20 Places That Should Be on the St. Louis Version of Monopoly

By Riverfront Times Staff on Thu, Mar 7, 2024 at 3:01 pm

Did you hear the good news? Game makers Top Trumps (no relation to the former president) are planning a new St. Louis-themed Monopoly board — joining such thriving metropolises as Tucson and Tampa in being so featured. It's a big deal! Mayor Tishaura Jones herself was at the press conference this morning for the announcement.

And here's the great part: They want our help suggesting places to feature! Not "our" meaning the RFT — strangely, we never got a personalized request to contribute, what's up with that? — but "our" meaning the public. And who are we to ignore the call to localize a game designed to highlight the horrors of unbridled capitalism and exploitative landlords?

Without further ado, here are our best suggestions for properties to be included in the St. Louis version of Monopoly, the going rate should you wish to invest in them and the gameplay wrinkles you may face if you do so. Take note, Top Trumps!

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SCREENSHOT

Murder Shell: $0
You just wanted to get some gas in Downtown West, now you're in fear for your life and hiding from gunshots behind a dumpster. Worse still, you left your car unattended for 15 seconds and now the Kia Boyz own it. Lose two turns.

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Steve Truesdell

The St. Louis Zoo: FREE
Did you hear we have a free zoo? Didja? Didja? Don't forget to toss in $65 for your concessions, $2 to ride the carousel, $20 for your family to ride the zoo train and $25 for stuffies at the conveniently located zoo gift shop.

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PHUONG BUI

Iowa Buffet: $5
You have every reason to celebrate St. Louis when you're at one of the city's fine local dives. Where else but St. Louis can you still make it a double for less than $10? Bonus: Winning second prize at a beauty contest is easy here, you handsome devil you.

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FLICKR/GREENVILLE DAILY PHOTO

QuikTrip: $11
You can have tubular roller grill meat cylinders for breakfast, lunch and dinner here because in St. Louis, there's one on Every. Single. Corner. Unfortunately, the esophagus-shaped foodstuff gets caught in your windpipe and you collapse next to the slushie machines. Lose a turn while the paramedics revive you.

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Paul Sableman / Flickr

Sauget: $20
You got too drunk and fell in love with a stripper. Take all the money you have and make it rain onto the game board.

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ZACHARY LINHARES

Soulard: $30
You get run over by a golf cart while stumbling out of McGurk's. Lose a turn.

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SCREENSHOT/A NEW HOME

Bevo Mill: $40
Tilt with a windmill, savor some good Bosnian/Mexican food and enjoy some of the city's cheapest rent, but lose a turn when a confused Busch heir forgets the family doesn't own the neighborhood anymore and drunkenly lands a helicopter full of dogs and handguns on your car. Go directly to jail, because he sure as hell won't.

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KAVAHN MANSOURI

Edward Jones Dome: $100
There's no NFL team here and the next concert from a stadium-sized celebrity that wants to set foot in St. Louis is in August. Please enjoy this unique time capsule into what stadiums looked like in 2004 since the others have largely been updated.

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FLICKR/PAUL SABLEMAN

Gravois Park: $200
You are swarmed by drones piloted by some weaselly out-of-towner and are forced to flee to shelter. Lose a turn while you gather materials to build a slingshot.

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VIA GOOGLE MAPS

Brentwood Promenade
Go to Brentwood Promenade. Go directly to Brentwood Promenade. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

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Sarah Lovett

City Museum: $250
You get your leg stuck in a twisted cage of metal while trying to climb out of the airplane you just smoked weed in. Lose two turns while the fire department works to free your dumb ass.

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AARON BUNSE

St. Louis Police HQ
You are a cop, so advance five spaces by ignoring every red light, but then lose a turn when you flip your impossible-to-steer Tahoe.

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THEO WELLING

River Des Peres: $300
It's a drainage channel, but isn't it optimistic and beautiful that they call it a river? It's one of the greatest real estate marketing lies of all time.

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THEO WELLING

Portland Place: $500
Nice place to visit, gotta love a good Midwestern palazzo. Just beware those mustard-stained lawyers brandishing firearms.

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@pasa / Flickr

Downtown Clayton: $750
You pay good money to office in what looks like a city — there are tall buildings and parking garages — but everyone is white and rich and goes home at 6:30 p.m., which is like no city anywhere in America. Enjoy those bustling streets!

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DOYLE MURPHY

St. Louis City Justice Center
You go directly to jail as ordered, but find the detainees rioting because no one has let them wear pants for days. Lose two turns while waiting for the perpetually understaffed corrections division to honor your release date.

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BRADEN MCMAKIN

Anheuser Busch Brewery: $1,000
You get kicked out of the free tour for climbing into one of the vats of beer and trying to drink your way out. Lose a turn.

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VIA U.S. ATTORNEY'S OFFICE

St. Louis City Hall: $3,000
In recent years, at least, word on the street is that City Hall was for sale for just a few grand and a li'l insurance fraud. How nice that even a small-time businessman could afford to have his voice heard in St. Louis!

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A sign warns of radioactive material at the West Lake Landfill. Thousands of tons of nuclear waste from the Manhattan Project were dumped there in the 1970s.

THEO WELLING

West Lake Landfill: -$1,000
While foraging for interesting trash you suddenly find yourself riddled with tumors but imbued with radioactive superpowers. Advance five spaces, but lose $200 per turn going forward to cover medical bills.

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DANNY WICENTOWSKI

Loop Trolley: $51 million
The government is mad at you for creating a parked-car-bashing machine that no one wants to ride on. Give all of your money back to them immediately.

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