesame Street. The proper Spanish word for “curly,” by the way, is rizado.

    Ask the Mexican at [email protected], be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

  • Ask a Mexican: Why can’t we all call the Rio Grande the same thing?

    Dear Mexican: Why can’t the United States and Mexico agree on one only name for the Rio Bravo-Grande river? And I don t understand why the Americans lo dice in español?
    Marfa Maven

    Dear Wabette: The Mexican is a Californian by the grace of God so doesn’t dare tread the intellectual waters of the Lone Star State unless absolutely necessary—recently, he declared Dallas as more influential in the course of Mexican food in this country than Houston, and got holy hell from it by Houstonians while folks in El Paso and San Antoni snickered! Gotta love those locos…anyhoo, I forwarded the question to Joshua S. Treviño, vice-president of communications for the Texas Public Policy Foundation and one of the few conservative Mexis that doesn’t give the Mexican Montezuma’s Revenge. “This question is near and dear to my heart: though the Mexican who usually answers your queries is born and bred in sunny Orange County, California, my family is from the Texas-Mexico borderland along the Rio Grande,” Joshua writes. “My Treviño grandfather would swim in the river between his childhood home of Roma, Texas, and Ciudad Aleman, Mexico, on the opposite bank. Thankfully, he married a Laredo gal and lived the rest of his life in Texas — else my Treviños might have ended up like the most (in)famous Treviños today: senior enforcers in the Los Zetas narco-cartel.

    “That’s right, I wrote ‘Rio Grande’ above,” Treviño continues. “That’s what we call it here en los Estados Unidos—and it’s just as proper to call it Rio Bravo del Norte when you’re in Mexico. The dual name stems from colonial-era confusion about whether the upper and lower courses of the river were connected. In 1840, Mexican revolutionaries in Laredo established the short-lived República del Rio Grande; the 1848 Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo that ended the U.S.-Mexican War refers to the river demarcating the new boundary as ‘the Rio Grande, otherwise called Rio Bravo del Norte.’ In time, Anglo settlers in Texas adopted one, and Mexicans — perhaps inspired by the connotations of bravo en español signifying ‘wild’ or ‘turbulent,’ which aptly describe the region— adopted the other. Rest assured, this is the source of absolutely no confusion here. As for why we Americans say Rio Grande in Spanish, that must remain a mystery, unsolvable until we discern why we say California, Nevada, Colorado, Arizona, Florida, San Antonio, Los Angeles, and San Francisco en español tambien.

    Gracias, Joshua! The next breakfast taco at Torchy’s in Austin is on me…

    Dear Mexican: What’s up with the trucks full of mattresses and other junk on the freeways? Mexicans get a bad rap for being lowly laborers, but I think they’re secretly engineers. It’s the only explanation for the ridiculous loads they fit into their 1995 Chevrolet Dually pick-up trucks. Where the heck are they going and what are they doing with all of our junk and old mattresses — taking it to TJ? Driving the old gas hogs they are, how can they make any money? I have asked other Mexicans I work with, but they said they don’t know…they might not really be Mexican.
    A Confused White Commuter

    Dear Gabacho: Of course we’re engineers! How else do you explain how we stuff thirteen kids, four uncles, the abuelita and a hell of a lot of clothes in a truck for a trip to Mexico? Or how we stuff ourselves into car engines when we sneak back into the United States?

    Ask the Mexican at [email protected], be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

  • Ask a Mexican: How did tamarind make its way to Mexico?

    Dear Mexican: What do we need to do to make the güeros understand we come in peace As Mexicans, we are from this great American continent as well, but in the average close-minded English-speaking folks’ definition of “American,” it’s amusing to see they don’t understand what it really means, as in: unless you are from one of the few nature-communing groups of people now dubbed “Native Americans,” then you cannot say you are American; being that either yourself, your parents, grandparents or great-grandparents (you get the point) came from the Old World and hence have been in this land “illegally” for much much longer than us bean lovers. So I repeat my question: how can we make these green-gos understand we come in peace? That we are here to live a good life in peace and to take it or leave it: we are here TO STAY! Help me make these McDonalders understand already so we can all learn from each other and live in peace!

