Saving the World, One Bikini Car Wash at a Time

Jun 25, 2009 at 8:13 am
Is this the answer to all the world's ills? I don't know, but I'm willing to give it a try.  -
Is this the answer to all the world's ills? I don't know, but I'm willing to give it a try. 
There are days when it seems the world around us is going to hell in a hand basket, my friends. Days when you look outside and see the environment slowly dying off, the economy collapsing, and basic human decency seemingly nowhere to be found. In fact, if I were a religious sort of man, I might think we were living in the end times, considering just how awful the world seems some days. After all, how else can you explain the Disney Channel's continued popularity? 

But then, every once in a while, something comes along that restores your faith in humanity. Something wonderful, something that makes you look around at the world with new eyes, and rejoice at the beauty and glory of all God's creation. 

That something, ladies and gentlemen, is here. That something is a bikini car wash. 

The Missouri Hooters Bikini Car Wash Team has recently taken to the streets in Springfield, Missouri, washing cars and changing lives. In what can only be described as saintly behavior, the brave women of the MHBCWT (it's pronounced mubkwit), are risking life, limb, and possible sunburn to bring a little bit of light back to the benighted town of Springfield. (They're benighted because of, um, the, uh, Bass Pro Shop had to let a couple of cashiers go. Yeah, that should do it.) 

You want to know what's wrong with the world today? I'll tell you. When you open a newspaper, what do you see? Do you see war, famine, pestilence, and death? Or do you see bikini-clad girls in their early 20s soaping up someone's Subaru? That's right; you see the four horsemen staring right out at you. Thank god there are people like the good folks at Busted Coverage to remind us all occasionally of what really matters in life. 

What's wrong with the world today is just that. No one wants to hear about the good stuff in life, the important stuff. No, we're all too worried about a dictator half a world away testing nukes. And why? Because somewhere along the way, we all lost our hope. 

When the Nobel Prize Committee meets next to give out the world's highest honor, none of these girls will even get considered. The chemistry award will be given to some stuffy scientist type, and never mind that the cure for AIDS is only going to help like one in fifteen people. That's barely six percent! Bikini car washes, on the other hand, have been empirically proven to help 97.924% of everyone who comes into contact with them. 

Or the Nobel Peace Prize, the one everybody always goes on and on and on about. They'll probably give it to fucking Jimmy Carter again. Oh, you negotiated an end to hostilities in the Middle East, Jimmy? Well, that's fine, but guess what? My car is dusty and I'm dangerously underbreasted this morning! Now what are you going to do about it?! 

In the end, though, I suppose it doesn't really matter. These courageous women don't do it for fame. They don't do it for money. They don't even do it for the gratitude that sparkles in the eye of every smiling child's face they see. No, they do it because it's the right thing to do. They do it because sometimes, the world cries out for a hero. And sometimes, that hero needs to be wearing a two piece and rubbing her breasts all over the windshield of an automobile. And sometimes that hero is trying to save a rec center from being demolished by James Spader. Wait, no. That was skiing. Wasn't it? 

So to the women of the Missouri Hooters Bikini Car Wash Team, I say thank you. If only the world had more people like you in it, we wouldn't be in such dire straits. After all, I feel completely confident in saying that there has never been an act of wide-scale genocide near a bikini car wash. I'm looking at you, Darfur. 

Godspeed, you princesses of Southwestern Missouri. Godspeed.