Baseball Card of the Week: Colby Rasmus

Jan 16, 2009 at 5:16 pm

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Boy, it sure is cold outside.

....

....Oh, come on. Don't leave me hanging, guys!

How cold is it, Aaron?

It's so cold I think I have frostbite. On my genitals!

That's not funny. The hell kind of joke is that anyway?

Oh. Um, well, it's sort of a meta humor kind of thing. You know, it's a bad joke, like, on purpose, right? I mean, it's not funny, no, but it is funny that I would think that was funny. See? That's how these things work. I'm on the cutting edge of humor.

Wow, tough room.

How about it's colder than the bedroom in the Andy Kennedy household? Wakka wakka? No? That's even topical! You people suck.

So anyway, how about we get to the Card of the Week, huh? You guys obviously just don't get it.

Even if you don't like my comedic stylings, you have to admit that it's awfully cold out there, isn't it? And what do you need when it's this cold outside? You need to warm up! Winter Warm Up, that is. (See, this is what we in the comedy business call a segway. It's French, and it means a scooter that you can ride on is you've given up hope to the point that walking is just too much effort. Wait, is that right? Hmm.)

Anyhow, the Cardinals' annual Winter Warm Up is this weekend, and I'm planning on attending for the very first time in my life.

Ordinarily, I balk at anything that involves waiting in line as much as this promises to, but several of the presentations sound really great this year, and there are two autographs I'm hoping to get my hands on now.

The first is Brett Wallace, the Cards' first-round draft pick from this past year, and he's free! Totally free! Can you believe that? I can get a recent college graduate to sign a piece of paper for free! Only in America!

All kidding aside, I am all kinds of excited about Wallace being free. The other autograph I'm really hoping to get, though, isn't going to be quite so accommodating to the wallet, costing $30 more than free. Still, I'm willing to pay it.

However, being of less than great financial means, I'm also not above trying to finagle some sort of deal on my $30 autograph. Thus, I give you the Colby Rasmus Baseball Card of the Week!

What we have here is a 2007 Colby Rasmus card from the Futures game, by the Bowman company. First off, I've got to say, kind of a tacky card, isn't it? I'm not sure exactly what's going on with the teal color scheme, but it doesn't really scream out "BASEBALL!" to me.

However, it is a pretty great action shot of my hero, the esteemed Mr. Rasmus. Hey, did you know that Colby once rescued eight people from a burning building while playing Bach's Goldberg Variations on a baby grand he had strapped to his back? The survivors said it was the most beautiful music they had ever heard.

Such a man, this Colby Rasmus! Surely, a man so great as this would never dream of charging his biggest fan just for his autograph.

What's that? You say it's for charity? Like I care.

When's the last time some charity called me up and offered me some damn money? That's right, two weeks ago, and that's just too long, if you ask me. Stupid Make A Wish Foundation told me I couldn't go to Venus anyway. Not my fault that I'm significantly older than most of their cases, and we haven't mastered space travel to the point of visiting other planets. Maybe if they had started working on my case when I first contracted Super Herpes we wouldn't be stuck in this situation. We'd be on Venus by now. (By the way, I totally made up the Super Herpes just for the foundation people, ladies. No Super Herpes here! Hell, my regular herpes haven't even flared up in a couple of months. And the chlamydia? Two more weeks of antibiotics and I should be able to come out of my bubble! Aaron is back on the market, and on the prowl!)

In all seriousness, folks, the Winter Warm Up really is for a great cause, with all the proceeds going to Cardinals Care, and all of the various things they do. Seems like it ought to be an enjoyable event, too. I'm certainly looking forward to attending my first one. I'm not ordinarily real big into the autograph and memorabilia scene, but I do think it would be really cool to meet some of the young players before they get huge.

And seriously, Brett Wallace's autograph is free! That's worth the price of admission right there. So, at the risk of giving away free advertising space, head on over to the Cards' Web site, or better yet, down to the team store at Union Station (I love Union Station, and it needs customers), and get your tickets.

If you do happen to attend the event, come on over and say hello to me. I'll be the guy in the bubble, covered in mostly healed sores. What? I said they were mostly healed! God, you people are such prudes!