It gets wild out on these St. Louis streets. Some drivers just pretend like stop signs don't exist. Some drivers hate cyclists with a burning passion. And some drivers just ignore Missouri driving laws entirely. (We're looking at you, people with Illinois plates.)
We scanned the roads and separated St. Louis drivers into 21 types. You'll definitely fit into one of these categories — whether you like it or not.
The 21 Types of St. Louis Drivers
By Riverfront Times on Fri, Sep 1, 2023 at 6:43 pm
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Paula Wood
The Joy FM Enthusiast
Yes, this bumper sticker is the No. 1 sign of bad driving in St. Louis. Why? Repeated observation. We don’t make the rules. But get stuck behind a car with a Joy FM bumper sticker and you’ll quickly learn why cars like this are one of St. Louis’ great in-jokes.
Yes, this bumper sticker is the No. 1 sign of bad driving in St. Louis. Why? Repeated observation. We don’t make the rules. But get stuck behind a car with a Joy FM bumper sticker and you’ll quickly learn why cars like this are one of St. Louis’ great in-jokes.
Screengrab via Facebook Watch
The Party People
They’re twerking on the roof of the vehicle even while the driver’s going 65 on the highway — and yeah, that’s dangerous as hell, but this is St. Louis. These mean streets are going to get you one way or another. Sometimes people look around and think Why not go die while dancing?
They’re twerking on the roof of the vehicle even while the driver’s going 65 on the highway — and yeah, that’s dangerous as hell, but this is St. Louis. These mean streets are going to get you one way or another. Sometimes people look around and think Why not go die while dancing?
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The Guy Who Had No Idea KIAs Were Easy to Steal Back in 2019
Give your sympathy to these poor drivers who are stuck with one of the most easily stolen cars in modern history. No wonder they drive around with an anti-theft device in their front seat and a chip on their shoulder. Worst of all, they still have two years left on their loan.
Give your sympathy to these poor drivers who are stuck with one of the most easily stolen cars in modern history. No wonder they drive around with an anti-theft device in their front seat and a chip on their shoulder. Worst of all, they still have two years left on their loan.
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The Gravois NASCAR Driver
They know they don’t need to go all the way to Daytona to get in on some hot race car action. They just hop in the whip and roll on over to Gravois Avenue where two lanes (and the ability to ignore red lights) is all they need to try to make everyone think they have a big penis. (Spoiler alert: The opposite happens.)
They know they don’t need to go all the way to Daytona to get in on some hot race car action. They just hop in the whip and roll on over to Gravois Avenue where two lanes (and the ability to ignore red lights) is all they need to try to make everyone think they have a big penis. (Spoiler alert: The opposite happens.)
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The Golf Cart Bro
They're the life of the party, tooling around town in a golf cart that won’t go above 25 mph and tossing back brewskis all the way. The fact is: They're not driving that golf cart by choice. They just can’t get an actual car insured after all those DUIs.
They're the life of the party, tooling around town in a golf cart that won’t go above 25 mph and tossing back brewskis all the way. The fact is: They're not driving that golf cart by choice. They just can’t get an actual car insured after all those DUIs.
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The Suburban Kid Looking to Score
They’re driving their Dad’s SUV and are determined to get in and out of the dangerous city so fast, they’re knocking over traffic-calming devices and pedestrians like bowling pins. (They’re also probably high.) Give these drivers plenty of room.
They’re driving their Dad’s SUV and are determined to get in and out of the dangerous city so fast, they’re knocking over traffic-calming devices and pedestrians like bowling pins. (They’re also probably high.) Give these drivers plenty of room.
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The JeffCo Visitor
They’re complaining about crime in the city while driving to a Cardinals game with a gun in the back of their truck. Hey, guess what? That gun is gonna get stolen.
They’re complaining about crime in the city while driving to a Cardinals game with a gun in the back of their truck. Hey, guess what? That gun is gonna get stolen.
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Screengrab via Google Maps
The Brentwood Soccer Mom
Everyone needs to stay the HELL out of their way — they've been stuck in the Target parking lot with three screaming kids in the back seat for an hour, and they are SICK AND TIRED OF ALL THE FIGHTING and liable to mow other shoppers down in the crosswalk in front of Trader Joe’s. They swear they're not a bad person, honestly; the world’s worst parking lot turned them into one.
Everyone needs to stay the HELL out of their way — they've been stuck in the Target parking lot with three screaming kids in the back seat for an hour, and they are SICK AND TIRED OF ALL THE FIGHTING and liable to mow other shoppers down in the crosswalk in front of Trader Joe’s. They swear they're not a bad person, honestly; the world’s worst parking lot turned them into one.
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The Unfortunate Crime Victim
Everyone can hear them coming for miles, but it’s truly not their fault. Some bastards helped themselves to this driver's catalytic converter — again.
Everyone can hear them coming for miles, but it’s truly not their fault. Some bastards helped themselves to this driver's catalytic converter — again.
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Screengrab via Facebook Watch
The Broke-Ass Hero
Who can afford a moving truck in his godforsaken town? What a rip-off. These drivers are happy to roll slowly around town with a mattress and a full dining room set on their roof if it’ll save them a few bucks. And why not? If they do it late at night and avoid streets with traffic, the only thing in danger of getting hurt is an old mattress.