    El Frijolero

    Dear Beaner: Gracias for showing American that Mexis can be as meandering as gabachos. As to your question: shit, we’ve tried everything to Hispander to gabachos over the years. We gave them half of Mexico, we called ourselves “Spanish,” we considered ourselves white, we made amazing dishes that other gabachos turned into multi-million-dollar empires — and, still, they hate us. What to do? Not a single pinche thing: Mexicans in this country are no longer at a place where we have to grovel to anyone. If gabachos don’t want to accept that aquí estamos and we ain’t vamos, then they deserve the beautiful brown grandkids that are coming their way.

    Dear Mexican: I noticed that my favorite candies are primarily made out of chile and tamarindo. I understand that chile is indigenous to the Americas, but tamarindo is not. I found that tamarindo originates from the Middle East and Africa. And through the slave trade and the dreadful European expansion, tamarindo found its delicious way to the Americas. What I don’t get is how and why tamarindo became so popular amongst nuestra gente? We consume mega-tons of it! We drink it, we make candy out it, I sometimes have dreams about it…¿que onda?

    Pocho De Ocho

    Dear Pocho: Actually, tamarind came to Mexico through the Manila galleons and has no Middle Eastern connection whatsoever — the Levantine’s contribution to Mexico’s fruit culture is granada (pomegranates) via the Spaniards via the Moors. But it was only by a brain pedo of God that tamarind isn’t native to Mexico, as no other culture save certain Hindoos loves it the way we do. It’s not much of a mystery: Mexicans love sweets with tropical verve and fleshiness, whether it’s mamey, mangoes, papayas, guanábana, tunas (the prickly pear) or boring-ass pineapple. But tamarind is the king of the jungle, because — as you pointed out — we can turn it into so many things: ice cream, fruit leather, salads, salsas, on chocolate, paletas, and so much more. And when we pare it with chile (which we always do), it’s the greatest product of foreign-yet-similar cultures since the leprecano.

    Ask the Mexican at [email protected], be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

  • Ask a Mexican: Why are Mexicans such mama’s boys?

    BUY TACO USA! Gentle cabrones, my much-promised Taco USA: How Mexican Food Conquered America has finally hit bookstores! Place your order with your favorite local bookstore, your finer online retailers, your craftier piratas, but place it. My libro editor has already promised to deport me from the publishing industry if we don’t sell enough copies!

    Dear Mexican: I’m getting sick and tired of all these dirty, stupid Mexicans running around. The first part is easy: As Mr. Dix says in David Copperfield, when asked what to do with David, “Why, bathe him.” The second part could be just as easy: Pay them to learn English. There is no damn crime in knowing two languages. If they are kids brought here illegally by their parents, pay the parents to learn English also. And don’t ever, ever tell me that there’s no money. I HATE MEXICANS EXCEPT FOR THE GIRLS!
    Wrote My Question Via Snail Mail

    Dear Gabacho: And as Dickens wrote in Martin Chuzzlewitz, “What is exaggeration to one class of minds and perceptions, is plain truth to another.” I agree it’s no damn crime to know two languages, so please tell your gaba raza it’s OK to learn Spanish — shit, Mexicans learned English long ago!

