One Man's Ultimate Guide to Day Drinking in Maplewood

My journey began on Manchester Avenue at Side Project Brewing, a place that only serves alcohol. I arrived just before they opened at 1 p.m. and was surprised to find a line of about 15 people waiting to get in. The bartenders here know their products inside and out, and have an infinite amount of patience when it comes to helping you find the perfect pour, but they definitely do not have time to answer questions about why they have so many customers on a workday, and may just walk away in the middle of your inquiry. I sat down with a delicious 5 oz. tasting of a German-style Pilsner titled Opa, and continued on my way.

The next place I wanted to check out was the hip breakfast and lunch spot the Living Room, located on the offshoot row of businesses on Sutton Avenue. I had always avoided this place due to the fairly serious allergy I have to the prices on brunch menus, but people really like this restaurant, so I put myself in harm's way.

Idiotically I went to the service counter without a plan, and in my panic ordered the first two things I saw, which were a screwdriver and some falafel. I overheard a woman strangely asking an employee where all the cats were, to which they told her she was probably thinking of Mauhaus, the cat cafe down the street. It was not in my original route, but I scarfed down my weirdo order and walked the few extra blocks to see it for myself, and took a quick picture of an animal I am actually allergic to.

Walking back up Sutton, I passed by a handful of businesses more familiar to me from my youth, including Strange Donuts, where all the cool kids used to wait in line for a Chocolate Steve on a weekend night; Saratoga Lanes, where the even cooler kids smoked cigarettes while bowling; and Tiffany's Diner, where the cream of the crop would pound Stag beers and slingers at one in the morning.

I rounded back to Manchester proper, passing by the intimidating dark exterior of Burger Champ and the empty cursed black hole of a spot where Boardwalk Waffles, and many other concepts before it, used to be.

I continued on past Eddie's Guitars and the Post, a sports bar which has some seriously underrated Philly cheesesteaks. I checked into a hipster-ish pub called the Crow's Nest for a pint of 4 Hands' Divided Sky and again was surprised to find it also very busy. I checked my phone to make sure it wasn't a holiday, or that a meteor wasn't headed straight for the planet, and came to the conclusion that Maplewood just likes to blow off some steam at lunch time.

Next I made my way to the Book House, a throwback independent bookstore with tomes crammed into mile-high shelves, and everything else stacked up waist-high on the floor. I briefly chatted with owner Michelle Barron about the nearly 40-year history of the business, her cats Zelda and Gatsby (whom I am also allergic to), and the reassuring book she was currently reading, The Ends of the World: Volcanic Apocalypses, Lethal Oceans, and Our Quest to Understand Earth's Past Mass Extinctions.

My original plan had been to buy a novel that was considered a universal classic, something I could namecheck here to sound like a really smart person, but after a few drinks I instead left with a glow-in-the-dark Nightmare Before Christmas coloring book.

Further down Manchester was a place called Tale to Table, a cured meat store that hosts food classes and events. It had a sign outside that said to come in for good stories, and when I did that, owners Brian and Kate seemed slightly unamused by my request, but sort of indulged me nonetheless. Sensing a lack of enthusiasm for craft salami and their upcoming trip to the Iberian peninsula, or perhaps my general discomfort in any social situation ever, they directed me to their sister business Kakao, where I was welcomed with a free sample and left with some dark chocolate.

I stopped into Schlafly Bottleworks for a final, ill-advised hefeweizen and started walking back on the other side of Manchester toward the direction I had come from.

I went into the Fantasy Shop and asked them what the current comic books were that everyone was reading. I don't want to say they tricked me into buying a Spider-Man comic, but they said they had a unique hard-to-find issue they were keeping behind the counter for someone special, and that person ended up being me. I also bought a Zorro comic that takes place in the modern day, which no one had to sell me on.

Eventually I made it to Planet Score Records, the greatest record store in the universe, which is co-owned by my uncle Tim Lohmann, who definitely did not stuff $20 into my hand to write that. I only see my uncle maybe once or twice a year, so we caught up and spilled the tea on different aspects of our chaotic and dysfunctional family drama. I left with a vinyl recording of Leonard Bernstein playing Mahler songs on piano, just so I could class this article up a little bit.

Once I was across the street from where my journey had begun, I called my wife to come pick me up. The original plan had been to have a humongous dinner with her and my kids at Pizza Champ or Thai Table, but I was already pretty close to spending as much money as I was going to be making on writing this ($10,000) so we went to an inferior, cheaper and more toddler-friendly/way louder chain restaurant in the county instead, as is a parent's responsibility.

In the car I gave the coloring book to my three-year-old son, but only on the condition that he let me use it sometimes.