2023 St. Louis News Quiz: Special More-Bizarre-Than-Ever Edition

1. The feds seized $2 million and 15 ATMs last month from businessman/informant Mohammed Almuttan. Which concerning item was not part of their haul?

a) An arsenal of 19 handguns, 4 rifles and a shotgun.

b) An arsenal of explosives.

c) 4,223 cartons of cigarettes.

d) A Sam's Club membership card.

2. Two teachers at Missouri's St. Clair High School were exposed — so to speak — for moonlighting as adult performers on the website OnlyFans. What happened next?

a) St. Clair High School passed an emergency bond issue so it could quadruple its number of classrooms by next fall.

b) The two teachers resigned in disgrace.

c) The two teachers noted that Missouri's lousy pay for teachers necessitated their OnlyFans activities.

d) Missouri Republican leaders announced that investigating the teachers' videos would be the state's only order of business for education in the 2024 session.

3. Webster Groves hotspot restaurant Olive + Oak stirred an online hornet's nest with its decision to cancel a fundraiser booked by the campaign of Republican presidential candidate and wingnut Vivek Ramaswamy. What important benefit were Ramaswamy's intended $3,300 donors deprived of?

a) The chance to meet Ramaswamy in person.

b) "A phone call with Vivek," a crappy book and a great dinner.

c) A gold-plated "Climate Denier" badge signed in coal by Ramaswamy.

d) A complementary straitjacket.

4. A person we chose to identify only as "Kirkwood Karen" earned fleeting moments of online infamy when she was captured on video screaming what insult to a Black postal worker?

a) "Don't you try to go postal on me! I went postal first!"

b) "Equal my ass! You're not equal! Goddamn fucking step on white people!"

c) "Equal my ass! You're not equal! But I would like to do you anyway!"

d) "Equal my ass! You're not equal! I wish I hadn't voted for Obama!"

5. A federal budget item aimed at "developing a female crash test dummy to address gender equity in crash testing" caused Senator Eric Schmitt to humiliate himself with a Twitter fit before he realized it was funding a scientific study on how car crashes affect men and women differently. Why was he so misinformed?

a) He assumed "female" meant men were suffering discrimination.

b) He assumed "dummy" meant he was under personal attack.

c) He assumed "crash testing" described a leftist CRT education plot.

d) He assumed "gender equity" meant this was woke.

6. In June, the St. Louis Cardinals announced they had extended alcohol sales to the end of the eighth inning, rather than the end of the seventh inning as had been tradition. Why did they do this?

a) Fans had complained that they should be able to drink as late as the pitchers in the bullpen.

b) Because they could, and there's just a little markup to be made.

c) Because they wanted to promote responsible driving but felt that they had been overdoing it.

d) Because they felt an extra beer in the eighth inning might help numb the fans' discomfort with how the Cardinals were playing this year.

7. Why did St. Louis County Councilman Ernie Trakas (R-Hell) sign on as a lawyer suing the now-closed Washington University Transgender Center at Children's Hospital?

a) He felt bad about not reimbursing taxpayers for that $60,000 payment they made to settle a sex harassment claim a former aide made against him.

b) He's still angry that the county instituted gender-neutral restrooms in 2021, which he fought on the grounds it violated his religious beliefs.

c) He's your garden-variety Republican culture warrior.

d) He was called to serve in a moment of divine revelation while practicing his religious beliefs in a public restroom.

8. Why does Josh Hawley always wear the same khaki green shirt when he comes to Missouri?

a) For camouflage purposes, in case angry woke people send him scurrying into the woods as if Capitol rioters were afoot.

b) By wearing the same shirt and never washing it, he emits the macho outdoor scent of a masculine manly man.

c) When he wears his normal shirts, he mysteriously starts resembling the scion of a wealthy banker, and who wants that?

d) He thinks it makes him look like an average Missour-ah country guy even though it doesn't.

9. Why did Democratic House Minority Leader Crystal Quade strip state Representative Sarah Unsicker (D-Shrewsbury) of her committee assignments?

a) Jewish billionaire George Soros insisted upon it in exchange for donations.

b) Unsicker planned to demand House hearings on Jewish space lasers.

c) Unsicker fanned the flames of antisemitic conspiracy theories online.

d) If we told you the truth, we'd end up like kids at that pizza parlor.

10. In a Twitter Spaces chat, Unsicker and some alt-right friends discussed a conspiracy theory of Israeli foreign interference in the race for Missouri state attorney general, from which she subsequently dropped out as a candidate. The two people cited as possible plotters were fellow candidates Elad Gross (pictured), a liberal Democrat, and Will Scharf, a conservative Republican. Why might they have been singled out?

a) Gross' two names consists of a total of nine letters. Nine upside down is six, which is the sign of the devil. Scharf's has 10 but you know how Jews shorten their names.

b) Both are Jewish.

c) Neither has proven they're not engaged in human trafficking.

d) Neither has issued a single statement condemning the death of Jesus.