    Dear Mexican: Why are Mexican men so attached to their mommies? My boyfriend is an only child, and his mom is loca for him. When he goes out to dinner with his parents, she never has anything to say. But if I am around, she will talk to him forever. I tried to be friends with her, but she looks like she just want to have a civil relationship with me, not a “mother-daughter” relationship. He isn’t crazy in love with his mom because he has stopped speaking to her for ten days because of su novia and had arguments with her because of things she did against me in the past, but he is still kind of…blind. How can I take him away from her? Somebody told that the food will. I already know how to make three Mexican dishes and he loved! What else can I do besides cook and have sex (which he enjoys a lot!)?
    Confused Nuera

    Dear Daughter-in-Law Confundida: It’s not so much a Mexican thing as it is a Catholic culture cosa. One of my favorite cross-cultural moments happened in The Godfather 2, where the young Vito Corleone (as played by Robert DeNiro) saw an opera in Little Italy in which the protagonist, upon learning about the death of his saintly mother, proceeded to sing that he was going to kill his…was it a wife? Lover? Don’t have my Netflix right now. Anyhoo, Catholic culture teaches the male worship of moms and the dismissal of all other woman as inadequate — it’s the whole Madonna/whore complex, and it’s a cycle that not even the best panocha on Earth can break. And as the eldest son of a wonderful mami, I say let this benevolent tyranny reign FOREVER.

    Ask the Mexican at [email protected], be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

  • Ask a Mexican: Why is it that people from Chihuahua and Monterrey are such jackasses?

    Dear Mexican: Why is it that people from Chihuahua and Monterrey are such jackasses? They come from pinches ranchitos and talk about their haciendas, They cross the border and act as if their cagada does not stink. Why do pinches chihuahuenses act as if they are better than us American citizens? They eat at all-you-can-eat $6.99 buffets and still want to take a plate to go for their abuela and primos and try to feed the whole familia. They stay at our hotels and treat the maids like rats, as if they were conquistadores. They speak loud as if every one wanted to hear what they have to say — they are not E.F. Hutton. They think that their putos pesos can buy anything, When you ask them where do they come from, they start by telling you that their abuelos are Spaniards and most of their familia are Spaniards as if they are ashamed to be called mexicanos. The women wear their pantalones so tight that when they walk, they go up their puto culo, with their fake blond hair. Please tell those cabrones chihuahuenses and putos monterreyes que cool down, they are just as Mexicans as the rest of us, that they still smell like frijoles and are not Spaniards.
    Hernan Cortez

    Dear Gachupín: Nothing like some intra-Mexican hatred to prove that the idea of a Mexican nation united for Reconquista is as realistic as a Mexican government free of narco money! Your specific insults toward people from the Mexican state of Chihuahua (or, as they’re known in El Paso, fronchis) and city of Monterrey (their nickname is regiomontanos) marks you as someone from Texas, as that’s where the majority of immigrants from northern Mexico have landed. And the reason they act so uppity isn’t so much because of where they’re from but what they are: ricos who have fled the chaos of their home states for the safety of Texas, where pompous, ostentatious pendejos are not only welcomed, they become governors and presidents.

    Dear Mexican: I’m a gabacha…kind of. I was born here but my padres are mexicanos. So I’m a gabachacana. Anyway my question is in regards to fixing my authentic mexicano’s papeles. He’s 23, and I heard that once you’re past 18, it’s harder to do it. He’s never been in trouble with the law, he pays taxes and he’s a hard worker. But I heard that even all that would do him no good and if I go through trying to fix his papers, he would need to spend like 10 years in Mexico. Now, I’m a patient person, but que chingado man? I’m not gonna risk him meeting some paisana hoochie over there and having me wait 10 years for him. So, what steps can I take to prevent such an atrocity? What would you suggest be the best way to go about in fixing his papers without the risk of having him meet some skeezer down south?
    Gabachacana

    Dear Wabette: While I’m all for people making up ethnic labels to describe themselves, gabachacana makes you sound like an apricot. The easy answer is marrying the chavo — you’re still going to face a long process, but it’s faster than waiting for the Obama administration to make Dios-knows-how-many deals with labor, the Mexican government, and Republicans to offer a “comprehensive immigration reform” that’s as comprehensive as a tortilla chip covering a bowl of birria. Better yet, why not just move to Mexico with him? As I’ve said before, Mexico is the true land of liberty now, a libertarian paradise that becomes more and more appealing as technocrats up here try to game the system for themselves and make los Estados Unidos into just another Mexico–oh, wait…

    Ask the Mexican at [email protected], be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano or ask him a video question at youtube.com/askamexicano!