Who can afford a moving truck in his godforsaken town? What a rip-off. These drivers are happy to roll slowly around town with a mattress and a full dining room set on their roof if it’ll save them a few bucks. And why not? If they do it late at night and avoid streets with traffic, the only thing in danger of getting hurt is an old mattress.
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Evie Hemphill
The Stop Sign Slider
They know the cops don’t stop drivers for hardly anything in the city, so in return these drivers just ease their way through every stop sign in town — and lord knows there are plenty.
They know the cops don’t stop drivers for hardly anything in the city, so in return these drivers just ease their way through every stop sign in town — and lord knows there are plenty.
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The Luxury Car Owner With Expired Temporary Tags
They had the cash for high-end luxury with leather seats, a name-brand sound system, the works. They love to drive main streets and rev the engine and show it off, too. However, their conspicuous display of wealth is somewhat belied by the fact that they clearly couldn't pay the sales tax.
They had the cash for high-end luxury with leather seats, a name-brand sound system, the works. They love to drive main streets and rev the engine and show it off, too. However, their conspicuous display of wealth is somewhat belied by the fact that they clearly couldn't pay the sales tax.
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Screengrab from this video
The City Cop
They’re honking at people who dare to stop at stop signs, fist bumping with bikers popping wheelies and doing high-speed U-turns into utility poles. They don't enforce the traffic laws, so why should other drivers be expected to follow them?
They’re honking at people who dare to stop at stop signs, fist bumping with bikers popping wheelies and doing high-speed U-turns into utility poles. They don't enforce the traffic laws, so why should other drivers be expected to follow them?
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The Driver From Illinois
They aren’t up to speed with St. Louis’ unwritten rules of the road, and let’s face it, in St. Louis the rules are all unwritten. They may be only a few minutes' drive from their blue-state suburb, but they're totally lost in a fog of confusion — and therefore a grave danger to the rest of us.
They aren’t up to speed with St. Louis’ unwritten rules of the road, and let’s face it, in St. Louis the rules are all unwritten. They may be only a few minutes' drive from their blue-state suburb, but they're totally lost in a fog of confusion — and therefore a grave danger to the rest of us.
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The Rich Angry White Guy From West County
They always have the right of way. They blow past someone else’s turn in a four-way stop and cut off pedestrians on a crosswalk. They likely drive a Cadillac Escalade or a Lincoln or Range Rover SUV and look down on the idiots “downtown” — and yes, everywhere east of Hampton is “downtown” to them.
They always have the right of way. They blow past someone else’s turn in a four-way stop and cut off pedestrians on a crosswalk. They likely drive a Cadillac Escalade or a Lincoln or Range Rover SUV and look down on the idiots “downtown” — and yes, everywhere east of Hampton is “downtown” to them.
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Tom Carlson
The Aggrieved Elected Officials (AEO)
This may be the Sunset Hills mayor who just doesn't like cyclists or the north county elected leader who doesn't care for the press. The phenomenon crosses party lines — but AEOs are easy to spot. Just look for the blood on their bumper.
This may be the Sunset Hills mayor who just doesn't like cyclists or the north county elected leader who doesn't care for the press. The phenomenon crosses party lines — but AEOs are easy to spot. Just look for the blood on their bumper.
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The Anti-Cyclist Asshole
They’ve never seen a bicyclist they were willing to tolerate, even if the cyclist is in a designated lane. They see them and they see red — and they’re happy to shout a few choice words to set them straight on whose road it is. (Theirs! It’s all theirs!)
They’ve never seen a bicyclist they were willing to tolerate, even if the cyclist is in a designated lane. They see them and they see red — and they’re happy to shout a few choice words to set them straight on whose road it is. (Theirs! It’s all theirs!)
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The South Side Sunday Service Seeker
These grandmas can be seen going 4 mph on South Grand in their Sunday best and they have no clue how dangerous that is. It’s likely the only day of the week they drive, too, which is for the best, really. May angels protect the other drivers!
These grandmas can be seen going 4 mph on South Grand in their Sunday best and they have no clue how dangerous that is. It’s likely the only day of the week they drive, too, which is for the best, really. May angels protect the other drivers!
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The KIA Thief
It’s not theirs, and they don’t intend to keep it long, so they’re barreling through the streets at 90 mph. But hey, even if they only have the car in their possession for a few hours, that’s plenty of time to get some fast food and leave a huge mess in the backseat, right?
It’s not theirs, and they don’t intend to keep it long, so they’re barreling through the streets at 90 mph. But hey, even if they only have the car in their possession for a few hours, that’s plenty of time to get some fast food and leave a huge mess in the backseat, right?
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The Metro Bus Driver
They're just trying to do their Damn Job™ but no one will let them into the lane they need. Other drivers even honk when they stop to let riders on. They aren’t paid enough for this shit.
They're just trying to do their Damn Job™ but no one will let them into the lane they need. Other drivers even honk when they stop to let riders on. They aren’t paid enough for this shit.
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