Bold Prediction: Bored Legal Weed Activists Will Find a New Cause

Looking ahead to St. Louis in 2023

Dec 30, 2022 at 10:12 am
click to enlarge Artsy photo of person smoking.
Cigarettes will have their day in the sun, yet again.

Now victorious in their decades-long quest to legalize marijuana, free-the-herb activists will learn that what they've sown isn't bearing what they'd hoped to reap as the legal weed market becomes a playground for investment bankers and venture capitalists rather than drug-rug-sporting hippies. Disillusioned, they'll switch allegiances and throw their support behind a different combustible: cigarettes.

The much-maligned so-called cancer sticks will see a resurgence in the Show-Me State as people remember how fucking cool they make you look and how they provide a free 10-minute break from any scheduled duty that is inaccessible to the non-smokers of the world. Marlboro will see a resurgence in the local market and will resume its Marlboro Miles program here, and Marlboro-branded inflatable canoes will fill the state's rivers come float-trip season. A grassroots effort to criminalize non-smoking bars and restaurants will gain the public's support after Jon Hamm returns to the state of his birth as a spokesman (smokesman?) for the movement in full Don Draper regalia. The motion will pass, and the activists will get bored again, ultimately turning their attention to legalizing cocaine.

Welcome to Bold Predictions for 2023, an effort to forecast what the future holds for the St. Louis region.

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