11. State Senator Ben Brown (R-Washington), owner of Satchmo's Bar and Grill in Chesterfield, parlayed his defiance of pandemic-era regulations into a political career. What important bills has he since sponsored?

a) Elimination of the state Health Department.

b) Allowing parents to opt their school-age kids out of curriculum they consider "inappropriate for whatever reason."

c) Instituting the "Save Women's Sports Act" to target hypothetical trans kids.

d) B and C, but A should be coming anytime.

12. Rick Morrow, lead pastor of Beulah Church in the Missouri Ozarks town of Richland, proposed which strategy for treating children with autism?

a) Providing loving care and support from family members, friends and the church.

b) Introducing them to his hobby of martial arts fighting.

c) Casting the demons out of them and rewiring their brains.

d) Casting the freaky pastors out of them and rewiring their churches.

13. The giant parent company that owns local TV station KMOV is suing the giant parent company that owns local TV station KSDK for trademark infringement over which catchy weather phrase?

a) First Alert Weather.

b) First Weather Alert.

c) Second Alert Weather.

d) So What If We Missed One Tornado?

14. Convicted sex offender Tommy Boyd, serving a 30-year sentence at Potosi Correctional Center for felony enticement of a child, escaped from Mercy South Hospital, where he had been taken for an illness. Before he was captured, Boyd showed up online in a selfie taken with an unidentified woman. While he was on the lam, St. Louis County Police issued what unusual warning to the public about this "absolutely dangerous" guy?

a) Don't let him borrow your firearms.

b) Don't invite him to your kid's birthday party.

c) Don't take selfies with him.

d) Don't ask him on a date.

15. University of Missouri President Mun Choi now has a pay package approaching $1 million. Despite being home to one of the nation's top journalism schools, university communications officials offered what novel explanation for why it wasn't publicizing anything about his compensation?

a) They don't want to appear to be bragging about how much Choi makes.

b) No one in the media used the phrase "Simon Says" before asking about it.

c) They're "happy" to provide that information on request but only if legally required to do so.

d) They're afraid that if this information comes out, all the assistant football and basketball coaches will demand raises.

16. A report from the National Rural Education Association found that Missouri teachers' salaries were "critically low" — averaging $14,000 below their peers in other states, with only Arkansas ranked lower. What does the state legislature plan to do about this in 2024?

a) Nothing.

b) Cut the teachers' pay below Arkansas' level to emulate the state's last-in-the-nation tobacco tax stature.

c) Deport teachers who complain about it to Arkansas and construct a southern border wall to keep them from returning.

d) Partner with OnlyFans on an aid program for teachers to provide a more respectable amount of compensation.

17. What percent of likely voters in Missouri use the pronunciation "Missour-uh" instead of "Missour-ee, according to an SLU/YouGov poll?

a) 91.4

b) 50.2

c) 9.5

d) 27.2

18. Why did you probably get Question 17 wrong?

a) You underestimated how many Missourians refuse to use three-syllable words.

b) You underestimated how many people stopped saying Missour-uh because they didn't want to sound like Josh Hawley.

c) You were surprised for the same reason the polling experts were surprised: It's surprising.

d) You're just a woke city slicker who doesn't know anything.

19. Which question was asked by the city's curious study about how to spend the $250 million windfall it received from the lawsuit over the Rams' departure?

a) What basic city services would you like to see the city resume providing?

b) What challenges have you recently experienced or are currently experiencing?

c) What challenges were you not experiencing when the Rams were here but are currently experiencing?

d) Can you help us find where Stan Kroenke lives?

20) The Rams survey offered a narrow list of concerns that respondents could identify in their lives. Which of these was not a possible response?

a) I do not have access to substance abuse treatment.

b) I do not have a reliable work schedule.

c) I have not received a timely or appropriate emergency response when calling 911.

d) I cannot live another year without an NFL team playing in St. Louis.

21. Fields Foods owner Chris Goodson closed his chain of six "food desert" grocery stores in 2023. Which statement did his employees debunk to an RFT reporter?

a) That people misunderstood that the stores were intended to serve desserts, not serve food deserts.

b) That Goodson planned to open a new chain of stores with the catchier name of Goodson's Goodies.

c) That Goodson was "in talks" with an "employee group" that had credible plans to buy the Fields Foods chain.

d) That when Goodson was selected by the city to renovate Cleveland High School amid the store closings, it proved they were much ado about nothing.

22. Which is not true of marijuana at college campuses in the area?

a) Courses are offered in cannabis science.

b) Courses are offered in cannabis entrepreneurship.

c) Courses are offered in cannabis cultivation and production.

d) Students can possess weed without fear of expulsion.