All-Star Banner is Perfect for Fixer-Upper Fans...and it's only $250

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(Cue Unreal's best Billy Mays carnival barker voice)

Expecting company soon? Own a fixer-upper home that needs a facelift?! Just don't have the time or budget for those costly repairs?! Lucky for you, Unreal is here to help!

For the low, low one-time buy-now price of just $250, you can own an official MLB All-Star banner. This 2 1/2 foot by 7 foot piece of custom screen-printed fabric once graced the streets of downtown St. Louis and impressed baseball fans from across the country with the festive splendor of a city sprucing up for the national spotlight.

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Yes, buy now and we'll throw in a FREE certificate of authentication from the St. Louis Cardinals at no extra cost. It's guaranteed to convince several hundred thousand guests that your home is in tip-top condition and a baseball mecca to boot.

Call 1-800-ALL-STAR-SUCKA to order now and SAVE! We'll even throw in a free softball field for that giant water-filled crater in your backyard. 

(Offer void where prohibited, shipping and handling not included, call for details,some assembly required)