It takes persistence and patience, but yes, it is possible to steal $1,577.23 worth of liquor from a Walmart.
That's what cops in Washington say Nicholas Salisbury and his brother Jeffrey Salisbury did at a Walmart SuperCenter on November 20.
According to the Emissourian, Washington police claim that the Salisbury brothers went in and out of the store multiple times with bottles of liquor stuffed into their pants and coats.
After the incident, Walmart says they were missing $1,577.23 worth of booze.
Assuming the accusations are true and every cent of the missing alcohol total was stuffed into the Salisburys' clothing and not past shoplifting incidents or a few opportunistic Walmart employees who saw their chance to get a few bottles of the good stuff and blame it on the two guys with pockets full of plastic jug vodka, these brothers should probably be commended for such an amazing feat.
First of all, $1,577.23 of liquor at Walmart is a lot of liquor. Let's assume the Salisburys prefer the finer things in life and the average cost of the bottles they allegedly stole was $25 (usually the really expensive stuff is in a locked display case). That would mean they stole 63 bottles of booze.
See also: St. Louis Man Robs Walmart, Says His Dead Cousin, Killed Before The Theft, Did It: Cops
Nobody wears JNCO jeans anymore, so the Salisburys' pants pockets couldn't have been big enough to hold more than a dozen bottles at a time. So let's assume they could only fit six bottles each into their pants and coats. That would mean they each had to go back into the Walmart at least five times to get 63 bottles of booze.
That's five times going into the Walmart, filling their clothes with liquor, taking it to the car, putting it into the car, and going back to do it again. Five times each.
If that's not impressive enough, the Washington police also suspect the Salisburys, who are both in their twenties, of several other liquor-stealing incidents around town.
See also: Walmart Improperly Dumped Hazardous Waste in Missouri, Must Pay $82 Million
Many people write off Millennials as being lazy, impatient, and expect things to be given to them. But the Salisbury brothers are proof that even twentysomethings can be hard-working, persistent and willing to go out and get what they want -- even if it means repeating trips to the Walmart to fill their pockets with booze.
Follow Ray Downs on Twitter at @RayDowns. E-mail the author at [email protected].