Fantasy Rock Stars aims to combine two of modern society's most debilitating obsessions -- celebrity worship and fantasy sports -- into one fabulous national pastime. For the uninitiated, the latter involves rounding up eight to twelve of your nerdiest friends and "drafting" individuals -- they can be baseball, football or basketball players, or, for irony aficionados, NASCAR drivers -- until you've got a virtual "team."
After naming said "team" something amusing (such as 2 Live Croutons), you then receive points each week, based on the stats those players accrue. You also robustly question your opponents' masculinity -- for it is invariably masculinity -- via online message boards.
Thus, in Fantasy Rock Stars, instead of touchdowns or home runs, your drafted team of divas, punks and indie-rock sacred cows racks up points for boneheaded press quotes, sex scandals, unseemly cover songs, violent altercations and onstage mental breakdowns.
Below is a rough scoring system. Consider it a work in progress designed to halt progress on your actual work.
Divas (Britney, Beyoncé, X-tina, Janet, Avril)
· Oversexed magazine cover (10 points)
· Subsequent disgust over exploitative nature of said magazine cover (20)
· Tryst with backup dancer (50)
· Drastic new hairstyle (5)
· Ludicrously knuckleheaded political statement (15)
· Really bad movie (35)
· Breast-augmentation rumors (90)
· Publication of obviously ghostwritten novel/memoir (40)
· Stalker convicted (20)
· Oprah appearance (-15)
· Neptunes collaboration (-55)
· That-chick-from-4-Non-Blondes collaboration (-60)
· "Wardrobe malfunction" (8,000)
Deified, Largely Inactive Old Bands (Led Zeppelin, the Pixies, Joy Division, Gang of Four, the Ramones)
· Threaten to reunite (20 points)
· Do reunite (100)
· Appear in public weighing three times what they did in 1985 (-50)
· Member dies (50)
· Cash-grab "new" CD/DVD/boxed set (35)
· Car commercial (75)
· Hot new band obviously rips them off (15)
· Terrible tribute album released (30)
· Terrible side project released (40)
· Hot actress publicly wears old tour T-shirt (25)
· Publication of tell-all biography (10)
· Rock-critic lamentation that "There will never be another ______" (5)
· Sampled by underground hip-hop dudes (55)
Rap Kingpins (50 Cent, Nas, Lil Jon, Jay-Z, Snoop Dogg)
· Shot by someone (20 points)
· Shoots someone (40)
· Debuts clothing line (-15)
· Instigates corny feud (25)
· Sucks up to Suge Knight (1)
· Disses Suge Knight (5)
· Killed by Suge Knight (12,000)
· Changes name/persona -- a.k.a. "The MF Doom" (10)
· "Retires" (50)
· Criticized by Bill Cosby/presidential candidate/religious leader (75)
· Releases duet with new girlfriend (15)
· Lousy part in action movie (-25)
· Hot new track that is clearly an ad ("Pass the Courvoisier") (-250)
Rock Gods (Springsteen, Thom Yorke, Bono, Jack White, dude from Coldplay, Dave Matthews, Eddie Vedder)
· Pontificates at high-profile benefit concert (10 points)
· Scores cover of Time/Newsweek (100)
· Sexuality openly questioned (5)
· Gains sudden political consciousness (35)
· Lauded for saving rock/hip-hop/the children/the world (25)
· Disses George W. Bush (1)
· Abrupt conversion to Scientology (175)
· Assumes Jesus Christ pose (50)
· Has song in shitty romantic-comedy movie (-50)
· Names kid "Apple" (-600)
Wimpy-Ass Singer-Songwriters (Ryan Adams, Conor Oberst, John Mayer, modern-day Beck)
· ODs (100 points)
· Writer's block (10)
· Reverse writer's block (more than two albums in a year) (20)
· Dating actress (35)
· Dating Winona (75)
· Embarrassing cameo on The O.C. (30)
· Dies romantically (200)
· Photographed shirtless (5)
· Trashes hotel room (ironic) (-100)
· Trashes hotel room (sincere) (1,000)
· Compared in print to Nick Drake (5), Jeff Buckley (15), Elliott Smith (20), Gram Parsons (30), Elvis Costello (40), Bob Dylan (50)
Young Punks (New Found Glory, Sum 41, blink-182, the Ataris, Something Corporate, MXPX, Thursday, Thrice)
· Horrible cover song (10 points)
· Lyrical reference to band popular before singer was born (60)
· Contrived "bratty" behavior (2.5)
· Releases entire album about singer's ex-girlfriend/boyfriend (20)
· Publicly admired by old-guard punk rockers (40)
· Publicly insulted by old-guard punk rockers (80)
· Plays Warped Tour (0.0025)
· Refers to next album as "harder" (10), "bluesier" (20), "more psychedelic" (40), "acoustic" (80), "experimental" (-50), "electronic" (100), "crunk" (50,000)
