Loop Trolley Driver's Ed Resumes Today as St. Louis Braces For Impact

The headline we all desperately wish was an April Fool's joke sadly is not

Apr 1, 2024 at 11:05 am

Be very afraid. DANIEL HILL

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In news that all St. Louisans who care about the physical well-being of their vehicles and bodies desperately wish was just an April Fool's joke, the Loop Trolley has lurched to life again today to begin operator training for the 2024 season as a weary metro braces for impact.

While we can all agree that training the poor fools doomed to pilot St. Louis' most whimsical parked-car-bashing machine is an excellent idea — something obviously needs to be done, after all — it's just a point of fact that this period of Trolley Driver's Ed will be among the most dangerous of them all for those unlucky enough to find themselves in the Loop in the coming weeks. "Training" does not equal "trained," it must be noted, and that's an important distinction when one is staring down an unstoppable force of destruction hurtling toward them at speeds approaching 18 miles per hour.

The Loop Trolley folks know this, and that's why they've helpfully filled the very front page of their website with safety tips on how to survive the ensuing carnage. But while their advice will surely prove useful, we here at the RFT thought we'd add to the list with some tips of our own on how to avoid annihilation in these perilous times:

Keep your head on a swivel. While it's true that the trolley runs on a fixed path on tracks embedded in the road, you should treat it as though it could come from anywhere at any time. The trolley has never in its whole cursed existence derailed, which in this case can only mean one thing: It's due.

Wear protection. A full-face motorcycle helmet and some football pads will provide some defense against catastrophic injury, but if you can get your hands on a medieval suit of armor, that'd be even better. Maybe see if you can borrow one from Joe Edwards — you gotta believe he has a few in his vast collection of kitschy crap.

Be careful when parking. Know that you are taking your car's life into your own hands if you park along the trolley's route, and act accordingly. Affix a series of mattresses and pillows to the street-facing side of your vehicle in order to cushion the inevitable impact.

Avoid others' parked cars. You wouldn't hang out with a bunch of gazelles if you were in lion country, would you? Use your head.

When in doubt, run. The one and only advantage we seem to have against this seemingly unstoppable predator is its snail-like pace. You can likely get away in time if you find yourself in its path of destruction, but only if you act without hesitation.

The trolley is set to resume its regular operation on April 25, at which time the overall threat level for those visiting the Loop will click down a notch from its present state of Imminent Danger to that of Harrowing Uncertainty.

In the meantime, you'd be a fool to think you are safe.

Slideshow

Your Guide to the Perfect Stroll Through the Delmar Loop

Don't get too comfortable, though — you have more walking to do. A couple doors down from the cafe you'll find the Loop Wallz Mural Project (6265 Delmar Boulevard, University City), a new endeavor from longtime St. Louis artist Peat Wollaeger, whose work you'll recognize by its ever-present eyeball motif. The space opened in January and is home to a collection of Wollaeger's art, any piece of which is sure to add a nice touch of street-art style to any room in your home.

The U City Farmers' Market (6655 Delmar Boulevard, Rear Lot) might not be as large or as celebrated as some of the other markets in town — Tower Grove, we're looking at you — but it still has plenty of charm. Park your car in the spacious lot east of Kingsland at the intersection of Delmar Boulevard; you'll spot the market tucked behind W Karaoke Lounge. Here you'll find a dozen or so vendors peddling grass-fed beef, baklava, handmade jewelry, wild Alaskan seafood, local honey and more. Grab a coffee and cozy up the fire pits if it's a cold day, and if the stand selling the chorizo burritos and other breakfast treats is open for business on your visit, don't dare sleep on it. (See midwestfarmersmarkets.org/u-city-farmers-market for hours and more details.)

From here you're going to want to head east on Delmar, sticking to the sidewalk on the north side of the street. If affordable Chinese fare and/or bubble tea is your thing, pop into Corner 17 (6623 Delmar Boulevard, University City) to see your needs met. Stroll right past Starbucks (if we're gonna drink some coffee in the Loop it is not going to come from a chain), tip your cap to Fitz's and Salt + Smoke and that lovely Uranus, wave hello to the Chuck Berry statue, then make your way to Artisans in the Loop (6511 Delmar Boulevard, University City). Artisans in the Loop reopened in August 2023 under the ownership of Renau and Alison Bozarth, who purchased the now five-year-old gallery from founder Wendy Harris. On a mission to create "a fun and vibrant space for local and regional artists to demonstrate their creative talents and sell their amazing, one-of-a-kind creations," as stated on its website, the gallery affords St. Louis art lovers the perfect opportunity to check out some new works from some of the region's most talented creators in a variety of mediums. It's a great place to pick up a unique gift you wouldn't find anywhere else while supporting local artists.

Directly next door is the Componere Gallery of Art & Fashion (6509 Delmar Boulevard, University City), another artistic enclave that calls the Loop home. Here you'll find everything from whimsical industrial-style lamps to abstract paintings to jewelry to portraiture to pottery, all on display and all for sale. Back outside you'll pass Ranoush (6501 Delmar Boulevard, University City), which now stands alone as the premier destination for Middle Eastern cuisine in the heart of the Loop since the neighboring Al-Tarboush's tragic closure last year upon its owner's retirement.

A little further down the line you'll come upon the Delmar location of Found Vintage (6325 Delmar Boulevard, University City), a second-hand clothing shop that offers a more curated selection of the hip styles and vintage trends in fashion than you might find at Goodwill or other chain thrift shops. It might cost a little bit more, but it's worth it.

Next on your list is longtime Loop mainstay Sunshine Daydream (6303 Delmar Boulevard, University City), which has moved from its former location by Vintage Vinyl but remains the area's premier destination for lava lamps, drug rugs, hemp jewelry and all manner of apparel and accessory loudly advertising your undying love of weed.

Once your hippiest desires are fulfilled, head next door to Class6ixx Vintage Clothing (6275 Delmar Boulevard, University City), one of the Loop's newest purveyors of used clothing — and arguably the most interesting. The shop is eye-catching on approach, with stacks of classic VHS tapes from the '80s and '90s in its display window flanked by an old tube TV equipped to play them. Inside you'll find several jam-packed racks lining the walls of the shop and surrounding a couple of tables with a huge unorganized pile of unfolded clothes sitting atop it. JNCOs, Beverly Hills, 90210 apparel, Super Mario blankets and bootleg band T-shirts abound, with a pricing system the owner describes as "freestyle" — you show him what you've unearthed and he tells you what he thinks you should pay. It might take some sifting to get to the gold, but your wardrobe will be richer for the effort.

Click to View 24 slides

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About The Author

Daniel Hill

Daniel Hill is editor at large for the Riverfront Times and he demands to be taken seriously, despite all evidence to the contrary. Follow him on Twitter at @rftmusic.

Email Daniel Hill