  • St. Louis Weekend Concert Calendar, April 17 to 19

    Busy weekend!

    Friday, April 17

    *Solange/Teresajenee, Webster University

    *Pretty & Nice/Radical Sons, Firebird

    *Jason Ringenberg/Rough Shop, Off Broadway


    *Loyal Earth Fest at the Old Rock House
    *Unwed Sailor/Jovian Chorus/Dear Future, Luminary Center for the Arts
    *Alvin Jett and Phat NoiZ, Riddles
    *Daniel Francis Doyle/.e, Lemp Neighborhood Arts Center
    *Everett Dean, Deluxe
    *Left Arm/The 75s, Kemper Art Museum
    *Parkway Drive, Fubar
    *Poor People of Paris, Atomic Cowboy
    *Soulard Blues Band, BB’s Jazz Blues & Soups
    *Autovein/The Incurables/Postcard/RadioRadio, etc., The Library
    *FLOW Organ Trio, The Gramophone

    Saturday, April 18
    *Record Store Day! at aPop, Vintage Vinyl and Euclid Records
    *Paul Simon, Fabulous Fox
    *Loyal Earth Festival, Old Rock House
    *DJ Enoch is Real, The Gramophone
    *So Many Dynamos (7-inch release show)/Bronzed Chorus, Billiken Club
    *Panic Attack/The Matter/Gregg Thomas, etc., The Library
    *Magic City, Mangia
    *The Marquette Weekend, Firebird
    *Robert Sarazin Blake/The Union Electric/Malone, Off Broadway
    *Steve Forbert, Focal Point
    *That’s My Daughter, Deluxe

     

    Sunday, April 19
    *Pennywise/Pepper, Pop’s
    *Loyal Earth Festival, Old Rock House
    *Wayne “The Train” Hancock, Off Broadway
    *Doug Macleod, Music Folk (2 p.m.)/BB’s Jazz Blues & Soups (9 p.m.)

  • St. Louis Weekend Concert Calendar: April 10 to 12

    Friday, April 10

    *Diplo, The Gargoyle

    *Bonnie Prince Billy/White Magic, Pageant

    *Orbz (CD release show), Firebird

    *Greg Osby/Willie Akins, Jazz at the Bistro

    *Beth Bombara (CD release)/Grace Basement/David Beeman, Off Broadway

    *Gutbucket, Mad Art Gallery

    *Lez Zeppelin, Blueberry Hill’s Duck Room

    *Spark1duh?, Lemmons

    *Wooden Kites/The Livers, Deluxe

    *Celtic Woman, Fabulous Fox Theatre

    Saturday, April 11

    *Backyard Tire Fire/Pokey LaFarge, Off Broadway

    *Bamboozle Left: The Cab, We the Kings, nevershoutnever!, Pageant

    *Greg Osby/Willie Akins, Jazz at the Bistro

    *Bob Corn, Lemp Neighborhood Arts Center

    *Domani International, Cicero’s

    *Gumbohead, Broadway Oyster Bar

    *Ohtis/Theodore, Schlafly Tap Room

    *Raglani, et al, Apop Records

    *Sparky and Rhonda Rucker, Focal Point

    *The Commoners, Mangia

    *Voice of Addiction, Lemmons

    *The Homewreckers, Deluxe

    *Celtic Woman, Fabulous Fox Theatre

    Sunday, April 12

    *Michael Jonas, Off Broadway

    *Bernard Allison, Beale on Broadway

    *Too Slim and the Taildraggers, BB’s Jazz, Blues and Soups  

  • ¡Ask A Mexican! Well, pinche me and call me gabacho: A Mexican Spanish vulgarity may not be so vulgar.

