You're sitting across the table from an attractive paramour, sipping drinks and making small talk. There's a lull in the conversation, your eyes meet. You stare deep into each other's souls, and like knowledge being dropped from the heavens, suddenly you both know.
You must have sex as soon as possible.
Before we take this narrative any further, permit Gut Check to state, for the record, that we do not in any way suggest (or for that matter condone) the notion of coupling up in a public restroom. In fact, when we asked local bartenders about the phenomenon, most were so concerned that we might encourage it that they declined to comment. Friends, there are much more comfortable, much more sanitary places to get it on.
That said, we all know where the State of Denial is, even if we don't live in it. So as a public service to our fellow St. Louisans, we examined water closets far and wide, from the Loop to Laclede's Landing, in search of the best spots for a (hypothetical) quickie. We judged washrooms based on size, cleanliness, privacy, overall ambiance and...ahem...not reputation, per se, but let's just say public perception.
All right, then. Let's do it.
8. Llywelyn's (4747 McPherson Avenue; 314-361-3003) Don't tell anyone we told you (or that a bartender told us), but the original Llywelyn's in the Central West End has a second floor reserved for events or holidays when they anticipate a large crowd. Though it's not in everyday use, it's never actually closed. At the top of the stairs are separate men's and women's facilities, both of which are clean and spacious. On the average night, no one will be going up there, and if you're careful, no one would even know you're there. Don't forget to tip that bartender.
7. Broadway Oyster Bar (736 S. Broadway; 314-621-8811) True, these bathrooms have seen a lot of use. But they do have two huge things going for 'em: They're unisex, and they're seriously mirrorred. What self-respecting aficionado of public poking wouldn't want to admire him- and herself from every conceivable angle while getting down? The mirrored-mosaic walls are fantastic enough to keep you mesmerized for hours, but better make it quick. The sounds of the bar are loud enough to cover the sounds of rapture, but it's not exactly a hidden love nest. Even if the potty's a-rockin', someone will probably come a-knockin'.