    Dear readers: Before we move on to your spicy preguntas, a bit of housecleaning. Primeramente, gracias to all the Know Nothings who responded to my 100-word-essay challenge asking them to justify loving legal Mexicans but not the illegal ones; I will publish the best entries on the Mexican’s April Fools’ edición.

    On a more important note: pinche. Many of ustedes offered alternate meanings to this Mexican Spanish vulgarity beyond “cooking assistant” and “fucking in the adverbial sense.” From our Puerto Rican brothers:

    In Puerto Rico, pinche is simply the term used for a wooden clothespin. There is no negative connotation of the word on the island.

    From a gabacho married to a Colombian chica:

    When my in-laws were in recently, my cuñada saw us drinking margaritas from a margarita glass. “Eso es muy pinche,” she said, and our mouths dropped. But according to my mother-in-law, pinche in Colombia just means that one is putting on airs.

    Next is my pal Tigrillo, a proud Mexi grad of Princeton University, voicing something echoed by many other tejanos who wrote in:

    In south Texas, they use pinche to refer to people being tight with their money. Kind of weird, since so many folk in south Texas have roots in Monterrey, the supposed land of the codos. I think that meaning of pinche is Tex-Mex, and I have never heard it used similarly elsewhere.

    Something for the Spanish-speaking readers of this column. Oh, my god: the Reconquista has even hit ¡Ask a Mexican!

    Soy un nostálgico ex-neoyorquino que ahora vive en Chilangolandia. Leyendo la respuesta que diste al uso de pinche, pienso que no puedes decir “¡Pinche!” a secas, porque además de adverbio es un adjetivo que necesita calificar a un nombre (adverbios se convierten en adjetivos, es mi punto). Tienes que decir, como le explicaste al gabacho: “¡Pinche gringo culero!,” o “¡Pinche güey!” como decimos mucho aquí en Mexico City. También decimos mucho: “Eso está muy pinche,” para determinar la mala calidad o mal gusto de cualquier cosa. ¿Y qué tal el superlativo pinchísimo? También se debe incluir como adjetivo, ¿no?: “¡Esa película estuvo pinchísima!” es una gran palabra y por supuesto es muy buena traducción para fucking. Me gusta particularmente: “Fucking bitch!” Pero no por misógino, sino porque suena tan bien como “¡Pinche puta!”

    The final word goes to a gabacho living in Mexico:

    Actually, Mexican: here in Sinaloa, pinche is a pretty mild word, more like your (and mine for years) definition, “worthless.” Commonly used by la gente educada y religiosa, pinche just doesn’t have that connotation of “fucking” that it seems to have gained from you pinche wabs y Chicanos in the borderlands and in the U.S.

    One qualifier to the Mexicanized gabacho: he lives in Sinaloa, a Pacific coastal state notorious for its tough, vulgar residents. Need proof? This is where most of Mexico’s drugs lords originate — and now, I shut up.

    Dear Mexican: Have you seen the Simpsons figurines from Kid Robot? The Bumblebee Man is the hardest to get, therefore the most valuable of the bunch. I’ve seen it on eBay going for $75 when they cost seven bucks in the store. You think Matt Groening did this on purpose ’cause he really does love the Mexicans, or you think it was just a funny character and a funny coincidence?
    Señora Ding Dong

    Dear Wabette: Of course Groening loves Mexicans, and not just because he freely admits that the legendary Mexican superhero El Chapulín Colorado (The Red Grasshopper) inspired Bumblebee Man. As I argue in an essay included in my ¡Ask a Mexican! compilation, The Simpsons is the most Latino show ever to appear on English-language television, one so wabby it makes The George Lopez Show seem as gabacho as Friends. Want a full explanation? Buy my book, because I’m over my word count that the gabachos give me!

    Ask the Mexican at [email protected], myspace.com/ocwab, find him on Facebook, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433!

  • St. Louis Rib Fest

    St. Louis Rib Fest

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